The House Of Heat

You.

Fucking.

Shitbags.

Despite the complete lack of posts this week I'm still alive, but I'm not sure if that's worth a shit right now. The nun-killing pedophiles at espn have apparently started hating me back, because it's not enough to just NOT air the best game in the country in my region. Oh no, you have to spend two Goddamn hours in front of Autzen, then don't tell the local cable mafia which game will air, and then give me Clemson-Georgia Tech one one channel and Wisconsin-Michigan State on the other. Have you watched any Wisconsin games this year? It's like watching old people fuck. You have something like 20 channels, and one of them is showing cars going in circles while there's sweet, sweet football being played all over this glorious country. A tease of this magnitude is the equivalent of waving a gravy-covered chicken fried steak in front of Charlie Weis, and eventually you're going to lose a limb.

And another thing, all of the games you've aired so far have totally sucked- that's on you too, because an evil empire that's as big as yours should have influence on things like the tides and the actions of men. Even the games on the other channels have sucked so far and that may as well be your bad too, you fucking fuckbags. You know what else is your fault? The horde of trees to the south of my property preventing me from getting satellite TV service, forcing me to go to Corporate McCarpetbagger's Sports Bar and pay $7.50 for a pint of Miller Lite. Ever tried that polock piss? I use it to clean drains.

ASU's on Fox tonight, suckas. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you bunch of puppy kickers.

Labels: hatred for the 4-letter network

This man:



who is referenced by this sign:



picked the Arizona State Sun Devils as his sleeper team for the 2007 season. This is as sure as Ol' Gil not making that sale even though he's soooo close. It's rock solid wrong. Sunrise, sunset. Death and taxes locked. 4-8, here we come.

We're fucked.

As if that's not enough, Rudy Carpenter threw a dicktacular 2-10 for 56 yards during last Wednesday's scrimmage, and 50 of those precious yards came on a single throw to phenom and now starting receiver Kyle Williams. Shhesh, 2-10? Before anyone goes jumping off the Mill Avenue bridge, we went through this last year. Some would have said that Carp was under too much pressure thanks to the Sam Keller ridiculousness, but Rudy was no more impressive last year after Sam went Nebraska-ward. The fact is that Carp has show no reason for any of us to believe that the Rudy.V.2005 is anywhere near Tempe, but rather we'll see entirely too much of that asshat who threw for 33 God damn yards against Oregon. I keep hearing how good the offense looks in practices but every time a game-like situation comes up and people start keeping track of things, Rudy has absolutely abysmal numbers. To wit:

Date   Comp/Att  Yards   TD
8/22        2/10         56       1
8/18       11/20        141       1
8/12         8/17        156      1
TOTAL  21/47       253      3

The 45% completion rate is the one that's jumping out at me, and that's against ASU's pass D with pressure applied from ASU's front four, the two weakest position groups on the team. What happens when conference play begins, or for that matter what happens when All-American corner Dwight Lowery comes to town this Saturday night?

While we're piling on, Rudy's accolades as the 2005 Insight Bowl MVP need to be divvied up among his receivers, because after further review most of his deep balls were waaaaaaay off target and guys like Terry Richardson and Matt Miller had to come back on their respective routes to make the catches and in the process make Carpenter look disproportionately good.

Having said all of that, I feel a little bad raking all of this muck after reading the story of an ASU "fan" who threw a soda at him. Throwing drinks at Carpenter is for UA fans after another loss in Tucson. Not cool.

But we're still fucked.

Labels: hatred for the 4-letter network, Oh crap here we go again

So I just finished watching the movie Invincible for the first time. You know, the one with Marky Mark. Totally unbelievable, and not in the oh my God 1980 Olympic hockey beat the Russians! unbelievable, I mean I just couldn’t get in to it. The main reasons:

• Thanks to it being a Disney movie, there wasn’t one single F-bomb in the whole flick. This is a movie about Philadelphia sports, the Eagles no less, and not one foul word. Bye bye, realism. I use pottymouth as a hollow attempt to make myself sound edgy and funny, but in Philly it’s simply part of the vernacular. It’s even more surreal than fellow mouse movie Remember the Titans not having a single N-word.

• Along the same lines, there was not a single drop of blood shed when those traitor fucks took a Giant fan to the upper deck of Veterans Stadium. I don’t care if she is a chick, the few Eagles fans I know would have gang-raped her AFTER beating her senseless.

• Speaking of the Vet’s upper deck, it’s a good thing they filmed this rag in a CGI-created fake stadium because the same thing would have happened to the actress playing that stuck up Giants fan bitch that wouldn’t put out.

• According to this collection of dicklickers the Vet had Field Turf in 1975, amazingly some 25 plus years before it was invented. Now I’ve never been to Philly, but based on the handful of games I’ve watched on tv there has never been as much perfect sunlight in that city’s history as there was during the one home game shown. Did they play the entire game on a perfect autumn afternoon between 5:45 and 6:15? Stupid fucking computers fucking everything up.

On the other side of things, I totally bought Greg Kinnear as Dick Vermeil, but I guess it’s not hard to play emotional and sappy when you’re emotional and sappy. Plus, the bonus feature “making of” piece is better than the actual movie. It’s narrated by the new NFL Films guy (not John Facenda OMG that would be teh hottness) and has plenty of clips featuring the real Vince including grainy game footage from way back when. I must also acknowledge the sexy factor of the aforementioned female Giant fan tending bar and talking football at a Ron Jaworski/Mark Malone* level. Yummy.

