Thursday, August 31, 2006
GAMEDAY IS HERE! GAMEDAY IS HERE! WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!
The following is a post I started on Thursday night but was unable to finish. Enjoy with the whole "hindsight being 20/20" angle.
Tonight the Devils will give us something to talk about other than suspensions and transfers. NAU is in for a beating, and I'll be watching from Mulligan's in RIchmond! I feel the need to preview each game, but scouting a D-1AA team is like going to a prison to find a nice wife- don't waste your time, especially when the suckers at Scout.com are willing to do it for you. Honestly, don't even bother reading it. I sure as hell didn't, and I'm at work with nothing to do. All I know about the Jacks is that they run the mysterious 3-3-5 defense. I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm sure the five DB's will be shredded to bits. Next time, I recommend a 6-4-17. Then you pansy-asses from the top of the hill can have a snowball's chance in hell at stopping the Sun Devil offense. Our defense? Well, that's a wait and see approach. NAU might score 100, but the'll lose 156-100.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Preview of the Almighty Offense
Ok quarterback, singular. Rudy Carpenter returns as the nation's defending leader in passing efficiency and touchdown to interception ratio. He'll make the offense tick as long as he's under center, but the Sun Devils went from one of the deepest in all of college football at quarterback to one that is frighteningly shallow. No knock on Danny Sullivan, who is said to be ahead of where Carpenter was in terms of learning the playbook, but having a true freshman as your number two QB puts a big target on the number one. Everyone in Tempe has been talking about/anticipating/hoping to God for a really big hit on Willie Tuitama, but now we're all hoping karma doesn't jump up to bite us in the ass.
We've said it before, but ASU has a great stable of running backs. Hopefully the diseases of thuggery and injury don't destroy this year's crop the way they did in 2003. Keegan Herring and his ridiculous biceps return in the starting role and they should have plenty of room to run considering the respect our passing game should command. Shaun DeWitty was the surprise of spring practice but has been a little slow out of the gates, something which Coach Koetter dismisses as Shaun being "very calculating." He has little room for error with the arrival of JuCo transfer Ryan Torain, a 220 lb load that hits the hole at full speed and pushes piles- something the fullback-free Koetter offense has lacked since the departure of Mike Karney. As if all of this wasn't enough, Coach K already pulled freshman Dmitri Nance's redshirt, citing that"he's just too good of a player." Nance will get to tote the rock a few times each game, but most of his meaningful playing time will come on special teams.
All-American Zach Miller leads this unit and is looking to rebound from a subpar 2005, oe where he was riddled with injury thus a slip in production. While known for his circus-type catching ability, he acually an amazing blocker, just like predecessor Todd Heap. If he has the 2006 we're all expecting, Zach will have the option of leaving early for the NFL. His bigger slower older brother Brent will line up at the starting H-Back slot where he will have ample opportunities to block and a few cracks at recieving passes. 17 year-old freak of nature Lance Evboumwan will redshirt and Jamaal Lewis will see some time at TE, but will primarily be used at wideout. Gator transfer Dane Guthrie has shown flashes of brilliance among some overall inconsistency, but he should see some reps.
Not even the injury bug can hold this group back (*knock on wood); there is simply too much talent waiting in the wings. This is the WR crop that should be waiting in line to attend such a pass happy school, and Koetter's hatred of the run has finally paid off. Terry Richardson and Jamaal Lewis/Mike Jones will start, and they will have the backup of gazelle-like sprinter Nate Kimbrough, full-of-promise Brandon Smith, and former Arizona big school POY Chris McGaha, a white receiver who breaks the possession reciever mold. T-Rich has shaken off a spring practice suspension to excel in the classroom and on the practice field, as he has grown from a stuck-up talent to one of the team's leaders and hardest workers. Speaking of suspensions, J-Lew will be out for the NAU game, but if the Devil-O misses him at all, 2006 will be an excruciatingly long year.
ASU returns a seasoned group thanks to a flood of injuries last year. The Hell Hogs are led by senior captain Andrew Carnahan, a native Texan (we won't hold that against him) who has played in all four years during his tenure in Tempe. He'll be at left guard watching Rudy Carpenter's back, and his mates along the line include Brandon Rodd, Robert Gustavis, Stephen Berg, and Paul Faniakia. Hellish beast Zach Krula is still out with complications from an ankle injury sustained during last year's Northwestern game (week 3!) but may come back before season's end if needed. The two-deep is filled with guys who have game experience, now it's just a matter of five of them gelling into a cohesive, punishing unit.
RUDY. FUCKING. BURGESS. You'll see him at wideout, running back, hell, he even threw a touchdown pass last year. He'll be on end-arounds, reverses, and if we're lucky a flea-flicker or halfback option. THe guy can and will do it all for the Sun Devils.
