The House Of Heat

So here we are, the nitty gritty of the finest embarrassments ASU has to offer. Like the hippie olympics, it really doesn't matter who wins since they're all losers. For good measure, let's take roll one last time:

Honorable Mention: Courtney Simpson and Eddie House
#11: Courtney Jackson
#10: Bryson Krueger
#9: Ryan Kealy
#8: Connor Banks
#7: JR Redmond
#6: Hakim Hill
#5: Barry Bonds
#4: UAC student section (basketball, 1984-1988)

And without further adieu, the top criminals in the history of Arizona State University.

Honorable mention part III: the military industrial complex, 2004-present. They murdered Pat Tillman and lied to cover it up. Not much to say since more facts come to light each day. Is a government worth preserving when it lies to it's people?

Somewhat ironic thet they're seen here together.

#3: Mitchell "Fright Night" Freedman, football, 1994-1998. First, watch this. That's how he played all the time. Mean, crazy, and angry. Unfortunately that's also how he lived his life. Freedman is the only player on this list that gets his nickname on the subject line because it fits him so well, as Orson from EDSBS will attest. He once hit a BYU player so hard that both Freedman and the Mormon went to the hosptal after the game, and I have been told by those in attendance that he was screaming while running towards the victim. Where to begin? Well, how about this snippet from the AZ Republic:

Mitchell Dehaven Freedman, 30, a safety who earned the nickname "Fright Night" because of the ferocity of his tackles, was found guilty of 15 counts, including five counts of sexual assault, four counts of sexual abuse, kidnapping, aggravated assault and armed robbery. He could face more than 100 years in prison for the sexual assault charges alone.

And then he still faces trial on two other rape cases, one from 2003 and one that allegedly took place in 1992, when Freedman was 16.

Yikes. What's even scarier is that he wasn't even tried for the rapes that happened when he was a minor "because he was already going away for so long." I...I don't really know what else to say here. It's hard to imagine but his prison sentence may be longer than Loren Wade's after all is said and done.

#2 Stevin Smith, Basketball, 1991-1994. You knew it was coming, and why shouldn't it top the list? Smith, nicknamed "Hedake" by his teammates, orchestrated a point shaving scandal in 1994 that espn will never let die. Isaac Burton shouldn't be getting off lightly either, but Smith seems to be the main guy everyone remembers, probably since he was such an effective player when he wasn't, you know, cheating.

The scandal started when Smith got into cahoots with the now famous campus bookie Benny Silman. Smith was allegedly in debt to him for over $10,000, and the two plotted to beat Oregon State by six or fewer points when the Devils were favored by 14 1/2. It worked and managed to line both of their pockets quite well. The exact same plan was employed two days later against Oregon State, and the Devils once again won by 6.

The final straw was the day of a game against Washington, after Smith and Silman began to gloat about their recent financial successes. The word spread quickly, and heavy betting ensued- so much so, in fact, that the line on the game changed 40 times that day and Vegas oddsmaker Roxy Roxborough pulled the game from the betting board, the first time he had done so in his 15-year career. The FBI was notified, but the investigations didn't take place until 1997, enough time for Smith, Burton, and then head coach Bill Frieder to leave the scene of the crime. The fallout landed squarely on those left to continue ASU men's basketball.

Hedake (misspelled on purpose to fit on the vanity plate of his car) did 10 months in federal prison, but the stink of the scandal still hasn't completely lifted from ASU. His 10 months isn't so bad considering Silman got four years, but Silman also got a tv-movie deal out of it. Whenever ASU basketball is mentioned, point-shaving is typically associated with it. I suppose that's better than "sucks," but still defaming. It is the black eye that will never heal.

#1: Loren Wade, football, 2002-2004. The official site has removed his player bio from their archives, and rightfully so. What kind of a school do we have when players are murdering former teammates, outside of a club no less? The arguement started one night in Scottsdale and was reportedly about a girl. As Brandon Falkner was pulling away, Wade fired a fatal shot into the driver's side window of his car. While this is sickening as a Sun Devil, the societal ills it brings to light are equally alarming. There are no winners here: the Falkner family is burdened with overwhelming grief, ASU has been sued, Koetter was blamed for a lack of control, and Wade will be imprisoned for life. A truly sad moment for anyone involved.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, blog links, hatred for the 4-letter network, hoops, movie references, the offseason sucks, thug life

We're taking a break from admonishing football players today, but it's amazing how many of the names on this list have come from the gridiron. Maybe that huffy, overly academic and damn proud of it econ professor of yours was right about football being barbaric and mind numbing. Screw him. As the great James Caan once said, "when was the last time 80,000 fans showed up to watch a damn chemistry experiment?!" Speaking of old professors, can anyone tell me if Dr. Fuchs is still teaching chemistry at ASU? He's nothing like the fictional prof mentioned above, but he was 100-something years old when I had him in 1998. He's actually a really nice guy who goes to a lot of ASU baseball games- I'll go out on a limb and call him the Frank Kush of chemistry, having received his PhD from Arizona State College in 1936. Sidetracked? Apologies.