Look at that, I even worked an ASU reference in there for you.

In summary, it’s an ok watch if you’re Jonesing for football as bad as I am. If you’re an Eagles fan, pass on it entirely or you run the risk of having to purchase a new tv because you people are fucking crazy, like the Alabama of pro football. If you can’t get your hands on a copy in the next 14 days, you might as well wait until February because it’s not worth missing any real football games or coverage.

*- Mark Malone was a three year starter at quarterback for ASU from 1977-1980. He was also a damn fine studio host before the espn brass let Stu Scott fuck everything up.

Labels: ASU alumni, hatred for the 4-letter network, movie references, the offseason sucks

Hot diggity, today is the first day of practice! I don't know if this was a Koetter thing or what, but if you're planning on going to practice make sure to call ahead at (480) 965-5053 and get approval to attend. The boys are at Kajikawa Practice Facility (Rural and 6th, Tempe) this week before heading to Camp T next Wednesday.

Even though the mainstream media gets a lot of flack here in the blogosphere, the Valley outlets have been on the ball and done some impressive stuff. In addition to everything mentioned yesterday, Dan Zeiger of the East Valley Tribune does a preview of fall camp and addresses the top 10 questions facing the Sun Devil program. I was actually very taken by this quip of original thought from the first question, addressing the transition from Koetter to Erickson:

Something to watch — though, if it emerges, it will likely not be during the preseason — is how the Sun Devils respond to their coach’s let-players-be-players philosophy. Although Erickson preaches accountability, could ASU choke on the freedoms he gives?

It lends itself to the preconceived notions that Erickson runs a thug program and that trouble brews out of his jetwash after he leaves a particular program, but the point is very valid. I could make the argument that one of the reasons my Fall '98 g.p.a. was a robust 0.67 was that I had too much free time to swill Killian's at the Vine and (theoretically) do bong hits on the roof of my house until 5 am. Just sayin'.

Over at the big paper, Jeff Metcalfe does an excellent job (as usual) of previewing some of the newer faces that will be big-time contributors this year including both newcomers and guys who have worked their way up the depth chart. He also pens a short piece on the coaching change and notes that Omar Bolden, the potential savior of the #2 corner position, will be allowed to practice. Per the same article I'm also stunned to find that the nephew of the O.G. Rudy is an ASU baseball recruit.

Coming soon to Packard Stadium: whiny pipsqueak.

I don't know if it's the coaching change bringing new life to the program or that everybody really hated Koetter for being a jerk to the media, but even the local radio shows are getting on the Sun Devil bandwagon more than usual. KTAR has archived interviews with both Rudy Carpenter and Coach Erickson, and XTRA 910 has an additional hour-long interview with Carp (it's in 4 different parts). For the record I think XTRA's Bickley and Jurecki are twits and KTAR's Doug and Wolf are even worse, but it's nice to hear directly from the guys that are putting the work in to make things better on Saturdays this fall.

Coach E (can we start calling him Eazy-E?) is charismatic and easy to like, but I feel like I'm being set up for a letdown- the more I admire him, the more I know he's going to break my heart even worse, like retiring and leaving us on double-secret probation. Oh well, a smarter feller than myself once said, "tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Just get ASU to the BCS, that's all I ask. You can get more of Eazy's charm and wit by watching the video of Pac-10 Media day. After the link, click on "archived video"underneath Sparky and the site may require a brief and free registration.

Rudy comes off... like Koetter I guess- not to be insulting, but he's very cerebral and calculated. He sounds like he's coming to grips with who he is and who he needs to be as the leader of this team. He has a fragile psyche reliant upon confidence, which it sounds like he has regained after working with Eazy-E all spring and summer and attending the Manning Passing Academy as an instructor, where NFL scouts told him he has one of the most accurate balls in college today. He said he also really valued being able to pick Peyton Manning's brain at every available opportunity. That confidence will have time to solidify thanks to the home-heavy and soft early season schedule. What will be important is how he rebounds after a bad game or a loss. The playbook will be easier for players to grasp (I'm looking at you, wide receivers) since there's only one for the entire season- apparently Koetter used a different one for each week depending on the opponent.

Erickson's offense allows Carpenter to be more instinctive and quick-thinking as a quarterback rather than over-scheming and removing that intuitiveness that makes good quarterbacks great. Carp's also extremely happy that Offensive Coordinator Rich Olson isn't trying to change his throwing mechanics. He says he wants to “go back to how I was, how Jake [Plummer]was- just playing football.”

The interviews aren't all nuts and bolts. Rudy joked that he and the receivers have been working on end zone celebrations and that new kicker Thomas Weber needs to get ready to kick 35-yard extra points. On the upcoming season, he's looking forward to redeeming himself after last year's piss-poor performance against Cal and the Thanksgiving game against USC is circled on everyone's calendar, although they are all aware of the importance of the in-state rivalry.

“The biggest game for me every year is always UofA” Carpenter added, but after speaking of the emergence of the running game as a strength, he made the quote of the week: “I might not have a lot of TD passes this year but I’ll probably have about 5 or 6 against UofA.” Yippee!

