The House Of Heat

It's fuzzy but it's fo' real!

ASU is fourth in the BCS for doing nothing more this week than sippin' on purple drank and scroggin' bitches during their bye week. During undergrad I lived across the street from a few footballers just off of Hardy Drive. On bye week Saturday they went around to all of the houses in the immediate vicinity and let us know that they were having a party and politely asked that we speak to them and not the police regarding any noise complaints. It was one of those ridiculous parties like you see in the movies with extraordinarily hot ladies and gigantic muscle-filled gentlemen stumbling and vomiting on the front lawn. They didn't invite us, oh by the way.

So what did you do for your bye week?

Sometimes you wake up with the urge to do something superbly stupid, like buying a case of everclear and looking up your old fraternity brother who just got moved from an ATF watch list to a work-release program. While I'm not that crazy (because that guy really exists in real life) I did manage to create a similarly self-destructive scenario by teaming up with an Arkansas alum and showing the local Seminoles how to party by arriving on campus at 3 a.m. and throwing a 24 hour tailgate. No hangover today but the legs are sore after standing for nearly 28 hours, including one of the better football games I've ever witnessed. Too bad for you it was regionally televised, because it was a doozy. Miami fans are the worst group of people since the fall of the third reich, and they make U of A fans look like the service staff at your local Ritz-Carlton. To top it all off, none of them even went to school there.

Cal's loss at UCLA may hurt ASU's strength of schedule, but the Bears will come rolling in to town on Saturday playing like a wounded animal. ASU will have a target on it's back and he nation's eyes will be on Tempe, seeing if this supposed paper tiger can really play against a good team. The defense will have its' hands full with a recovered Nate Longshore, DeSean Jackson, and Justin Forsett. Saturday would be a good time for this team to come out firing and play all four quarters. We shall see.

And finally, former ASU baseballer Dustin Pedroia had plenty of fun after his Red Sox clinched the ALDS (picture from loljocks.blogspot.com).

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, movie references, surrounded by morons, tailgating

Through a lot of linking I found a roundtable discussion brought forth by Trev Alberts of FireMarkMay.com that, while a month old, could use my attention. I'm not yet a blogpoll member but I aspire to be, so here goes...

Your Home Field Advantage

Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.

We all bow to Frank Kush, the patron saint of Sun Devil football who was professionally crucified by those whom he had come to enlighten- a camp catalyzed by a false idol, none other than a flag-waving kicker. (as everyone knows, kickers are NOT football players) The congregation became disillusioned and dissolved in the following years by carpetbaggers such as Rodgers and Cooper, then demoralized by Marmie the incompetent. Savior Jake Plummer had come to restore joy to the desert, but by that time the barbarians of professional sport had fully infiltrated the holy land and many followers had converted to the dark side. Our sect became divided in recent years, falling into the camps of lovers and haters and split by one man's papacy, Dirk Koetter. Koetter was forced out after piss-poor performance and record-setting bad decisions, which allowed for the new savior to enter our church, one Dennis Erickson. In a throwback to the old testament of Kush, Erickson preaches ideas once thought to be antiquated, like a running game and a physical defense. Lovers and haters are reunited and hope is restored in Sun Devil Land as we wander through the desert, although not-so-aimlessly anymore.

If this piece doesn't get me into hell for violation of the 1st Commandment, nothing will.

Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.

In the spirit of espn being onsite, Pat Tillman's death will be exploited to the grandest extent. Gold-colored Army Ranger berets will be administered to the first 50,000 attendees, the marching band does a patriotic 4th of July-style set at halftime, and there is a missing man flyover to accompany the fireworks after each Sun Devil score.

Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.

Other than alcohol? For four bucks apiece, Filiberto's (or whatever it's called now) offers burritos made to order. The tortilla throwing tradition takes on a whole new level when players and cheerleaders start slipping on fresh-made guacamole, but Michael Crow puts the kibash on the whole thing after a male cheerleader dies when a chorizo and egg burrito funnels through a megaphone and asphyxiates him. Jan had spirit, yes he did...

With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.

Lot 59 is replaced with sod, shade trees, and plumbing facilities because quite frankly we are light years behind the Southeastern schools when it comes to tailgating, mostly because spending all day on shadeless blacktop in 110+ degree heat is no one's good time. For extra income the former parking lot is a nine-hole, par-three golf course during the week and a 10-story parking megastructure is erected for regular student parking where the bullshit Alpha Drive fraternity houses once sat.(hollaback old school Adelphi row!) We can put it right next to the football team's brand spankin' new indoor practice facility.

Just imagine a grove of oaks 160 yards that way.

General NCAA questions

Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.

The Stoops regime is fired from Tucson and they moochingly move back into brother Bob's McMansion basement in Norman, all while trying to raise a young daughter/sissyboy. Think My Two Dads but with three guys, two of whom are gay. And a lot of strained-faced yelling.

Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.