You can't stop us, you can only hope to contain us. G'head and try.
Special Teams Preview
I'm feeling a little groggy after a night of drinking scotch and watching the movie Gladiator- not the pansy-mamsy Russell Crowe vehicle but te early 90's boxing flick featuring Brian Dennehy and a young Cuba Gooding Jr. alongside a leading man that looks like the second runner-up in a Val Kilmer look-alike contest. The point is, I really don't want to write a lengthy blog about last year's ups and downs on special teams- they're already well documented. In fact, I already wrote one here. Enjoy, but let me add a couple of things first.
* Jonathan Johnson will be the punter this year. The scouting report says he doesn't have the biggest gross or net yardage, but he has a quick release, and Chris MacDonald will tell you what a precious commodity that can be. He was good enough to take the job away from Jesse Ainsworth, who was at least adequate in punting duties last year.
* There is now a 1" tee used on kickoffs, but apparently that hasn't been bothering boomstick-legged Jesse Ainsworth. His distance and hang time are virtually identical to last year, which is definitely a good sign.
Go Devils! Less than 40 hours until NAU gets what's coming to them!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Defensive Outlook: contrary to popular opinion, people in the Pac-10 really do care about it
The 2006 ASU depth chart has been released and once again, it looks like the Devils' success will only go as far as the defense can carry them.
Camp Tontozona took its toll on this unit, and far worse than anyone expected. Transfers Loren Howard and Trannell Morant were the supposed saviors at defensive end, but they are each listed as third-string on either side, a perplexing position considering their respective physical skills. Howard has been day-to-day for weeks now, which has many Sun Devil fanatics leary of his so-called "mild quad injury." Dirk Koetter doesn't typically like to release injury information to the public, and this is all starting to sound like Kyle Caldwell's situation a year ago. Everyone hung their hat on his play being the cure for an otherwise anemic D-line, but he was injured most of the year and probably never played at 100%. This coupled with today's news that Howard will be kept out of Thursday's NAU game and possibly next Saturday's Nevada game spells doom for the unit up front, but there is some hope.
Jordan Hill, a whipping boy for many Pac-10 OT's last year, is currently listed at 301 pounds, up 25 from last season. All of those off-season burritos should help him clog the middle against the run, especially since he probably won't see as many double teams with fellow buffet buster Mike Marquardt transferring in from BYU and lining up at the other DT spot. IF Caldwell stays healthy and Dexter can continue the consistency he has shown during Spring and Fall practices, the Devil D may be able to put together their best consistent pass rush since the days of ol' #48. With the hope that Morant and Howard can contribute, opposing offenses may have their hands full. The injuries sustained thus far are definitely disappointing, but you can't mention the D-line and disappointment without giving mention to Shannon Jones and Brett Palmer. Both have been criticized (not just by me, but the coaches too) of being overweight, lazy, and lacking the work ethic required at the collegiate level. Neither have cracked the two deep once again this season, unless we're talking about the number of calzones at Greasy Tony's.
The flesh-eating tandem of Jamar Williams and Pat Tillman Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year Dale Robinson have departed for Sunday, and the void will be noticeable. The recruiting trail was hit hard this winter, and SIX LB's were signed, but the unfortunate part is that about half of them will be sorely needed. Contributing "baby-backers" include true frosh Gerald Munns, the projected starter at the SAM position and his backup, JUCO transfer Garrett Judah. Former LA Dodger Mike Nixon is named the co-starter at, appropriately enough, the MIKE position, and true frosh/Pat Tillman look-alike Travis Goethel is the #2 at the WILL position. He heh, "#2." Hopefully these new pledges won't get hazed too hard by opposing Pac-10 offenses. The only thing I can look forward to is that the linebacker position requires instinct and speed more than anything, and those things are difficult to teach. Hopefully these kids have it, because if they don't it will be a long, long season.
ASU is so loaded at safety that Derron Ware has switched to linebacker. Huh?!
Ok, so it probably has more to do with the LB weakness, but the secondary has a little bit of talent to spare. Leading tackler Zach Catanese returns as the anchor of the secondary, but a lot of the buzz coming from camp has to do with batterymate Josh Barrett, who has exploded from an injury-filled 2005 to become the D's emotional leader. True freshman Ryan McFoy probably won't redshirt this year, so hopefully very soon he'll be known for something more than being the brother of a USC football player. Ooooo, do you think he knows Matt Leinart?!