See, the mainstream isn't so bad. I'm a total linkwhore for Everyday Should Be Saturday, but their site is down right now since they have server issues. Do you think espn ever has that problem? I think not. Eh, fuck that shit. On a final note, I have a new must-read-daily fanboy crush on another blog, Kissing Suzy Kolber. It takes "crude" to an artistic level and it's good enough that it actually makes me care about the NFL and fantasy football. Their pop-culture references make me look like a boorish 50-something golf-playing husband and they host a weekly reader's mock draft that's fucking spectacular. Pothead Simpsons fans really make the best journalists, after all.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, blog links, Dirk's a horse's ass, Greatest Fark Evah, hatred for the 4-letter network, I miss college, QnA, Shut up Carp, the new era

So I've moved to Tallahassee with some money in the bank but no job. The move to the smaller market has proved tougher than originally thought and thusly I have a lot of free time on my hands with zero friends so far. If you know anyone with construction management/real estate development connections in Tallahassee, by all means provide. On a whim I vowed to stay completely sober until I find work, leaving me with a heap of original thought and motivation. With not much else going on, I've turned to my OCD tendencies to help me through this quiet time. My activities have included:

• Keeping an immaculate home
• Watching every movie in my collection (I'm currently on #101 out of 125)
• Reading all of the comments on the infamous EDSBS post #1406 (had to stop at 400 for fear of insanity)
• Exercise *gasp!*
• Perusing message boards and the blogosphere to exhaustive lengths

I've been reading blogs that I usually don't frequent due to 1) a lack of time and 2) they're written at a level that, honestly, I can't handle everyday. MGoBlog, Dawg Sports, and Sunday Morning Quarterback are just three of several websites that lower my literary self-esteem to a level of inadequacy that makes undersized, bullied youths become cops. (I wonder if the local PD is hiring?) Here are three things that need your attention as fans of college football and the internet:

1. T. Kyle King's recent piece on DawgSports regarding the ongoing struggle with/against the media Death Star, espn.
2. On top of doing a preview page for every team in D-1, SMQ is now in the midst of thoroughly breaking down each BCS conference and Pac-10 Week should be right around the corner.
3. MGoBlog hosts the BlogPoll each season, which is like the AP but us sophisticated blogger types vote instead of the mainstream media folk. I've contacted the site about making tHOH eligible to vote but have heard no response so far. Preseason ballots should come out sometime in the next month and yes, I'll be totally biased for the Devils.

Not to leave without anything ASU-related, here's few nugs to keep you sedated for at least part of the next 36 days:

* The Sun Devils were picked to finish fourth in the Pac-10 preseason media poll, but who cares about the opinions and prognostications of writers before the season starts?

* Former ASU fullback Tex Wright, not to be confused with Randall "Tex" Cobb of Raising Arizona fame, is alive, well, and author of one of the all-time great ASU finishes that I'd never heard of before this week.

Nope, not him.

* As poster "ENCINITASjon" of Devils Digest put it, here's "one of the dumbest articles you'll ever read." It's so bad it may get its own post here in a couple of days.

* Former Sun Devil basketballer and Sigma Nu douchebag Ron DuBois landed a job as an assistant coach with the NBA's Memphis Grizzlies. See Tucson, we do stuff in the NBA too.

* I started my own poll at Devils Digest since I don't know how to do it here. It asked readers to vote for how long it would take for the 35-44-1 all-time record vs. UA to get evened up. The vast majority of voters chose 11-15 years, but unfortunately some folks from down south got involved and it turned into an argument about semantics and the interpretation of the written word, then forever banished to the rarely visited smack board.

* Dennis Erickson inked his fourth signee of the 2008 recruiting class, local offensive lineman Patrick Jamison, who was suited by Erickson since his last name is a fantastic whiskey. Jamison also received scholarship offers from UCLA, Tennessee, Oregon State, Boise State, UNLV, and Arizona.

Thanks to google image search, I was also reminded that "Jameson" is also the last name of a prominent porn star.

* Apparrently KTAR 620 was late to Pac-10 media day since they only have audio of Jim Harbaugh, Pete Carroll, and Karl Dorrell available on their website. Admittedly I was also late to link up to it, that's why I was looking. As soon as I can find a complete archived audio file of the proceedings I'll pick apart everything Dennis Erickson says and take a few pokes at Mike Stoops.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, blog links, dirty icky recruiting, hatred for the 4-letter network, hoops, movie references, regular old crackers, rivalry rants, surrounded by morons, UA morons

This is your team.

Labels: hatred for the 4-letter network, other sports

So here we are, the nitty gritty of the finest embarrassments ASU has to offer. Like the hippie olympics, it really doesn't matter who wins since they're all losers. For good measure, let's take roll one last time:

Honorable Mention: Courtney Simpson and Eddie House
#11: Courtney Jackson
#10: Bryson Krueger
#9: Ryan Kealy
#8: Connor Banks
#7: JR Redmond
#6: Hakim Hill
#5: Barry Bonds
#4: UAC student section (basketball, 1984-1988)

And without further adieu, the top criminals in the history of Arizona State University.

Honorable mention part III: the military industrial complex, 2004-present. They murdered Pat Tillman and lied to cover it up. Not much to say since more facts come to light each day. Is a government worth preserving when it lies to it's people?

Somewhat ironic thet they're seen here together.