Jeez this thing is getting long. The Pac-10 finally got it right with the full round-robin schedule, no need for me to go fucking with it. As for the OOC slate, I'd like to see the Sun Devils take on more teams in the northeast and upper midwest. ASU is so popular with non-athlete students that it offers virtual orientation in Philly, Chicago, and Seattle, and this desire to escape the miserable fucking cold of those God-forsaken places ought to be exploited for recruiting purposes. Imagine getting on a plane in lake effect snow-ridden Buffalo in February and landing in Tempe where it's 75 and sunny for an official visit, and now envision a behemoth 18 year-old signing on the dotted line.

Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.

The existing bowl games get used on a rotating basis as neutral sites for a 16-team playoff, and the ones that aren't selected for the bracket games can be held as exhibitions, like a football NIT. More traditional bowls like the Rose and Fiesta are used for the latter rounds and they rotate much like the BCS does now. I'd like to suggest that the current conferences be blown up and reorganized into equally sized divisions (while eliminting those bullshit conference championship games) for the purpose of selecting some of the participants in this proposed playoff, but that's just crazy talk.

Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.

Charles Fucking Barkley, and I don't think I need to explain myself. Even though he's a basketball player, being from Alabama he should intuitively understand the importance of college football.

Be sure to check out others' responses in the comments section of FireMarkMay's original post.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, blog links, Dirk's a horse's ass, dirty icky recruiting, Greatest Fark Evah, movie references, Pac-10 business, QnA, tailgating, UA morons

I absolutely adore March Madness. While the first two rounds are tailor-made for ditching out of work to go to a bar, the second two are perfect for at-home viewing. There are only two games going at a time, requiring a bit more focus than you can get at a bar, specifically the option of sound.

Over the years I have watched far more tournament minutes than I have missed, and CBS has been the exclusive carrier of the tourney for most of my life. After a couple decades of intense viewership, one tends to notice repititions in CBS' coverage and the same old schtick gets tiresome. If you aren't going to be at a bar, you might as well get snookered in the friendly confines of your own home. For your personal entertainment, I have devised a NCAA tournament drinking game. The rules are as follows, and you'll note that none of the rules really have anything to do with the actual game of basketball, just CBS' average-at-best coverage of it.

One drink
For every Master’s commercial
Whenever CBS mentions how exclusive their coverage is
For every “game reset” or “game summary”
Anytime you hear the word “Cingular”
Whenever Nantz and Packer throw to Greg Gumbel
A close up of a band geek or cheerleader
Any time a bracket is displayed on screen

Two drinks
Two commercial breaks without any game action in between
Two commercial breaks on consecutive dead ball whistles
Anytime Jim Nantz makes a pun using a player/team name
Anytime Billy Packer repeats a point *this can get you in trouble
Anytime Packer explains a rule

Three drinks
Billy Packer tells a story about a different NCAA tournament
Billy Packer tells a story about when he played
When the incredibly uninformative “tournament summary” is displayed
Anytime Nantz gives Packer a Jim Lampley-style gay smile on camera

Finish!
Anytime anyone says “one shining moment”
Any kind of technical malfunction


It gets a bit old sacrificing a weekend just to watch 16 hours of basketball, especially when it isn't the Sun Devils. Why not induce liver disease?

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, hoops, I'm a big fatass, tailgating

Labels: ASU alumni, I miss college, tailgating

I've never been to Louisiana. I once had plans to go, but they were foiled at the last minute by circumstances beyond my control. After seeing this video, I desperately want to go there now more than ever. I also wish I had taken my time in school and not graduated so soon. Commence.

Labels: I miss college, tailgating

Congrats to all of you Gators, Buckeyes, Sooners, Broncos, and whoever the hell is playing in the Insight Bowl. You have had successful enough seasons to land you in a bowl game in the Valley of the Sun. Since there isn't much going on in Sun Devil Land outside of the coaching carousel, I'll fill you all in on where to go and how to have a little fun in the Metro Phoenix area.

First, you'll be flying into Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. This is only one airport, but it is the perfect introduction to Arizona's passion for over-naming things, particularly when it comes to public works projects. The freeways can be especially confusing, but here is a quick breakdown:

Red Mountain freeway= AZ 202
Superstition freeway= US 60
Piestewa Peak Parkway/Squaw Peak expressway= AZ 51*
Black Canyon Highway= I-17
I-10 South= I-10 EAST**
I-10 North= I-10 WEST**

*- Squaw Peak was renamed Piestewa Peak after the female POW killed in Afghnistan.
**- Interstate 10 runs East-West from Jacksonville, FL to Los Angeles, CA with the exception of the area in between Tucson and Phoenix, which are geographically North and South from one another. Arizonans are notoriously geocentric.

Don't think for a second you can make this trip without renting a car. The vast majority of the Phoenix area was consructed after World War II and is therefore built at the scale of the automobile. By land area it is the largest city in the world, and there is no reliable public transit to speak of. Get a car, and do it right by tailgating on gameday and enjoy the gorgeous desert winter (feel free to be unimpressed, Gators). More on that in a moment. Also, be sure to pack at least one sweatshirt and pair of jeans; it surprises some that it gets a little chilly at night in the desert.