The Sun Devil embarrassment list continues, but not before seeing who else is already on it.

Honorable mention: Courtney Simpson and Eddie House
#11: Courtney Jackson
#10: Bryson Krueger
#9: Ryan Kealy
#8: Connor Banks
#7: JR Redmond
#6: Hakim Hill

And away we go...

#5: Barry Bonds, Baseball, 1982-1986. Ahhh, now we're getting somewhere. For every ounce of pride I have when thinking that a Sun Devil will hold the most revered individual record in all of sports, there are five ounces of shame. Bonds' "achievement" (note spooky quotes) will tarnish Hank Aaron, the game of baseball, and eventually the Hall of Fame. One can argue that everyone else in baseball is doing it, but Bonds, along with McGwire, will be at the top of the memory list 50 years from now when folks begin reminiscing about the steroid era.

The tricky part of all of this is that there isn't any real proof. Bonds could be higher on the list if we actually knew he was using steroids, but then again he might not be. Part of what has made this story a circus is all of the mystery that surrounds it, dragging out exhaustive speculation. The only way this thing will ever end is if the truth comes out. Think about it- people still want to know who shot JFK, where Amelia Earhart is, and what happened to the Lindbergh baby. This will stand the test of time as well.

I'm a staunch believer in a man being innocent until proven guilty, but c'mon. Look at these pictures:

These are actually the same person.

Sorry, Barry, I'm not buying what you're selling- unless you get traded to the Cubs. On a side note, the University is apparently ignoring the swirling rumors because the official site has a ton of information on Bonds and the chase for Aaron's record, including a few more (incriminating)pictures from Bonds' ASU days.

#4: Student Section, University Activity Center, 1984-1988. Anybody who has ever read this site knows my passionate hatred for the University of Arizona and everything it represents, but it is possible to go too far. UA shooting guard Steve Kerr's father was murdered in 1984 while he was the president of the American University in Beirut, and Kerr didn't receive the warmest welcome in his first trip back to the hardwood.

There's a lot of conflicting information on the exact timeline of events, but Tucson legend will tell you that two days after the murder Steve cried before a game against ASU in Tempe but took the floor anyway. Rather than a warm reception, he was welcomed by chants of PLO! PLO! PLO!, not to mention other slurs such as Where's your dad? and Go back to Beirut! Kerr responded by dropping 20 first-half points on the Devils in yet another rout of ASU.

Having been to more than my fair share of ASU/UA basketball games, I'm positive that this actually happened, the only conflicts in the story are when it happened. Whle the murder happened in '84, the 20-point first half happened in '88. My personal guess is that the jeering happened all four times Kerr took the floor in Tempe. Not that I condone it or anything, that's just my experience with the locals.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, drugs, movie references, other sports, rivalry rants, the offseason sucks, thug life

The list continues today with the top ten scandals not nearly as bad as the Brandon Faulkner tragedy/Loren Wade embarrassment. Here's what we have so far:

Honorable mention: Courtney Simpson & Eddie House
#11: Courtney Jackson
#10: Bryson Krueger
#9: Ryan Kealy
#8: Connor Banks

...and so on. We're sticking with the gridiron once again today since I can't seem to be able to dig up any dirt on Grace Park or Paul Casey. Away we go!

#7: JR Redmond, football, 1995-1999. I actualy heard this story two days before it broke from a good friend that worked at Sun Devil Stadium. It's a weird one, so stick with me. It was announced on a Friday that Redmond wouldn't play in the following day's matchup against the Oregon Ducks, a game that had serious implications on the Pac-10 race. Redmond's girlfriend worked for the University and, as most relationships go, bought her boyfriend presents, did his laundry, etc. Redmond's draft stock rose throughout his career and he was projcted to go in the late first/early second round of the upcoming NFL Draft.

The girlfriend was well aware of this and threatened to report all of the girlfriendly things she had done (and kept reciepts for) to the NCAA unless Redmond married her without a pre-nuptial agreement. A university employee is prohibited by the NCAA from giving gifts to student-athletes, and the bitch wanted to be legally tied to the millions Redmond was projected to make in the NFL.