#3: Mitchell "Fright Night" Freedman, football, 1994-1998. First, watch this. That's how he played all the time. Mean, crazy, and angry. Unfortunately that's also how he lived his life. Freedman is the only player on this list that gets his nickname on the subject line because it fits him so well, as Orson from EDSBS will attest. He once hit a BYU player so hard that both Freedman and the Mormon went to the hosptal after the game, and I have been told by those in attendance that he was screaming while running towards the victim. Where to begin? Well, how about this snippet from the AZ Republic:

Mitchell Dehaven Freedman, 30, a safety who earned the nickname "Fright Night" because of the ferocity of his tackles, was found guilty of 15 counts, including five counts of sexual assault, four counts of sexual abuse, kidnapping, aggravated assault and armed robbery. He could face more than 100 years in prison for the sexual assault charges alone.

And then he still faces trial on two other rape cases, one from 2003 and one that allegedly took place in 1992, when Freedman was 16.

Yikes. What's even scarier is that he wasn't even tried for the rapes that happened when he was a minor "because he was already going away for so long." I...I don't really know what else to say here. It's hard to imagine but his prison sentence may be longer than Loren Wade's after all is said and done.

#2 Stevin Smith, Basketball, 1991-1994. You knew it was coming, and why shouldn't it top the list? Smith, nicknamed "Hedake" by his teammates, orchestrated a point shaving scandal in 1994 that espn will never let die. Isaac Burton shouldn't be getting off lightly either, but Smith seems to be the main guy everyone remembers, probably since he was such an effective player when he wasn't, you know, cheating.

The scandal started when Smith got into cahoots with the now famous campus bookie Benny Silman. Smith was allegedly in debt to him for over $10,000, and the two plotted to beat Oregon State by six or fewer points when the Devils were favored by 14 1/2. It worked and managed to line both of their pockets quite well. The exact same plan was employed two days later against Oregon State, and the Devils once again won by 6.

The final straw was the day of a game against Washington, after Smith and Silman began to gloat about their recent financial successes. The word spread quickly, and heavy betting ensued- so much so, in fact, that the line on the game changed 40 times that day and Vegas oddsmaker Roxy Roxborough pulled the game from the betting board, the first time he had done so in his 15-year career. The FBI was notified, but the investigations didn't take place until 1997, enough time for Smith, Burton, and then head coach Bill Frieder to leave the scene of the crime. The fallout landed squarely on those left to continue ASU men's basketball.

Hedake (misspelled on purpose to fit on the vanity plate of his car) did 10 months in federal prison, but the stink of the scandal still hasn't completely lifted from ASU. His 10 months isn't so bad considering Silman got four years, but Silman also got a tv-movie deal out of it. Whenever ASU basketball is mentioned, point-shaving is typically associated with it. I suppose that's better than "sucks," but still defaming. It is the black eye that will never heal.

#1: Loren Wade, football, 2002-2004. The official site has removed his player bio from their archives, and rightfully so. What kind of a school do we have when players are murdering former teammates, outside of a club no less? The arguement started one night in Scottsdale and was reportedly about a girl. As Brandon Falkner was pulling away, Wade fired a fatal shot into the driver's side window of his car. While this is sickening as a Sun Devil, the societal ills it brings to light are equally alarming. There are no winners here: the Falkner family is burdened with overwhelming grief, ASU has been sued, Koetter was blamed for a lack of control, and Wade will be imprisoned for life. A truly sad moment for anyone involved.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, blog links, hatred for the 4-letter network, hoops, movie references, the offseason sucks, thug life

While I am no fan of espn, I try to always give credit where credit is due. Page 2 of their website has a fascinating article outlining the NFL Draft's first round busts over the last 15 or so years. It's a fun toy that helps you relive such promising collegiate/disappointing NFL careers like Ryan Leaf, Ki-Jana Carter, and Heath Shuler. Did you know that Shuler is a North Carolina congressman? Stupid basketball state. At least in Oklahoma they elect winners like JC Watts and Steve Largent.



To quench your Sun Devil thirst, here is a link to the "This Is Sun Devil Football" section of the 2006 media guide, chock full of photo collages which are always fun for all. For cheap, evil laughs, page 34 of your .pdf has a slew of notable quotes about the departed coach Koetter and what a genius football mind he possesses. You can peruse the rest of the media guide by section at this link.

Finally, tomorrow is my 28th birthday so there will be no posting due to me sneaking out of the office for some quality day drinking. If you care to join me this weekend for beverages, draft watching, and tales of how dominant Terrell Suggs was at ASU, drop me a line at houseofheat -at- gmail.com.
These eyes are either lusting after a quarterback or a double whopper. You make the call, but get out of the way. Quick.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, hatred for the 4-letter network, regular old crackers, the offseason sucks

First he steals content, now he's attacking blog sites for no apparent reason. While this is probably exactly what he wants to happen, the news must be spread: Colin Cowherd is a douchebag.

As reported by EDSBS, the aforementioned enema-facilitator today launched a nuclear attack on thebiglead.com, directing listeners to the site- not for witty, original content mind you- but solely for the purpose of crashing their server, knowing full well that most bloggers have extremely low bandwidth due to it's free nature.

Deadspin is also all over this like Mike Stoops on a pitcher of rage-ahol, and they have even gone so far as to challenge Sir Douchie to pull such a stunt on their anti-espn banner waving site with the following statement:

Oh, and go ahead and try that shit with us. We dare you.