Lodging
There really isn't any reason not to stay in Tempe, even if the game is in Glendale. The west side of town (where Glendale is) is a vast wasteland of strip mall establishments and it lacks any originality and culture. The most "southwestern" thing you'll find in Glendale is Chili's, and you can get those scrumptious egg rolls and baby back ribs anywhere. Tempe is home to Arizona State University and their collection of magnificent coeds and bars; quite frankly you'd kick yourself for going all that way and not getting as much of T-town as you can. If you're going all-in, stay at the Tempe Mission Palms on 5th Street. It's a swanky joint that's in between Mill Avenue and Sun Devil Stadium (about a block each way) and is stumbling distance from anything you'll need to go to (besides the Fiesta Bowl or NC game). A cheaper but almost as convenient option is the Twin Palms Hotel on Apache Boulevard, which is nice because they have a 24-hour IHOP in the lobby. Otherwise I suggest searching one of those fancy travel websites and look up hotels by proximity to the intersection of 5th Street and Mill Avenue in Tempe. You'll thank me later. If they're all booked you can check with proximity to Downtown Scottsdale, but it'll cost you.

No, you can't take them home with you.

Booze
This is one of our specialties at ASU! One of the great things about drinking in Tempe is that the local legislators passed a smoking ban a few years back, leading business owners to install lavish patios and decks for your enjoyment. The bar-closing time in AZ is 2 am, so be sure to plan ahead and make the most of your evenings.

Mill Avenue is the alcoholic crown jewel of the Valley, featuring such mainstay bars as Ra (saki bombers), Rula Bula (Irish), and Mill Cue Club. There are plenty of other refuges from sobriety on this strip, but they change names so often that I don't even kow what they're called anymore. While at Cue Club, try to get a pool table but be sure to order their Monster Long Islands and killer Kamikazes, as both are well priced and contain double the booze you're used to.

There's a spot just off of Mill Ave. called Z-Tejas that features one of the booziest, best tasting drinks of all time: the Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. I typically hate frozen drinks, but this is the exception. Practice saying it, because it can be a mouthful once your BAC gets over a .25- Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. The bar limits each customer to three of these bad boys apiece, but if they're the slightest bit busy they won't argue too much when you slur out that "this was only my second one." Have your group be on one big tab, and you should be safe. They tend to close whenever they feel like it, so be sure to go before 11 or 12.

If you're in town on a Thursday night, be sure to swing by The Vine on Apache Boulevard, just south of campus. They have 32 ounce drafts for $2.75, $2 Jaeger shots, and a brand of karaoke that is more fun than karaoke should be. Many a Thursdays in this establishment end up with folks dancing on chairs, fighting in the parking lot, and puking in the bushes. A friend of mine actually got hit by a car leaving that joint, so watch how you cross. If it's busy and you want to sing, slip Stu (the karaoke guy) a Jaeger shot, it works damn near very time.

Other noted establishments to visit in Tempe include the Heart Attack Grill. Forget about what you've heard about In N' Out, this place kicks tons of ass. The waitresses are slutty nurses, they fry their potatoes in lard, they sell cigarettes and beer, and their basic burger is a 1/2 lb. bacon cheesburger known as "the bypass." Keep in mind that if you packed your testicles in the suitcase they also offer a double bypass, triple bypass, and quadruple bypass. I recommend them without onions, as they are more than generous with them. While you're in that part of town, make sure to swing by The Tilted Kilt, which is just down Warner Road. Waitresses and bartenders with revealing tops and short short plaid skirts offer you a choice from thirty or so draft beers and at least a dozen plasma big screens. The perfect spot for watching other bowls. Or boobs. Whatever. They may even serve food, I'm really not sure. These two women-oogling joints will leave you saying "fuck Hooters" in no time.

The highlight of any bowl trip to the valley is the Tempe Block party, held on Mill Avenue on new year's eve. It is a collection of has-been bands on numerous stages, but there are plenty of beer gardens and the existing bars on Mill to get you so drunk you can't hear sound. The attendance is typically in the six-figure range, many of which are out of towners sporting the various colors of their alma maters. Be sure to wear team colors for instant bonding with strangers; it will also make you a target for heckling and fights, which is really fun for the locals.

If you prefer club sluts to bar bimbos, downtown Scottsdale is the place for you! Start somewhere low key like Magnum's or Dos Gringos, and then head out to Axis/Radius, Cajun House, Martini Ranch, or the ther clubs in that tiny district. You'll be shocked and awed at the amount of money and plastic surgery that will flash before your very eyes, but most of it isn't as it appears. Keep in mind that Scottsdale is the Joe Dirt Arizona version of Beverly Hills: there's plenty of money there, but they'd be small potatoes in LA. Take a cab take you there if you're staying somewhere else, the driver will know exactly where you should go depending on the night of the week.

Grub
Now we're getting down to business. As you may imagine, the local specialty is Maican food, and not that crap covered in chili that you get on a layover at DFW. I could rave for days regarding that various places around town, but the boys at Devil's Digest have already thrashed this topic enough to garner a sticky thread you can view here. Here's a couple of quickies for you in case yu lack the patience to deal wth mesage broad mispelllings.