Oh, now we've reached the dregs. The best player, Justin Tryon, has never played a D-1 down. The only word I've heard used for any of the other corners is inconsistent, whether it be Chris Baloney, Grant Cunkelton, or some other guys you've never heard of, like returning senior Keno Walter-White. Chad Green supposedly has the most talent but has spent plenty of time on the injury list over the course of his career; rumor around campus is that he is allergic to the weiht room. Looks like Rudy Burgess will have to save the day again, only this time on defense. The people's MVP will be turned loose on defense, and if he has half of his game-changing ability at corner things might be all right in Tempe, but don't bet on it. It will take more than one Superman to save this secondary.
It can't be any worse than last year...can it?
Thursday, August 24, 2006
No one, including me, really seems to know what happened, but I will absolutely miss Sam Keller in a Sun Devil uniform. Whether or not he's the guilty party, I choose to take the high road (for once) and pay tribute to good ol' #9. I mean #2. #5? Whatever. Here are some of the things that made me a fan of Sam, in chronological order:
He chose ASU over Michigan. A storied tradition of tall, white QB's with NFL success, Sam spurred the Wolverines at the 11th hour and chose to wander into the desert. This is extra cool since Sam's father Mike sported the maize and blue while playing linebacker in the surprisingly quiet Big House. Sam gives a "screw you, dad!" in a moment of teen angst not seen since Eric and Lyle Menendez.
Day after Thanksgiving, 2004. Well decorated senior QB Andrew Walter leads the 8-2 Sun Devils into stench filled Tucson against the 2-8 rival Wildcats. AW goes down with an injury in the fourth quarter while the team is down by three scores and Sam nearly brings them back save a dropped 4th down pass, something for which Matt Miller will never be forgotten/forgiven. Going into a hostile environment and facing a large deficit isn't easy, but Keller got within 23 yards of having gone down as one of the top clutch performers in ASU history. He was the silver lining within an otherwise dark cloud of a day.
370 yards, 4 TDs, Sun Bowl MVP. The halftime score was 3-0 ASU, and while we were all baffled by the defense (or better yet where it had been all year), we were shaken by the first half QB play. Were those drives in Tucson simply flashes of brilliance in a pan of mediocrity? The 3rd and 4th quarters were a resounding "STFU" for any and all doubters. The lasting image of Keller that day was that after each touchdown pass, he could easily be seen flexing his muscles and giving a samurai-style bow to the Purdue bench. After AW's stoic Joe Cool routine, this display of bravado was a welcome sight. We would be in good hands come 2005.
September 10, 2005: Keller proves he's for real. It's easy to light up Arizona, Purdue, and Temple, but here come the Tigahs. In the game moved from Baton Rouge to Tempe (thanks Katrina) Sam strutted his stuff against a defense that will have over a dozen of the guys occupying the two deep on NFL rosters. 461 yards and four TD passes were almost enough to overcome the special teams implosion clinic put on by the Devils, which included a blocked field goal, a blocked punt, and a fourth and long converted by LSU's punter throwing a duck of a pass to a wiiiiide open receiver. We were considered by many to be the best one-loss team in the nation, and Keller was first or second in nearly every passing catergory. I hate Tom Osborne.
October 1, 2005: I hate Reggie Bush. For those in attendance, this game will be remembered for the sweltering heat and agonizing disappointment. For those who watched from their couches and sports bars, it will be remembered (at least for ASU fans) for Sam's 5 interceptions and the mysterious Derek Hagan handoff to a Trojan DB that led to the aforementioned agony and subsequent pain-numbing drink-a-thon. In the 3rd quarter of this game that espn classic never wants us to forget, Keller took a big-ass needle full of pain killer in his throwing shoulder, straight up North Dallas Forty style. One has to love his "I don't care if it falls off, I want to win dammit!" attitude. That may explain the 5 INTs, but many are quick to forget that he still got us back to a 28-24 lead with under 6 minutes remaining against a team that hadn't lost in 29 games. We were considered by many to be the best two-loss team in the nation, and Keller was still first or second in nearly every passing catergory.
The following week against Oregon, Keller stiff-arms Haloti Ngata. 'Nuff said.
Keller was never the same QB after the USC shoulder injection, but I'll always remember the good things Sam did in Tempe and not the (rumors of the) bad things. I'll keep a close eye on Sam now that he's in Lincoln and I wish him the best, but I have only one final comment on the Sam Keller saga: 19-0, BITCHES!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Mr. Belding Makes a Triumphant Return to RVA
Dennis Haskins, aka Mr. Belding from the television show "Saved by the Bell," will speak Tuesday, Aug. 29, at 8 p.m. in the W.E. Singleton Center. Haskins will deliver anecdotes from the show, talk about the business in general and answer questions. The show, sponsored by the VCU SportsCenter, is free to all members of the VCU community.Pretty freaking cool for a school without a football program, although if they had one they probably could have gotten the entire cast together. Mmmmmm, Kapowski. This is not the first time our princi-PAL has graced fair river city...anecdote time!
