Tuesday, November 27, 2007


How to deal with a wildcat fan

you're bound to encounter one this week, so here's a few handy tips on how to respond to soe red/blue clad sissyboy from Tucson.

1) They will call you a "scummie." It's short for the beautifully inventive scumdevil, the kittycat moniker for all things Sparky.

Your response: call them a pussy. Do so loudly, as it's true on a number of levels. If you don't want to use such language in front of children there's always the alternative. You know what the difference is between a toddler and a comb? You don't need a runing start to kick the teeth out of a comb. Teach 'em to fear ASU at an early age.

2) They will use scare tactics, noting UA football to be "on the rise," "turning the corner," and everyone's favorite "closing the gap" that exists between ASU's and UA's respective programs.

Your response: Obviously none of these are true, so technically you don't need to do anything mre than laugh at such idiocy. One fun comeback is to point out that Bill Clinton was almost halfway through his second term the last time Wilbur went to a bowl game. George Bush has been president for a long time, y'all.

3) The all time series is in Arizona's favor at 44-36-1.

Your response: It's true, and kudos to you as those were some mighty impressive wins against Tempe Normal School back in the pre-depression days. ASU has only been a university since 1958 and in that time holds a 27-21-1 advantage when the schools held equal academic standing, not to mention winning two in a row, four of the last five, and six of the last eight.

4) We beat Oregon they were #2 they beat you so we're better than you we're on a roll BYAAAAH!!!

Your response: No you didn't, you beat Brady Leaf. Dennis Dixon ran all over you in the 1st quarter with an already torn ACL. You can thank Omar Bolden for that one, and thanks to you for keeping us in the Rose Bowl hunt. What, you don't know what a Rose Bowl is? Let me explain...

5) Becoming frustrated, a true wildcat always makes reference to the lopsided nature of the
basketball rivalry.

Your response: Point out the irrelevance of such an argument and make reference to our new coach and highly rated recruiting class. Then note how ASU hoops is turning the corner, closing the gap, etc. Apply heavy sarcasm and watch the kitty squirm.

A few helpful zingers to squeeze in:

Arizona has not bee to a bowl game since the 1998 Holiday Bowl.
Arizona has only been to 12 bowl games EVER.
Arizona has never produced an NFL quarterback.
Arizona has not won an outright conference championship since 1941. (Border Conference)
Mike Stoops has never had a winning season as a head coach.
Willie Tuitama has started two games against ASU and has not won or finished either of them.

Fuck 'em.

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Jon could you email me at your convenience, I need some help.


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