Macayo's- get the green corn tamales, chicken baja burro, or anything wth baja sauce on it.
Julio's Too- Free chips and salsa, $1.50 drafts (I don't think they've changed that) and the legendary MINI CHIMICHANGAS. If you're at the Insight Bowl, this is a must at halftime. Leave your seat with two minutes left in the half and start sprinting. Order twice as many drafts as you think you can drink and start guzzling- you can finish them, I assure you.
Filiberto's- or any other restaurant that ends in "berto's," really. This is the most authentic Mexican food you'll find in America, and the quality increases with each sip of alcohol. Plus, every one is open 24 hours a day. I recommend going after the bars, and you'll be surprised at how busy they are. Oh, and don't fall asleep at the wheel while in the drive through. They hate that. As for food, try the rolled tacos, flying saucer, chicken burritos, quesadillas, or especially the breakfast burritos. A chorizo burrito with eggs and potatoes is so good it just might cure cancer. Anything there is good, and the portions are huge. If you order the same way you would at Taco Bell, be prepared to throw a lot of food away.
Jack in the Box- a 24 hour fast food place if your system can't handle a Filiberto shit more than one hungover morning per week. Try the tacos, they're fabulous.
The Back Of Some Mexican's Car- Kind of a joke, but kind of not really. If a Mexican-looking fellow offers to sell you food out of his car, buy it. His wife worked hard to make it and it's the same they're eating at home. The best tamales you will ever have in your life, guaranteed. Cheap, too.

The valley also offers up a decent slice of pizza here and there. Pizzeria Bianco in downtown Phoenix garnered an award as the best pizza in the nation, but I wouldn't know since there is never less than a 90 minute wait. The have a wine bar, so if you have the time and patience make the trip. Greasy Tony's at University Dr. and Rural Rd. is the best in Tempe, serving up Jersey-style cheesesteaks and Italian fare that had Rutgers fans raving last year. Also look for Nello's, with several valley locations.

If you're looking to go a little more high-brow when watching other bowl games, check out Coach and Willie's in downtown Phoenix. Leather furniture, kickass steaks, lots of scotches to choose from, and always the highest quality football-watching technology. In fact, they probably have games in Blue-Ray already. Dress nice and bring plenty of moolah.

Other Sights and Scenery
I know you really want to see the Grand Canyon, but unless you're in town for a week it's really not worth it. It's a 4-5 hour drive each way with little in between. If you do decide to go, make sure to stop in historic downtown Flagstaff and visit Flagstaff Brewing Company and Mogollon Brewery (pronounced MO-Gee-on), rival breweries within a block of each other. Flag Brew always makes a good pint and features a single-malt scotch of the month, while Mogollon is known for their incredible Guinness-trumping Imperial Stout. Be sure to be the only kid in Norman/Gainesville/wherever that has a Mogollon t-shirt bearing their slogan "Ale's what cures ya."

The trip to historic Tombstone may also sound appealing, but that's only a good stop on a cross-country trip as that area of Arizona will only seem appealing after driving through Texas for two days. Plus, you'd have to go through Tucson. Yeech. That town knows so little about bowls that the Copper Bowl moved to the Valley and changed its name to Insight. I understand that you want go to the same saloon where Val Kilmer spewed out those amazing one-liners so many years ago, but if you've listened to anything I've said listen to this: don't go.

If you're a healthy guy that's into exercise, hiking camelback mountain is challenging and presents a change of pace from the elliptical machine...ha ha ha. You'll be waaaay too hungover to be working out on this trip.

Gameday
It's finally here! ASU is a school that's known by many visitors for being one of the worst in terms of tailgating scenes, but the lot is only as good as the fans who park there. The Arizona sun is a differnt animal than you're used to, so if you're going all day wear some type of sun protection, even if it is December/January. You should be staying in Tempe, so stock up at Top's Liquor on University Drive, three blocks west of Mill Avenue. they have the best selection in the valley in terms of kegs, wines, and rare beers, and they even rent kegerators. It might be a good idea to go early in the week and reserve something if you're looking for more than the crappy 1/2 trashcan and a bud light half-barrel. If there's one thing Glendale has it's plenty of open land, so on-site parking shouldn't be a problem. Use plastic cups and no one should fuck with you. Remember that it's a desert and just because you're peeing in dirt doesn't mean it's going to soak int the soil, so have plenty of potty spots staked out before you really need to go. Option B is to go styrofoam-cooler style, or have a setup like this. The Insight Bowl fans will have a completely different experience, as they can pre-party at all of their favorite Mill Avenue bars with the luxuries of indoor plumbing and professionally prepared food. East Valley, Holla! If you can't go to the big games, go to Mill. All of the bars there rent big screens and projectors, so you should feel right at home. I watched the 2002 OSU-Miami Fiesta Bowl at Rula Bula and it was a blast.

Have fun and avoid the fuzz, as nobody wants to spend February in Tent City. Take good care of my town and it will assuredly take care of you. No couch burning or car flipping, please. The cops shot tear gas at locals after the Diamondbacks won the World Series in 2001, so don't expect them to think twice about firing at a bunch of out-of-towners causing the slightest bit of ruckus. May you win with class and dignity. Good luck and good game, everybody!