Huzzah! This isn't the first time the blogosphere has had to unite against CC, either. Just 53 weeks ago the M Zone was mocking the NFL Draft Combine's Wonderlic test by coming up with some questions for the modern athlete (re: spoiled thug). It's brilliant stuff, really, which can be found here but you probably already heard it on Cowherd's espn radio show since he read eight of Benny & Yost's fake questions on-air without any mention of the actual authors. After responding professionally with several letters to the show, Cowherd sent the following response via email:

WE WERE SENT IT....WE HAD NO IDEA..BUT THE INCESSANT WHINING...MEANS I WON'T GIVE YOU CREDIT NOW..GET OVER IT.

CC

Ass. The M Zone can tell the story much better than I can, so you can read their version of what happened, followed by their one-year anniversary recap. Deadspin has their version of the encounter as well, which is just as juicy and more attacking than defensive. (as it probably ought to be)

Dirk's gone now, so someone has to fill in as the horse's ass.***

It should be noted that Cowherd gave proper credit to the original authors five days later, but a rift has been growing between traditional media members and we underwear-laden, couch-potato amateurs for some time now. Some folks like their sports news straight up and to the point. Some like it overproduced with dorks in suits yelling things like booya! throughout the stories about Notre Dame, USC, and the NBA. The rest of us like our news full of sarcasm, bias, and four letter words. Fuck. Yeah, I said it. We patronize blogs because we can't stand the mainstream media any longer. Mass-media outlet schtick has grown tiresome so we have gone elsewhere, and the big boys resent it. We want coverage of topics in which we are interested; we don't think it's important just because they do, like the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry.

Support your local blog. Ignore Cowherd and all things espn, or else you support terrorism. Ok, that's not entirely true. But mostly true. The only way things will ever really change is if we become more selective as an audience. Watch the games, sure, but ignore their coverage of them. We bloggers are better than they are anyway. Shit.

EDIT: I'd also like to point out that I'm totally not worried about Cowherd attacking this site for it's opinion since 1) only four people read it and 2) Blogger fucks up all the time anyway, so how would it be any sifferent.

***- this very website is the 7th result listed upon a google image search of "horse's ass." I am slowly starting to rock.

Labels: blog links, Dirk's a horse's ass, hatred for the 4-letter network, surrounded by morons

There is always a lull in Tempe after a game against UofA, so here's a few links to keep you entertained while your boss is in that meeting.

* Insomniac's Lounge has it's nominees for the proposed Cheerleader Hall Of Fame. Why yes, of course Courtney Simpson is in it.

* My boy Newspaper Hack over at Journorock is so desperate for college football content that he has engulfed himself in The College Football Data Warehouse looking for odd South Carolina or Alabama scores. Help the poor bastard out and leave anything you can think of regarding ASU in his comments section. The one that pops out is 19-0, but a little research never hurt anyone.
Hello? Is there anybody there?

* EDSBS is reporting a new espn college football show in the style of Baseball Tonight or NFL Live. Please espn, more analysis and less Lou Holtz. I have this horrible feeing that awfulness will surround this steaming pile of sob stories and puff pieces, while Trev Alberts will mock us all from afar.

* This guy is really, really sad. A "gent" calling himself B_Dog (the handle screams intelligence, no?) has taken a stand against ASU for having their player profile pictures depict the Sun Devil student athletes in jackets and neckties. Be sure to read all of the comments and weep for the future of Tucson. Further proof that it's not just me, UA fans really are douchebags.
The double-windsor: sick, misrepresentative, and just plain wrong.

* Finally, Gaddabout at Wired Devils has written a story defending Phil Snow, Bruce Snyder, and the supposed "prevent D" that doomed ASU in the 1997 Rose Bowl. If you've been hating them since 1/1/97 like I have, it's a tough read but valid points are made. To my friend Patrick, if you can hear me, don't read the article-your head may explode.
Damn you David Boston. Damn you all to hell.

Labels: blog links, hatred for the 4-letter network, regular old crackers, UA morons

So I was trolling around on ATS yesterday and came across this highlight reel titled "For a few Highlights More." My oh my, the grip espn has taken upon our society. Anyhoo, enjoy.



Speaking of espn, I'd like to give a shout out to the last great Sportscenter anchor, Kenny Mayne. His oddball calls and references make me long for the days of Keith Olbermann, Dan Patrick (back when he still had a soul), pre-lobotomy Charley Steiner, Bob Ley before they pushed him into the Dick Schaap Sunday morning fogey corner, and even Craig Kilborn, who I was never a fan of but is still light years ahead of anyone they have working there today. What brought this up? While reading a preview of this weeend's ASU-Washington match up, I thought aloud to myself "...but they don't play games on paper, they play them inside of television sets." Touche, Mayne, and sliante!

Labels: hatred for the 4-letter network, movie references

I'll be heading out to Durham tonight to check out the Duke-Florida State game tomorrow with my Nole grad girlfriend and a couple of friends, so I'll be sure to leave you with a swath of snippets and links from the world that is ASU football. I've pretty much exhausted myself breaking down tomorrow's matchup between the Trojans and the Devils, so let's find a bit more to discuss, shall we?

* Unfortunately, I'll be in Texas on Thanksgiving. The good news is that it's only a layover at DFW on the way to Tempe for Turkey Day! I'll be there for famly, friends, and of course this year's turf war between the Sun Devils and Wildcats, already being dubbed "The Dud In The Desert." I tried to purchase tickets through the opponent's website, and this was the message I received:

We're sorry, football is currently down for maintenance.

Please try again next year.