There is an annual charity golf tournament in Richmond every year sometime close to Labor Day. Two years ago, it was scheduled on the second Monday in September, which happened to coincide with the afternoon arrival of Tropical Depression Gaston. It was some of the hardest rain I've ever witnessed, and it was sustained over an eight hour period. Gridlock ensued due to flooded streets, and I was stuck on the VCU campus. Rather than try to drive home, I walked to a friend's house nearby to watch Monday Night Football and crash for the night. Since the local ABC affiliate couldn't pass up the opportunity to show the same 45 seconds of footage every other local channel was showing over and over, the game wasn't aired here. We took this opportunity to go to Buddy's, a neighborhood bar and Richmond landmark. The story starts getting interesting here.
We have a few cocktails and shoot the breeze for awhile, and suddenly hear a large roar. We turned around to acknowledge the ruckus and saw Charles Barkley making an entrance. He apparently plays in the golf tourney every year (and poorly, I might add) and is known to hit up a few bars while in town. On this particular evening he had a couple of friends in tow: espn's David Aldridge and the BIg Bopper himself, Mr. Belding. DA was pretty cool- very approachable, a beer drinker, and happy to talk to the locals. The round mound of rebound lived up to all expectations- he was the life of the party, had hot chicks hanging all over him, and consumed shots-a-plenty. I honestly didn't talk to him, but it was hard to miss a 6'4" black man dancing on a table.
Speaking of dancing on tables, Belding did the same, but he had the rest of us laughing at him, not with him. He wielded his celebrity like a dark lord of the sith, pushing himself on chicks half his age and way out of his league; these girls were only at his table to get to CB. He consumed at least as much alcohol as I did that evening (which says a lot) and it started to show after the midnight hour. He really started staggering around, and he had that self-important look in his eye that says "I'm Mr. Belding, get the f@$k out of my way, I used to be important, dammit!" I think he caught on to how unimpressed all of us were with his presence and chose to leave, but on his way out he shoved a guy, and a fight almost broke out.
Ok, so it's not Rick James (rip) and Charlie Murphy, but it was still pretty cool. I'll have to do a little research, but this might actually be from that night!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The following is an excerpt from the Dean's Brief at the Florida State University School of Business.
“Finally, I am pleased to announce that Mark Scott has signed a Letter of Intent to create the Bowden Center for Ethics in Leadership , within the College of Business at Florida State University. This center will train, educate, and motivate students, teachers, and business and community leaders in ethically based leadership skills, including Bobby Bowden’s leadership principles. The Center will serve as the leadership training hub, working in a collaborative fashion with other schools within the University. The activities of the Bowden Center for Ethics in Leadership will serve to enhance the teaching, research, and service components of the College of Business as well as other schools at FSU. You will be hearing more about this Center in the upcoming months.”Hmmm. Ethics and leadership are two oft thrown words, but they haven't been used in Tallahassee for quite awhile. AJ Nicholson's B&E charge is chronologically at the bottom, and who could forget the Ol' Ball Coach's famous quote about "Free Shoes University"? If you don't read the Tampa Tribune, I'm sure you saw the Sports Illustrated cover article about it in the mid 90's. As far as leadership goes, ask any Nole fan that hasn't been in a coma since 2000 about the leadership of bringing in a California pretty boy to run the nepotism offense to a grinding halt. Most leaders want the best people in important positions like offensive coordinator and quarterback, but Bowden has kept the runt of his litter at the O-helm for far too long. As for Rix, well, ask any FSU fan of that era, including Anquan Boldin, who rumoredly dropped passes from Rix on purpose. Apologies for this paragraph. This is the pot calling the kettle black waaaaaay too soon.
Anyway, it seems FSU is following Alabama in the effort to name everything on campus after a successful football coach. Don't believe it? Crack open a cold one, go to this link, browse around, and drink every time you read Bear Bryant. See you sometime next week.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Keller was excused from Sunday night's practice to "review his options." It sounds like Koetter expects the true senior to transfer, so let's examine his options. Playing time is important to Keller, as he has one season of eligibility remaining. What really throws a curveball into all of this mess is that he never used his redshirt.
1) Keller stays with ASU. It's really not that unforeseeable, despite what the internet tells you. Since Jake the Snake graduated (9 season ago), ASU has had ONE season where the same quarterback started every game, the 2003 campaign with Andrew Walter. ,It's not out of the question that Rudy could get hurt even behind a very seasoned O-line. If he stays and Carpenter gets through the season without so much as a hangnail, as long as he refuses mop-up time he can claim a redshirt year and pull a Kruger- he can transfer to any D-1 school and play right away under a new NCAA rule(that oh by the way is total garbage). This is the best situation for ASU, as they have an insurance policy for Rudy's arm/knees. I don't think anyone outside of Tucson wants to see true freshman Danny Sullivan take any meaningful snaps this year.