Last second edit: They've caught the Baseline killer! You can make the trip and be safe, too!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, I'm a big fatass, rivalry rants, tailgating

Some special thanks and commendations are in order regarding Saturday's trip to Tucson. Expect a completely different post regarding the actual game within a day or so.

The Goose officially holds the title of the patron saint of less drunk than the rest of us. Thanks for driving, big guy. You truly are a gentlemen.

Tommy did a kegstand... in the back of a moving vehicle. He did a lot more- 20 or so- but that first one was special for its physics/law defying grandeur. Also note that he woke up drunk on Saturday and was still toasted when we hit the road that morning, adding style and difficulty points. That should make up for the last three he attempted when he promptly fell on his face.


The tailgate lot at the intersection of Speedway and Cherry was a good mix of ASU and UA fans, with the latter being surprisingly cordial. The ASU fans were obviously better looking, in greater numbers, better drinkers, cooks and tailgaters, but I was seriously shocked at how nice the kitties were this year. I had more than one civil conversations regarding the game, the rivalry as a whole, and life in general with folks wearing red, and I even posed for a picture with one. I subtly gave the guy the finger in the photo, but that's neither here nor there.

In another instance, one UA chick showed up and was mouthy out of the gate, even stooping so low as to drop the "when was the last time you got laid?" smack. A response of "six hours before my flight" shut her up, but she returned for what appeared to be more when out of nowhere she gave me a hug. She apologized for her earlier actions, wished us a good game, and went back to her lawn chair and cooler. Less than a half-hour later she fell over drunk and was put into the car by her boyfriend who promptly drove her away. We're pretty sure she didn't make it to the game, and we all wished for a camcorder when her face hit asphalt.

We were seated in front of several guys in red/blue face paint for the game all the while hoping we weren't going to be sent to jail for assault, especially after the stories I've heard about Mexican jail. We took our seats and stood early and often with excitement as ASU rattled off big play after big play, and we eventually just stayed up awaiting the standard "down in front" heckle. It never came to my surprise as the painted men simply stood behind us in silence, as 33 rushing yards will do that to a fan. Trust me, I know. Again, cordial UA fans? I don't believe it either and am seriously considering researching the gluttonous consumption of copious amounts of alcohol and its short term effects on hearing. Look for it in the January/February edition of JAMA.

The much maligned and oft picked-on Keno Walter-White is a pretty f'ing cool guy. As we were about to leave our perch above the ASU players' tunnel KWW popped out of nowhere with the Territorial Cup. In a drunken slur I asked to hold it with the certainty that I would be declined but he responded with a "Hell yeah!" Shocked as I was, I reverted to my roots as a hockey player by lifting the silver vessel high, then kissing it. One of the team trainers was cordial enough to get Keno, the cup, and the rest of us in a group photo. Yay us, and shame on the rest of the group for heading to the car.
Tommy managed to evade a small mass of police officers and jump the fence on to the field, and he was able to go all over the place without being too conspicuous. If you review the game film, look for him popping over the shoulder of MVP Ryan Torain during his post-game interview.

The aforementioned Tommy received a hero's welcome when we got back to te tailgate lot. Aparently some folks had been so impressed with his, er, drunkedness that they waited there to say goodbye and good luck. I didn't even bother to ask why.

On the drive home we listened to the radio broadcast of ASU's stunning basketball victory over Iowa. We pulled into Casa Grande for dinner and announced the win to a restaurant filled with gold t-shirts and the place erupted. There may be something building at WFA, now if we can just get some people to go to the games the Sun Devil hoopsters may really get rolling.

I don't have a single complaint about the entire trip. No one got arrested or hurt, which is always a positive. It was a truly stunning day to watch ASU claim it's sixth Territorial Cup in eight years. Thanks to all who to contributed.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, hoops, I miss college, I'm a big fatass, rivalry rants, tailgating, UA morons

Ugh. I just couldn't resist free tickets to last night's Virginia-Carolina game, so a co-worker and I made the drive to Charlottesville to experience the hoopla between two piss-poor teams. I probably don't have any room to talk as ASU sits 0-3 in conference play, but this is the internet and there is no accountability for anyone by rule (law?). Did a little tailgating, got rained on a bit, and watched the Cavaliers make all of those baby blue-wearing fans pine for basketball season just a ittle bit more than they did on Wednesday. A few observations. if you will:

UVa runs out of the tunnel to low-exploding fireworks and 20-foot high shooting flames. I don't know I'd trade them for the AC-DC/bus-stomping intro, but I don't see why we can't do both. They actually happened to play Thunderstruck before a key third down situation when UVa was on defense, and I can't imagine not wanting to run through a wall after hearing the intro to that song. Needless to say, the defense made the stop.

For as much shit as I tend to give to the uppity Cav fans, they were actually pretty good last night. The stadium was mostly full on a rainy Thursday night against an inferior opponent, and a majority of them remained after I graced the exit following a UVa touchdown that made it 23-0 in the fourth quarter. It was obviously a carved-in-stone fact that UNC was not, in any way, going to mount any significant comeback.