I Guess ol' Mikey hasn't exactly been setting the world on fire down there. I went back today, and apparently they're selling tickets for the University of Wyoming! (here's what their stuff looks like, and note the logo for single game purchases) I don't make this stuff up folks, they just must have a team of monkeys running things down in the old pueblo.

* ASU basketball has it's first official practice tonight under new head coach Herb Sendek, and this season's outlook is so bad that the AZ Republic ran a cover story about a player that won't even play for the Devils this year. Take cover until baseball season, Sun Devil fans.

* Call me crazy, but it sure seemed like Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit were a little buzzed during last night's telecast of the VA Tech-Boston College game. Of course I can't prove that they took a tour of the Samuel Adams brewery just before kickoff, I'm just saying it seems awfully possible. Their banter regarding the apparent fall of Tech and the inefficiency of the replay system sounded like they were having too good of a time by espn standards, of course that may have something to do with ditching College Gameday chaperone and resident coot Lee Corso for the evening. Speaking of that game, it's nice to see those turkeyfuckers go down in flames and even have a flair-up on the sidelines. The wave of recruiting power that was Michael Vick seems to be waning, so hopefully Tech fans will head back for the hills (quite literally).

* My standard espn gripe this week is this "full circle coverage" poppycock. When you have one game on 4 channels that total something like 11 simultaneous angles, I get seizures, plain and simple. Besides, who wants to see that much of Northern Alabama anyway? Of course if they weren't wasting four channels one one game the folks on the left coast would be able to see the great matchup between Michigan and Penn State (not to mention ASU-USC) without buying a satellite package. Regional coverage blows.

* Devil's Digest has two quality in-depth previews of tomorrow's game in LA. I could probably write something that good if I only had seen USC play this year. Please refer to the espn gripe, not to mention the Pac-10's ludicrious loyalty to Fox Sports Net, a channel you can't even get in Richmond.

I guess it's time to do some real work so I can get the fudge out of town. Have a great weekend, and I'll leave you with this: your moment of zen. JoePa's next gig after Penn State- Wal-Mart greeter. Adios!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, hatred for the 4-letter network, hoops, message board nonsense, regular old crackers, rivalry rants, tailgating, UA morons

Lou Holtz, or as he pronounces it Holtsh, just referred to former Georgia Bulldog quarterback DJ Shockley as JD Stokley. I'm off to clean up my own urine.
This crazy old codger sure makes halftime fun.

Labels: hatred for the 4-letter network, surrounded by morons

Watching this Texas native/alum/resident stoner jumping around on Texas' sidelines just isn't enough is it? It's one thing to give an interview in the booth of a great game few are watching to promo your new flop film We Are Marshall, but there is no good reason for you to jump around on the Marshall sidelines like a retard. As a native of Oklahoma I consider this to be an omen of epic proportion, instructions from God himself to gamble, and to do so heavily on the Sooners for this weekend's Red River Shotout. Hang dem Horns!

Horns fans should be ashamed of this guy, especially since he's their most famous alum in between Earl Campbell and Ricky Williams. Take that Texas, with your Oklahoma Suks beer and all. Yeah, it's a real product, concocted by the folks at Independence Brewery in the center of all that is unholy: Austin, Texas. Is there anything good about Texas, you ask? All I can think of is that no matter what food you order in any restaurant in Texas, it comes topped with bacon, jalapenos, and chili, and all that results in is a case of the JoePa's. That's it. The best they have to offer ends in diarrhea, pure and simple. I hate Texas. They've wanted independence from the Union for centuries, and I say they should have gotten it decades ago. Back to McConaughey, is it just me or is he looking more and more like the cavemen from those obnoxious Geico commercials? You be the judge.

This bye week just might kill me.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, hatred for the 4-letter network, movie references, rivalry rants, surrounded by morons

Not that crappy high school football drama-oh no- I'm enjoying an evening of college football courtesy of the deuce and the way they tarnish shabbas by making whores of underrecognized college football programs who scratch and claw for a morsel of national media attention and achieve these small crumbs by playing on nights that aren't spelled S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y. This will be all I'll get this week since I'll be in a drunken, music filled Alcatraz tomorrow, not that I'm complaining or anything. I didn't think ASU would be able to play defense again this year, so I wasn't woried about missing a supposedly sure loss at Cal and their John Holmes-sized preseason expectations when I decided to go. I ordered a pizza and cracked a Keystone Light, and here we are. Hail Sa- I mean Friday! A few random thought's on tonight's matchup between Northwestern and Nevada.

* ASU beat both of these teams 52-21 (each) over the last year or so.

* I'd like to root for UNR (not to be confused with UNRB- university of NO Rose Bowls) specifically because it would help Arizona State's strength of schedule, but one can't arbitrarily cheer or the opponents of a team that lost their coach to a heart attack weeks before the season started; that's just fucked up, not to mention a whalloping amount of bad karma. I have a feeling that ASU is going to need all of the karma they can get for tomorrow's tilt against Cal.

* Rod Glmore winked at the camera the moment he got on screen for the first time. My girlfriend would think that's ultra-cute, but thankfully she's in the other room working on her MBA, otherwise my mini-Saturday might be tainted by conversations like "who was he winking at?...I bet it was his wife...does he have kids?...where did he go to college?" I love her to death, but that has nothing to do with what second half adjustments Northwestern is going to make against the pistol offense.