2) Immediately transfer to a D-1 school. He can take his redshirt year this season and still play next year. There are plenty of teams that would love to have him, but my picks for early favorites would be either Colorado or Nebraska. Both run an offense conducive to chucking it early and often, and both have immediate needs under center. The push goes to the Buffs, who currently employ Keller's former QB coach Mark Helfrich as their offensive coordinator.
3) Transfer to a D-1AA school. There are certainly plenty to choose from, and Keller is probably better than at least 99.9% of their current quarterbacks. He can play this year, showcasing his ability to quickly pick up an offense to the NFL scouts. He'll also pad his stats against inferior competition. Jeff Krohnwill tell you how much the scouts eat that up.
Keller(9) is greeted by Dirk Koetter(96) before Sunday's practice.
4) Say 'ah fuck it' and start prepping for next year's draft. This could be fun. Sam could hang with rappers, get his Goose on, and study the kabbala with Ishmael Soprano, all while embarassing his alma mater long after his departure. Nothing says "big NFL bucks" like man boobs. (and I ought to know)
And the worst thing Sam Keller could possibly do...
5) Transfer to U of A and win a national championship. Commense vomiting.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Uuuugh...can we please play somebody now?
Hmmmm. What's going on around the college football world? There's a guy at Ohio State who entered treatment in May after drinking an esrimated 30-40 beers a day. Why is this so looked down upon? He would have fit in nicely at A-State; maybe a transfer isn't completely out of the question.
The story out of Camp Tontozona is that the Arizona State defense is outplaying the vaunted ASU offense. Should this entice exuberant excitement or sheer terror? Much has been made of the improved talent at running back for the Devils, but the same has been said about the defensive line. True frosh RB Dimitri Nance, one of only 2 high schoolers to ever rush for over 3,000 yards playing 5A ball in Texas (the other being Cedric Benson), ripped off a 37 yard TD run in last week's scrimmage. Problem is, his other 6 carries totaled a not-so-monstrous 8 yards. The Koetter quarterback tandem, also known as Kellerpenter, threw for a whopping 26 comletions totaling 216 yards on 40 attempts, including one TD (Rudy) and one INT (Sam). Both guys played the "lack of rhythm" card in the post scrimmage press conference, and I suppose that's ok. No its not. Both Sun Devil quarterbacks were all world last year and shouldn't be thwarted by ANY ASU DEFENSE this side of Terrell Suggs. The solace I can take is that Koetter made a similar comment at a similar point in fall camp 2005. In case you're not up to date on stats, 2005 final national rankings for ASU: total offense-2, total defense- 115.
It was also stated by many that the safety position is in great shape with conference-leading tackler Zach Catanese (can't believe his name starts with cat), but that's no surprise. The real standout on D has been the other safety, oft-injured Josh Barrett. Koetter has dubbed him the camp MVP thus far for his effort, athleticism, and leadership. I was originally thinking that former Dedger Mike Nixon would make a fine safety (one of his high school positions) rather than going out for linebacker, but the Sun Devils actually sound set at defensive position! kinda makes me feel like riverdancing...
In other sad bastard postings, my top two high anticipation players are out with mild injuries right now, sophomore reciever Mike Jones (g'head and say it...you know you want to...MIKE JONES!!) and transfer defensive end Loren Howard. I think it speaks volumes about Howard in that he hasn't had any live football action in two years but is on the Lombardi Award watch list as the top lineman in the country (offense or defense), although he'll have stiff competition with fellow Devils Andrew Carnahan and Zach Miller in the mix. Both Jones and Howard are day to day and don't expect to miss the opener against the 'Jacks.
I figured out the word from the first paragraph. Angst.
Monday, August 14, 2006
They're on Grass
Dennis (my stepdad) played high school football at Wooster High School in Wooster, Ohio, a midwestern steel town of the 1950's. He was a highly touted and gifted tailback for the varsity squad, talented enough to accept a track scholarship to Southern Illinois University. If you've ever met anyone from Ohio, they will almost always take your conversation, whether it is about nuclear physics, soap operas, or the fact that The Dukes of Hazzard is the best television show of all time, and they will turn the topic into the importance of Ohio high school football. "It's like religion...you could rob the town blind during a game..." Their football self importance rivals the natives of Texas, Florida, and everywhere in between. Save it, Brutus.
That being said, the players take it as seriously as anyone. I don't recall the name of their rival high school, but it was the week of the big game and it was an away game for Wooster. Dennis, a couple of his buddies, and a stolen bottle of whiskey broke in to their rivals' stadium the Wednesday night before the game with several gallons of kerosene. They used the fuel to paint an enormous "W" on the field that faced the home sideline. It was so grandiose, in fact, that it stretched from one sideline to the other. It had been relatively wet that week, so they felt little to no remorse when they left the field unattended moments after setting the "W" ablaze.