Crazy-ass cardinals coach Dennis Green passed the torch to Virginia head coach Al Groh last night after Groh had a Chernobyl-sized meltdown when UVa was called for assisting the runner at the goal line, even after review. My "I have the maturity of a 3rd grader" moment of the game came at this time, because the referee motion for said penalty looks an awful lot like being flagged for ass-grabbing. Tee-hee.



You may have heard that UVa now has a marching band after booting their famed scramble band a couple of years ago, but don't get ahead of yourself. They have a band, yes, complete with snazzy hats and matching uniforms, but they don't march. They walk on to the field and play their half time show in one formation; where I'm from that's just a regular concert sans the chairs. This "show" consisted of an out of synch Electric Slide, but it was preceded by a stunning version of Michael Jackson's Thriller. They unfortunately didn't channel Vincent Price to do the voice over, but the flag girls and the woodwind section did the classic zombie line dance you might remember from the video, not to mention the dance scene in the 1980's blockbuster Teen Wolf.

There were no references made to the time the Cavs beat Florida State (1996) or to how great Tiki Barber was at any point during my evening. If you've ever been to Charlottesville on gameday, this is an incredible rarity.

UVa runs an offense that is almost identical to ASU v20.06. Wrinkles that could be added to Dirk's deleted arsenal could (ought to) include handing the ball off to the H-back on 3rd/4th & short (imagine Zach Miller stretching across the line!) and running the option, something done in Koetter's first two years. Virginia's quarterback Jameel Sewell looks like an immature Dennis Dixon, and I can say with confidence that a quarterback with that physical skillset at ASU would be Vince Young kinds of unstoppable. Al Groh's entire philosophy on offensive football is to run incessantly and control the clock; if he weren't so set in his ways the score could have easily been 77-0.

North Carolina runs a defense that is almost identical to ASU v20.05. Not that they run similar schemes or blitzes, just that they both play that sucktacular matador defense. Ole! You may pass, sir.

All in all it was probably a better time than sitting on the couch watching the NLCS or Grey's Anatomy, and I suppose I'd do it again given the opportunity. We as ASU fans were definitely spoiled by the offensive display put up by our beloved Devils last year, because if I had to watch this crap week in and week out I'd be more of a basketball fan too. This game was a shut out, and a convincing one at that as Carolina never crossed the thirty yard line. Keep in mind the winning squad has lost to two different directional schools in Wesern Michigan and East Carolina. The radio guys were actually bragging after the game about how stellar this UVa team is having shut out two conference oopponents this year, and they weren't even snickering about the fact that the other team was Duke. I had to sit through a Duke game last weekend, and their talent plus $1.98 will get you a forty at the 7-11. I mean that was some weak-ass shit. Speaking of forties, the boss-man is springing for wings and brews at Legend. Tally ho, and more to come tomorrow during another couch-a-thon Saturday. Good luck Sun Devils, although you better not need it against Stanford, a team that might give Duke a game.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, I'm a big fatass, movie references, other sports, regular old crackers, tailgating

Michigan Zone is debuting a cutting-edge way of wasting brain cells by hosting some sort of live radio-type broadcast show thingy on Tuesday. Here's the link as thy can describe it better than I can, but most importantly they are requesting pictures from your tailgates. I'll be sure to take a few at FSU-Duke tomorrow, so I want to see plenty from the Sun Devil fans making the trip to South Central. The last time I went to a game at USC, I did a kegstand in the back of an El Camino in Compton. Beat that, underclassmen. In a more dangerous move than I will ever attempt, a "friend" was stumbling down the sidewalk- lost somewhere near campus, mind you- yelling Ni**a what?!" at the top of his lungs. Thank God I wasn't there, because make a great target for bullets; just ask anyone who's seen me play paintball. For those of you who don't know, they filmed Boyz N The Hood reeeeeaaaally close to USC.

* In other news, there is a 40% chance of thunderstorms tomorrow in LA. Should make for an interesting game, seeing how Rudy Carpenter can't throw anyway. As I said a few days ago, run the wishbone option with Mike Jones under center. Wooo!

* In other earthshattering, groundbreaking news, Dirk Koetter doesn't know how to relate to his players, including lilly-white protege quarterback Rudy Carpenter. Here's Coach K's quote, straight from the East Valley Tribune.

“Rudy has gone through a rough stretch, but the things are all fixable. Some of it is mental, and I’m not an expert on that. We’ve brought in someone who is an expert on that, and hopefully, he can help Rudy and some other people on our team.”

Hear that, Dirk? It's the sound of the clock running out on your tenure as ASU head football coach. Now go out, beat USC, and save your job!!!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, blog links, Dirk's a horse's ass, I'm a big fatass, movie references, regular old crackers, tailgating, thug life

I'll be heading out to Durham tonight to check out the Duke-Florida State game tomorrow with my Nole grad girlfriend and a couple of friends, so I'll be sure to leave you with a swath of snippets and links from the world that is ASU football. I've pretty much exhausted myself breaking down tomorrow's matchup between the Trojans and the Devils, so let's find a bit more to discuss, shall we?