* Speaking of the woman, I flipped through the channels during a commercial break and came across the replay of the Grey's Anatomy season premiere. Even though we watched it last night and I really like the show, the remote would have gone to the dark side of network programming had she noticed because I'm weak and whipped. Whew, that was close.

* Former Sun Devil Garrick McGee is on Nevada's coaching staff. Funny how out of all of the Arizona media that absorb during football season, I didn't read that tidbit once during the week that ASU played Nevada. Another thumbs down, valley media. I'd like to be more lyrical in my media bashing, but Brian takes the cake with this post. Actually that's my bad, apparently he's on Northwestern's staff. Dan Bickley's incompetence s rubbing of on me! Egads!

*On a study break, my girlfriend showed me this. Wooooo!

* Northwestern's quarterback didn't play under center until his senior year of high school and he runs like a gazelle. Did somebody say Matt Jones?

* With roughly 7 minutes to play in the first half, there is finally a mention of Nevada's ass-whipping at the hands of ASU. God forbid they actually show a few clips from that gem, but then the four-letter network would have to thank Fox for the footage. Oh, the horror!

* I consider myself to be one of those idiotic superfans that bleeds maroon and gold and believes that Team Sparky can do no wrong. Having said that, I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever buy one of those heat pumps with the official NCAA team logos all over it. That's white-trashy bush league crap. I bet they're really popular in Kentucky, Tennessee, and Texas.

* Girlfriend's done with homework early, and we're going out for a nightcap. No time for a Cal preview, other than to say they scare the crap out of me. I see this game being tougher than USC at the Coliseum, and I'm not kidding. I think this is ASU's best chance for a loss, but with the ball control and defense being shown so far, it could come down to a game winning field goal by whoever has the ball last. ASU's not known for these types of victories, are they? Oh yeah there's that one... best of luck ASU, we may need it!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, blog links, hatred for the 4-letter network, message board nonsense, rivalry rants, surrounded by morons

For those of you who were watching the Notre Dame pregame strokefest on NBC, you kloosers missed a hell of a finish in Raleigh. NC State scored with roughly one minute remaining in the game to give the Pack a three point lead. The Zips charged down the field, largely in part due to a 60-yard completion. A qb sneak situated the Zips on the one yard line with three seconds left and the clock stopped. Rather than kick the field goal and go to overtime (when Akron clearly had momentum), head coach Big Balls McGee elected to go for the win and did so by running the ball over the left tackle and in to the paint. Man Boobs Amato ran off the field without his team, holding one finger aloft(not the middle, I looked). What exactly was he doing? It could be:

1) He was setting the special teams unit to defend the one point try.

2) Assuring the red and white fans that hey! We're still #1, dadgummit!

3) He thought NC State actually won the game.

Sad, sad, sad. It's going to be tough for Amato to show his face around Raleigh after this one, and this video isn't helping matters. NO, Wolfpack faithful, ASU doesn't need another one of your coaches. Well, let's put that on old until tomorrow morning.

Labels: hatred for the 4-letter network, I'm witty

The one on the left is espn, and the one on the right is college football as we knew it.
The vile beast that is espn has alienated an important market segment: me. Ok, so that happened awhile ago, but the fact that one of the biggest college football rivalry games is not on network tv has sent me into a whole other stratosphere of espn-hating. The four letter network (TFLN) is televising the FSU-Miami game on THREE of their networks, but ABC is airing back to back episodes of "Wifeswap" tonight. I don't have cable because I really don't enjoy watching tv (college sports excluded), but I figured I could still get most of the good games on network and go to bars when necessary, particularly for ASU games. In a conversation with my two-time Seminole alum and marketing major girlfriend (who is equally pissed), we figured out where this once noble ship was blown off course.

TFLN was founded by sports lovers in the infancy of cable television. The original crew was taking a risk by working at a fledgling company when no one really knew what kind of success, if any, would occur. These risks were taken because they were doing what they loved- they were watching sports. Even though they are now washed-up caricature versions of their former selves, the passion for sports is still visible in the tenured on-air personalities that are still with the network, Dick Vitale and Chris Berman. That passion has been locked out of the boardroom for years now, and network founder/my fraternity brother William F. Rasmussen is long gone.

TFLN grew beyond anyone's expectations, spawning TFLN2 and acquiring The Classic Sports Network, which was promptly bastardized/Christened as TFLN Classic. Great idea, but now they only show games that originally aired on ABC or TFLN. When TFLN2 began, it announced its presence with Death Star fashion by airing #1 UNC vs. #2 Duke when nobody could even get the deuce because cable companies weren't carrying it yet. In the glory days of sports broadcasting JP/Raycom would have bumped lame sitcoms like Major Dad and aired the game in primetime directly over top of any network programming. Here in the mid-atlantic, that game is treated like state of the union addresses- airing on multple channels, programming be damned.

TFLN grew at such an alarming rate that they partnered with ABC in the late 1990's and began going after different market segments. It wasn't enough to have every red-blooded American male wrapped around their collective johnson, now they had to go after our women and children, something that (I thought) was strictly forbidden by the Geneva Convention of 1949. They used a battle plan known as Sportstainment!, the brainchild of then TFLN head Mark Shapiro. Rather than show sports, they starting showing shows about sports. You may remember Playmakers, A Season On the Brink, etcetera and their sucktastic qualities. During those dark days, I longed for tape-delayed arena football, ping-pong tournaments, and world's strongest man competitions(Magnus ver Magnusson is the shizznit). By seeking out the other gender, they alienated those of us who got them to where they were. We are the true sports fans, and we are no longer a priority.