This is small-town middle America in the 1950's, and word traveled quickly. It was apparently a huge deal and even made the Friday morning paper. Dennis will tell you it was because the other team was so demoralized, but Wooster left the stadium victors, winning an away game on a field that boasted a gigantic black "W." Football, rivalry in particular, kicks fucking ass.
You may realize that this situation is not entirely unique. The annual Virginia class war between the UVa bluebloods and the toothless thug wonders from Tech featured a similar prank, although not as spectacular. Some drunken Hokie faithful broke into Scott Stadium on the eve of last year's game and vandalized the home team's large orange "V" by adding a lopsided "T." Ground crews are a little more advanced nowadays, and they were able to remove the stain using scrub brushes and eventually green paint. I hate both schools, but that freaking rules.
My favorite turf defacement story comes from the TCU-SMU rivalry. During the halftime show, the visiting SMU Mustangs marching band formed a large "M" and held their positions. Three months later, as the Texas winter took it's toll on the playing surface, a bright green "M" appeared. The SMU band geeks had each smuggled winter rye seeds on to the field and dropped them during the aforementioned routine.
Something needs to happen to Arizona Stadium this fall. I'll leave it up to the Sun Devil faithful to figure out exactly what, but I'll suggest one thing: flame throwers.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Fantasy Misfit Draft completed; blogger slowly sobering up
CShelton took the U of Miami with the first overall pick, who could very well win the whole thing by themselves. His pro teams are average at best with the Phillies, Eagles, and world champion Heat. Who knows, maybe there will be an interleague brawl on Broad Street. He really wowed the room with his free agents and celebrities with Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Randy Moss, Michael Jackson, along with his underdog Danny Bonaduce, whose status of "celebrity" is under review.
Michael took THE Ohio State University, who has a ton of alumni potential. He has Nick Nolte and he's the first one on the score board with The Tuna "could explode at any moment" based on the T.O. situation. Michael also has Tony Stewart, proving his incompetence by thinking that Nascar is a sport.
Newspaper Hack was stuck in a crisis situation at the office, so the other GM's collaborated and Gave him the U of Tennessee (which he loves as a Bama fan), The New Orleans Saints, Oakland A's, and Portland Trail BLAZERS. His free agents and celebs look good with the exception of Jim McMahon, who hasn't been seen since a brief stint with the Arizona Cardinals, aka the place where average quarterbacks go to die. The stormin mormon is complimented by date raper Sebastian Janikowski, time bomb Ruben Patterson, .Robert Downey, Jr, and the due-to-be-shot-again-anyday-now Fitty Cent.
Scotty has Florida State, the Dallas Cowboys, Florida Marlins (lots of heat, humidity and losing), and the Milwaukee Bucks just to piss off Steve. Free agents include Charles Woodson and two alumni of the U- Sean Taylor and Jeremy Shockey. He has great celebrities with "I only drink on days that end in Y" Tara Reid and professional fuck-up/baby daddy Kevin Federline.
I'll be the first to admit that my team kind of sucks. I went with Auburn, whose illeracy rate ought to get me something, and I have the NY Knicks, homer pick Chicago Cubs, and the Atlanta Falcons, who I probably took because they were on TV during the draft. Of course, ATL means "above the law." My celebrities are both total whackos and could go Margot Kidder at any moment- Whitney Houston and Gary Busey. My free agents are Marcus Vick, Willis McGahee, and former Devil Hakim Hill (I had to have at least one). Hey, you never know.
Wheels stunned the room by taking the University of Georgia; we're still not sure why. He also has the LA Lakers, world champ Chicago White Sox, and Miami Dolphins. If he's to stay competitive he'll need celeb/free agent help, but he has some good ones with Ron Artest, Jermaine O'neal, Kellen Winslow Jr., preggo Britney Spears, and porno affacionado Charlie Sheen.
Angry Wisconsinite Steve has the teams that he hates- the U of Michigan, Chicago Bulls, Chicago Bears, and NY Yankees. He has Nicole Ritchie and a toal lock with Lindsey Lohan. His athletes are Allen Iverson, non-athlete Kurt Busch, and one of the biggest surprises of the night in Isiah Thomas. Maybe he'll assault a member of the media.
Alex has hella-thuggish Virginia Tech, the Detroit Lions, roid abusing San Francisco Giants, and the Sacramento Kings. He's pretty smart and did a surprising amount of research (he had a full page of notes), so I'l have to trust his judgement on Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and David Hasselhoff, but I'd say he's in good shape with Bobby Brown, John Daly, and scary as hell Mike Tyson.