* Unfortunately, I'll be in Texas on Thanksgiving. The good news is that it's only a layover at DFW on the way to Tempe for Turkey Day! I'll be there for famly, friends, and of course this year's turf war between the Sun Devils and Wildcats, already being dubbed "The Dud In The Desert." I tried to purchase tickets through the opponent's website, and this was the message I received:

We're sorry, football is currently down for maintenance.

Please try again next year.

I Guess ol' Mikey hasn't exactly been setting the world on fire down there. I went back today, and apparently they're selling tickets for the University of Wyoming! (here's what their stuff looks like, and note the logo for single game purchases) I don't make this stuff up folks, they just must have a team of monkeys running things down in the old pueblo.

* ASU basketball has it's first official practice tonight under new head coach Herb Sendek, and this season's outlook is so bad that the AZ Republic ran a cover story about a player that won't even play for the Devils this year. Take cover until baseball season, Sun Devil fans.

* Call me crazy, but it sure seemed like Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit were a little buzzed during last night's telecast of the VA Tech-Boston College game. Of course I can't prove that they took a tour of the Samuel Adams brewery just before kickoff, I'm just saying it seems awfully possible. Their banter regarding the apparent fall of Tech and the inefficiency of the replay system sounded like they were having too good of a time by espn standards, of course that may have something to do with ditching College Gameday chaperone and resident coot Lee Corso for the evening. Speaking of that game, it's nice to see those turkeyfuckers go down in flames and even have a flair-up on the sidelines. The wave of recruiting power that was Michael Vick seems to be waning, so hopefully Tech fans will head back for the hills (quite literally).

* My standard espn gripe this week is this "full circle coverage" poppycock. When you have one game on 4 channels that total something like 11 simultaneous angles, I get seizures, plain and simple. Besides, who wants to see that much of Northern Alabama anyway? Of course if they weren't wasting four channels one one game the folks on the left coast would be able to see the great matchup between Michigan and Penn State (not to mention ASU-USC) without buying a satellite package. Regional coverage blows.

* Devil's Digest has two quality in-depth previews of tomorrow's game in LA. I could probably write something that good if I only had seen USC play this year. Please refer to the espn gripe, not to mention the Pac-10's ludicrious loyalty to Fox Sports Net, a channel you can't even get in Richmond.

I guess it's time to do some real work so I can get the fudge out of town. Have a great weekend, and I'll leave you with this: your moment of zen. JoePa's next gig after Penn State- Wal-Mart greeter. Adios!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, hatred for the 4-letter network, hoops, message board nonsense, regular old crackers, rivalry rants, tailgating, UA morons

I realize I didn't recap last week's defensively dominating victory against Colorado. First of all, I'm sorry. It is my blogospheric duty to rep ASU in all arenas(85281, mofo's!), and I have failed- but not as bad as the CU offense. Man, do they suck. Rumor has it the TBS game of the week got a 10-share, a ludicrious TV rating considering that it had to go up against the Bowden Bowl, UF-UT, and USC-Nebraska in the schedule. For those of you who watched more competitive games, the sea of maroon and gold in the northwest corner of Folsom Field was most impressive. I've heard estimates of anywhere between 5,000 and 10,000 Sun Devils in attendance, which is some serious Sparky muscle for a school that is 952 miles away from home.

As for the actual game, things are a bit fuzzy thanks to some tailgating and those shots at breakfast. Quarterback Rudy Carpenter was less than impressive throwing the ball but we're Sun Devils, and we're spoiled. The top two excuses listed are 1) a minor thumb injury (oh God, not another last year) and 2) the wind. I can't speak about Carp's digit, but the wind was mighty enough to bat down every pass I threw in the parking lot, even though I was still making Heapish/Milleresque one-handed catches with a brewsky in my other hand. Games of flip-cup and beer pong were cancelled due to conditions, and it takes nothing short of the breath of God to cancel a drinking game at an ASU party. WR's Mike Jones, Nate Kimbrough, and Chris McGaha were everything advertised; even though nobody had outstanding stats, the ball was spread around really well and they made good catches with minimal (if any) drops. Zach Miller made a great TD catch right in front of the ASU sections that made everyone think NFL draft with a heap (no pun intended) of melancholy. But the running game-oh, the running game- made me a believer. Colorado fans concurred (before the game) that their team's strength was in their run defense- this showed, especially from stud LB Thaddeus Washington, but the 1-2 punch of Keegan Herring and Ryan Torain wore them down. I'll repeat that, as I feel it bears repeating. ASU wore another team down. The backs were running between the tackles, around the ends, and catching passes in the flats and over the middle. Yay! The Devils aren't one dimensional anymore! Speaking of added dimensions...

DEFENSE!!!! D at last, D at last, thank God almighty, we have D at last! I'm giddy with excitement (obviously) as if Terrell Suggs had eleven clones with five years of eligibility apiece. The secondary was winning one-on-one battles against receivers, the linebackers were making plays, everyone was blitzing effectively, and there were a ton of run stopping plays by the d-line that rotated NINE players throughout the night with no noticible drop-off in play. I was really excited before the game to finally see Tranell Morant play along the line for the first time, but defensive coordinator Bill Miller was rotating players so much that I never saw him on the field (photographic evidence proved he played).