When ABC and TFLN merged a few years ago, what were once merely sports became seen as commodities to be bought and sold. A game of this magnitude, especially on a holiday, will get a huge ratings share no matter where it is hosted. Because the game is on cable, you have segmented the market to those who are truly watching the game and alienated those who are simply flipping channels. By having this viewership lock down, each brand becomes more potent, and therefore more valuable to advertisers. Even though the overall number of viewers is lower on TFLN than it would be on ABC, the segment that will watch is more likely to buy cars, insurance, and beer, so the cockgobbling network executives can charge more per brand and therefore make more cash. This is why I will not be watching the FSU-Miami bloodbath in my underwear.

Can it possibly get any worse than it already is? Of course it can. Eventually they're going to go 100% Hi-Def, so you better have a plasma screen or you'll be as out of the loop as I am. The next feat by this rising monopoly will be to contract with conferences and teams, something that is already done to a certain extent (see Michigan). It is gravely important that CBS and NBC retain their respective rights to the SEC and Notre Dame, because if TFLN gets a hold of them we may see an abomination of American rights: college football pay-per-view. The Gameplan package is already bad enough, but at least some of those games are still broadcast in their home market segments without a monumental fee.

For those of you that have cable, HD tv's, and all the other cool stuff that leave you saying "shell out the $75 per month you brokeass," below are a few links that should help you see the light of how bad your viewing evperience has become. Enjoy the game tonight, I hope I can get it on the radio. Somewhere Howard Cossell is giving all of those bastards a big middle finger.






EDSBS' list of why TFLN sucks.

MGoBlog
Brian's continuation of the above list.

espnsuckage.blogspot.com
Pretty much says it all right there. This one has daily updates on the loathsome and heinous acts committed by TFLN.

blog.lordsutch.com
More of the same, just someone else saying it.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, blog links, hatred for the 4-letter network, movie references, surrounded by morons

I realize that my ASU football blog has become more of an anti-espn rant than anything, but this is unacceptable.

Rudy Carpenter threw for 2,273 yards and 17 TDs in 2005.But Carpenter, who redshirted in 2004 after playing his senior season at Westlake High in Los Angeles, sparked the Aztecs to a 4-1 record in their last five games. He threw for 2,273 yards and 17 touchdowns and led the country in pass efficiency (175.01).

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.



Aztecs!? I realize that according to the four-letter network it's Notre Dame's world and the rest of us are just visitors, but there are teams west of the continental divide that aren't USC. A Hell Hog using the message board name redsoxfan85 claims to be an employee of espn and can't believe that there are roughly 15 people working there with ASU ties, "yet they continue to embarass our university on a daily basis." I get the feeling that the unnamed 15 don't include Mark Malone or Darren Woodson. For those of you not familiar with this somewhat legitimate conspiracy theory, here are the basic examples all Devil fans have noticed:

*When a story about ASU airs, roughly 50% of the time it involves either the 1994 point shaving scandal or Loren Wade.
*Of the non-illegal stories with reference to ASU, they manage to substitute the Sparky/ASU logo with a Wilbur/U of A logo. I'm not kidding or exaggerating here.
*Brent Musberger repeatedly referred to ASU "the wildcats" during lat year's Insight Bowl telecast, but I suppose that's par for the course with that senile bastard.

It's not like we're light years off the map; those punks filmed College Gameday in Tempe last season.

In unrelated business, the Sun Devils just landed top-notch hoops recruit James Harden for the 2007 class. He's supposedly a silky-smooth, 6'4" shooting guard that won MVP awards at two different AAU tournaments over the last few weeks(and a southpaw to boot). I realize fall camp is underway and my focus should be on the gridiron, but Devil fans haven't had much to celebrate basketball-wise in a looooong time. He's expected to be named a McDonald's All-American this season, which is like the high school all-star team. When you think about how many kids play high school ball, it's really mind boggling how good Harden could really be.

Wells Fargo Arena, seconds before tipoff

Labels: ASU alumni, dirty icky recruiting, hatred for the 4-letter network, regular old crackers

"There's nothing more satisfying than pointing out the shortcomings of others." - Randal, Clerks.

Lord knows I hate espn, but any gross error in content, particularly from a national attention grabber, should be noted and mocked by hack amateur journalists. CNNSI's ongoing preseason hype is titled, in great big letters, The Great Wide Open, even though there are only 16 teams that meet their criteria for having a chance at the crystal football.

Furthermore, the network has "teamed up" with Athlon Sports to provide previews of all 116 D-1 teams. I'm pretty sure Athlon paid CNNSI to publish their opinions, since they have title contender Georgia Tech garnering a 7+ win season, but struggling mightily to do so. I guess we know who's the pitcher and who's the catcher in that relationship. Other vomit-inducing, stool softening picks include Clemson, South Carolina, Michigan, Utah, and motherfucking Nebraska. What, no Arizona?

At this time I would like to thank Big E for pointing out what I moron I was in the Dale Robinson article (below). I'm quick to jump on others, but I'll certainly own up to any mistakes. The silver lining is that I've been doing this for a week and a half and I'm already on the level of Sports Illustrated, which is several notches above the four-letter network. I got your 'booya' swingin Stu, you lil bitch.

Labels: hatred for the 4-letter network, movie references, rivalry rants