Maggie got stuck at work and missed the whole thing, so we punished her by putting her at the end of the draft order and giving her LPGA jail bait Michelle Wie. Other than that, she somehow has the best overall team with the Florida Gators, Detroit Pistons, Cincinnati Bengals, New York Mets, Rasheed Wallace, Jerry Porter, Colin Ferrell and Russell Crowe. We were waaaay too nice.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Here's a flashback:
The first round has been completed, as have the first 40's. Here's the picks.
1. No surprise, CShelton picks the U.
2. Michael picked tOSU with approval and applause, although I think they may be done for now based on this week's events.
3. newspaper hack was absent, and although it probably kills him as a Bama fan, I gave him Tennessee.
4. Scotty took the 'Noles
5. I knew I had to take an SEC school, so I went with Auburn. They're really due. It was hard to go against the Gun Devils, but I didn't want to make a homer pick and then have to root for my boys to to find some trouble.
Wheels, although a V Tech alum, picked Georgia. Got booed.
Steve picks Michigan with the "they're due" philosophy, all the while Scotty is wearing his "Ann Arbor is a Whore" t-shirt.
OK, the 40's are setting in. I can't keep up; it's going waaay faster than I thought it would. All drafts will be posted tomorrow, based on when I sober up/ain't hungover. Speculate all you like, it was fun. You should have come over, you bastards. I'm going to Buddy's.
House of Hot Stove
Through the use of a sophisticated device that involves ping-pong balls and krazy glue, the Fantasy Misfit Draft order has been determined. The order will go as followed:
3. Newspaper Hack
5. Big Jon
6. Wheels (should he decide to show)
Let the mayhem of trade talks begin. While there is less than 6 hours before the duct tape goes on, this ought to be the shortest and sweetest hot stove league in years. Will newcomer Newspaper Hack mark his RVA homecoming by offering his number 3 pick + a celeb free agent for the top seed in order to draft alma mater "Bama? Who will go higher, Tennessee or the U?
An article just came in, hot off the wire.
Friday, August 11, 2006
In breaking news from misfit land, Ruben Patterson, formerly of the Denver Nuggets has been traded to the Milwaukee Bucks. This automatically vaults Milwaukee into prime first round contention in tonight’s 2006 misfit draft.
Patterson, who is a well-documented wife beater, third degree rapist of his child’s nanny, father of illegitimate children, substance abuser, registered sex offender, and domestic assaulter, could change the landscape of tonight’s draft with this last minute move. Word has, there are numerous teams who are clamoring to move up in the draft just to even be able to have a shot of landing the thug criminal known as Ruben Patterson.
Clarett wanted to call in his picks for the draft, but he only gets one call.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Attn: Al Michaels, Darren Woodson, Jimmy Kimmel
Rudy Carpenter threw for 2,273 yards and 17 TDs in 2005.But Carpenter, who redshirted in 2004 after playing his senior season at Westlake High in Los Angeles, sparked the Aztecs to a 4-1 record in their last five games. He threw for 2,273 yards and 17 touchdowns and led the country in pass efficiency (175.01).
Jesus. Fucking. Christ.
Aztecs!? I realize that according to the four-letter network it's Notre Dame's world and the rest of us are just visitors, but there are teams west of the continental divide that aren't USC. A Hell Hog using the message board name redsoxfan85 claims to be an employee of espn and can't believe that there are roughly 15 people working there with ASU ties, "yet they continue to embarass our university on a daily basis." I get the feeling that the unnamed 15 don't include Mark Malone or Darren Woodson. For those of you not familiar with this somewhat legitimate conspiracy theory, here are the basic examples all Devil fans have noticed:
*When a story about ASU airs, roughly 50% of the time it involves either the 1994 point shaving scandal or Loren Wade.
*Of the non-illegal stories with reference to ASU, they manage to substitute the Sparky/ASU logo with a Wilbur/U of A logo. I'm not kidding or exaggerating here.
*Brent Musberger repeatedly referred to ASU "the wildcats" during lat year's Insight Bowl telecast, but I suppose that's par for the course with that senile bastard.
It's not like we're light years off the map; those punks filmed College Gameday in Tempe last season.
In unrelated business, the Sun Devils just landed top-notch hoops recruit James Harden for the 2007 class. He's supposedly a silky-smooth, 6'4" shooting guard that won MVP awards at two different AAU tournaments over the last few weeks(and a southpaw to boot). I realize fall camp is underway and my focus should be on the gridiron, but Devil fans haven't had much to celebrate basketball-wise in a looooong time. He's expected to be named a McDonald's All-American this season, which is like the high school all-star team. When you think about how many kids play high school ball, it's really mind boggling how good Harden could really be.
Wells Fargo Arena, seconds before tipoff
Thy Gauntlet Hath Been Thrown!