It had to be expected for Rudy Carpenter to have a bad game sooner or later. In many years passed, the Devils would have found a way to lose this game considering the poor QB play, but the running game and the D bailed the passing game out for a change. Hopefully Cqrp can learn from his mistakes and rebound with a solid day at Berkeley this Saturday, because we'll need the offense running on all cylinders to comete with Marshawn Lynch and company. Here are a few more unrelated thoughts on last wek's game.

Terry Richardson has pulled his head out of his ass nicely to be a major contributor on special teams, both as a kick and punt returner. He truly is one of the best in the nation.

Mobile quarterbacks haven't proved to be much of a problem for the Devil D. There is definitely improved speed on the ends with a healthy Kyle Caldwell and Dexter Davis, a freshman who is ahead of the learning curve.

Koetter has been using he roll-out in many situations, and I think it fits the personnel ASU has on offense. Carp is definitely mobile enough to add this threat, but I'm specifically talking about the Hell Hogs. Most of them are of the sleek, mobile lineman mold, so pulling lends itself to their collective agility and quikness. I'm still not so sre about being able to run it up the middle on 4th and one, though.

The running back situation seems to have shaken itself out, with Keegan Herring and Ryan Torain getting the bulk of the snaps. I don't think anyone in the ASU camp has any problems with this decision, nor would they if Dmitri Nance and Shaun DeWitty been the go-to guys. The Devils have some serious depth at tailback (finally), and have seemingly recovered from the truckload of injuries/thuggery that plagued the team just a few years ago.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, I'm a big fatass, tailgating

Gotta take care of the personal stuff first. A hundred thanks to Dan for hosting Avalanche FUBAR, a group of six on a conquest of copious amounts of alcohol. Really glad Garrett and Pat could make it, especially since Pat and I now have our own fight song. Drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky FIGHT! Drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky FIGHT! Kudos to Garrett for spending the night with a bachelorette party, f'in slut. Steph and Kim were troopers and should gain sainthood for tolerating the other four of us for the entire weekend. Great to see some old fraternity brothers, including Poop, Kersh, Happy, Papa Smurf, Big E, Sky, Plumber, plus old friend Rummell. You guys rock, and seeing you brought back a swath of great memories. Good to make new friends too, like Dabo and the other Hell Hogs, Denver Devil, and DD emperor Hod. If you've been forgotten, blame the booze. There was a'plenty. I woke up still blacked out on Sunday morning, and don't remember going to the airport. Wheeeee!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, I'm a big fatass, I'm witty, message board nonsense, surrounded by morons, tailgating

Not anyone I know, but I think you get the idea.
After my suggestion about drinking a 40 during the upcoming Fantasy Misfit Draft, there was a unanimous rally cry to play Edward Fortyhands during the draft. While this sounds like a ton of fun, I don't really think I'll be able to live blog with malt liquor duct taped to my hands. Let's try, shall we? I'll type "House of Heat" using a regular 12 ounce beer bottle.

hbhbouse of heewat

While that was exponentially better than I could have hoped, it took an excruciatingly long time and is not up to the standards of you, my two readers. I'll just sit back and swill sherry during the draft, which will now take place this Friday, August 11, at 7:30pm. Hope this doesn't ruin your bridge club.


Speaking of gauntlets, the smell of dust storms, monsoons, and pine trees is in the air. CAMP T, BABY! ASU makes an annual trip up north to the pine forest of Camp Tontozona, located near Payson, AZ. Koetter was pleased with Wednesday's night practice after a sluggish team fought the desert heat and humidity that morning in the first of many two-a-days. This was much better to hear than Tuesday's post practice comments, when Coach K noted that "the effort was there, but the execution was lacking." That's something you say about a retarded kid, for chrissakes. Koetter also noted that having the first two-a-day in Tempe was beneficial because they were able to do a lot more since they have more daylight. Hmmm, I realize Payson is off the beaten path, but I think they've been introduced to the revolution of electricity. If not, hook the scout team up to a treadmill and get those lights on. First day of Camp T has arrived!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, other sports, regular old crackers, tailgating

How is it that the winner of the Pat Tillman Pac-10 defensive player of the year manages to go undrafted and then gets cut before he ever plays a down? Probably because the west coast media knows less about defense that the actual Pac-10 does. Hard to admit, but Oregon's Ngata was probably a better overall player. Dale Robinson was slated by NFL scouts as being too small to play linebacker and too slow to play safety. The Manimal was definitely never short on tenacity, however. He was a junior college transfer that played with a mean streak that Frank Kush Field hasn't seen since Mitchell "Fright Night" Freedman roamed the Sun Devil secondary. Hopefully the similarities end there.

In good news, former ASU wide reciever Derek Hagan just inked a four-year deal with the Dolphins. In even better news however I'm heading off to Portsmouth, Virginia to see Widespread Panic tonight. Woo hoo!

Labels: ASU alumni, other sports, regular old crackers, tailgating, thug life