After my suggestion about drinking a 40 during the upcoming Fantasy Misfit Draft, there was a unanimous rally cry to play Edward Fortyhands during the draft. While this sounds like a ton of fun, I don't really think I'll be able to live blog with malt liquor duct taped to my hands. Let's try, shall we? I'll type "House of Heat" using a regular 12 ounce beer bottle.
hbhbouse of heewat
While that was exponentially better than I could have hoped, it took an excruciatingly long time and is not up to the standards of you, my two readers. I'll just sit back and swill sherry during the draft, which will now take place this Friday, August 11, at 7:30pm. Hope this doesn't ruin your bridge club.
Speaking of gauntlets, the smell of dust storms, monsoons, and pine trees is in the air. CAMP T, BABY! ASU makes an annual trip up north to the pine forest of Camp Tontozona, located near Payson, AZ. Koetter was pleased with Wednesday's night practice after a sluggish team fought the desert heat and humidity that morning in the first of many two-a-days. This was much better to hear than Tuesday's post practice comments, when Coach K noted that "the effort was there, but the execution was lacking." That's something you say about a retarded kid, for chrissakes. Koetter also noted that having the first two-a-day in Tempe was beneficial because they were able to do a lot more since they have more daylight. Hmmm, I realize Payson is off the beaten path, but I think they've been introduced to the revolution of electricity. If not, hook the scout team up to a treadmill and get those lights on. First day of Camp T has arrived!
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Fantasy Misfit Draft on hold due to gaping mouths
This brings up an interesting point and a new rule. A player can only score points for his former college team, not his former pro teams. Yes, I am making this stuff up as I go. In this case only the player with Ohio State would get points for the charges of illegal u-turn, possession of firearms, and resisting arrest. Whoever had the Denver Broncos in this hypothetical war would recieve no points and like it, dammit!
Clarett and former OSU teammate Craig Krenzel make a routine trip to 7-11 for milk, bread, and cash.
In related news the draft date and time is currently in hiatus until several participants get their panties out of a bunch about missing a Violent Femmes show. We're debating it using "reply all" emails, but no one has agreed on anything yet. I'll provide updates as warranted.
We're working on it.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Fantasy Misfit Draft Update
The football fans of Richmond are scurrying around looking for old Copies of US Weekly and The Sporting News trying to figure out their strategies for the upcoming Fantasy Misfit League Draft, being held Saturday at 2pm. For those of you who aren't aware of the event (and judging by the site traffic you aren't), here's a recap:
Each player will select a university, an NBA team, an NFL team, an MLB team, 2 free agent athletes, and two free agent celebrities. Points will be awarded for each incident that occurs involving one of your athletes/teams, and there will be a predetermined sliding point scale covering everything from a violation of team rules to mass genocide. The point system will be unveiled later this week; it's not a big secret or anything it's just that I haven't figured it out yet. The draft will be at Scott's house in Richmond, but if you don't feel like making the drive I'll be liveblogging the entire event, complete with snarky comments and quotes. You simply have to skip the 2 pm AA meeting and relapse at a computer with the adult beverage of your choice. If you want to join the fun, you can email your registration to me at HouseOfHeat@gmail.com. Please include the following information:
*Your draft drink, as sobriety is strictly forbidden at this event
*A URL (myspace, blog page, etc. -optional)
In honor of misfits everywhere, I'll be drankin a foe-tee of O.E. Straight brown baggin it.
I'll need your info by Friday evening so I can set the draft order (scientifically picked from a hat) and get you any necessary information I haven't thought of just yet. There are a few possible conflicts that have already been brought up, So I'll address them now. Layin' down the law...
*Points will only be awarded for offenses that occur after the draft begins and before the football season officially begins (August 31, 10pm EST). If the pile of dead hookers in Derek Jeter's closet get discovered Friday night, then you can't get any points if you have the Yankees or DJ as a free agent.
Driven: half roofie, half poison
*You don't get credit for things like arraignments, sentencing, or any other fallout from the initial offense. This will keep players from getting a leg up at the draft, especially me since ASU has had some guys do some pretty naughty shit lately despite my fellow east coasters knowing nothing about it. Thanks, four-letter network.
*A single player can receive double points for a single offense. It was discussed in an earlier post, but if Paul Lo Duca goes out and kills his wife (too soon?) someone can get points if they drafted the Sun Devils, the Mets, or Lo Duca as a free agent. This may be insider info; they don't call us the Gun Devils for nothing.
*If an athlete gets cleared of charges during the season, half of the awarded points must be forfeited. Someone suggested all of them, but the accusation always leaves a stench, right Kobe? If the alleged offense happened before the league starts, a player will not receive any points.
Hope to hear from many, this should be a hoot.