The not-so-happy couple went to Las Vegas during the bye week, got a shotgun wedding, and returned to Tempe with dollar signs in her eyes. Redmond finally broke down and told Coach Snyder the gory details, so Snyder suspended him a game just for good measure and he reported everything that happened to the NCAA himself. The wedding was anulled and to my knowledge the bitch didn't get a cent after Redmond went pro. Redmond wasn't able to shake the stink of the scandal by draft day and he eventualy went to the New England Patriots in the third round, where he won a world championship and was an integral part of the game-winning drives of both Super Bowl XXXVI and the "snow bowl" AFC Championship that preceeded it.

This is so high on the list because JR Redmond is one of my all-time favorite Sun Devils and an absolute badass.

#6: Hakim Hill, football, 2001-2003. In a football-serious college town like Iowa City, it's surprising when the home school doesn't recruit a talented, decorated, and successful local athlete but hey, it takes a special person to get banned from a country. Hill was recruited by Dirk Koetter, most likely due to alumni pressure since his father happens to be ASU legend JD Hill. Hill's recruitment was altered due to rape charges he picked up in high school, but that's only the beginning, as his rap sheet is longer than anyone else on this list. Koetter kicked him off the team for punching teammate Matt Miller following a loss to Arizona. A lot of people wanted to punch Miller in the face after dropping a pass on the goal line that sealed the loss, but people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones as Hill himself fumbled on the goal line that awful, awful day, not that I'm bitter or anything.

Hill's problems include multiple DUI's, stealing paintball equipment, bribing cops, fighting cops, the aforementioned charge of raping a 15 year-old in a classroom, along with some drunk and disorderly conduct. He has been booted off the team at both ASU and Northern Iowa, plus Toronto and Saskatchewan of the CFL. Add to that, he has tarnished the image of one of ASU's all-time greats. He was part of one of ASU's deepest backfields since 1996, including the foursome of Hakim Hill, Randy Hill, Cornell Canidate, and- you guessed it- Loren Wade. A year later, those four were arrested, injured, injured, and arrested, so Rudy Burgess converted from WR to fill the void and asserted his badassery at running back.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, drugs, rivalry rants, Rudy Fucking Burgess, the offseason sucks, thug life

No, not the halftime bar upstairs from Julio's Too. You're thinking of Fumbles. Not the skeezy local bar on Tybee Island, either. Today we continue our countdown of ten ASU scandals not quite as bad as the Loren Wade/Brandon Faulkner situation.

Honorable mention part II: Eddie House, basketball, 1995-1999. Best joke on campus in the fall of 1997: Hey, did you know that Eddie House leads the team in steals? He got a CD player, a bike, a car...yada yada yada. House stole a CD player from a freshman girl's Manzanita dorm room, but he doesn't crack the top ten as this was merely an exclamation point at the end of the Bill Frieder era at ASU. More on this later in the week, but Bill Frieder's legacy lived on even after the FBI chased him out.



#9: Ryan Kealy, football, 1996-2000. A guy that will go down as one of the most hated football players in ASU history, Kealy was known on the field for sailing passes, ruptured knee tendons, and a quality of play that actually got worse as time went on. Off the field, he was known to be a drunken moron, a man-whore, and a big fan of the booger sugar. At parties, fellow players were known to make fun of him- not exactly what you want to hear about a team leader. Kealy was pulled over in the middle of the intersection of Rio Salado Parkway and Packard Drive, barefoot, drunk, and hopped up on pain killers from yet another knee surgery. When the cop approached the vehicle and gave the standard line of questioning, Kealy offered this classic quote: "I ain't trippin'. I got a good lawyer. My dad is a big baller. Let's go, let's roll." Kealy planned to apply for a 6th year of eligibility, but the newly hired Dirk Koetter told him not to bother as he wouldn't be allowed on the team.

#8: Connor Banks, football, 2001-2004. In April 2004 Pat Tillman was killed in Afghanistan and was immediately dubbed an American hero for the sacrifices he made to defend his country. Banks wore number 42 at the time, and even though plans had been made to retire Tillman's #42 at season's end, Banks would be allowed to wear it during his senior season and he would also lead the team out of the tunnel before each game while carrying the American flag. Here's the quote from Banks regarding the honor:

"I feel so much pride for what he has done for the community and this nation. For him to give up his football career and go overseas to fight for his country and fight for what he feels is right is a great thing for the nation."

In June 2004, less than two months after the aforementioned incidents, Banks was arrested for DUI, criminal damage, driving across a median, and striking a fixture on the highway. He blew a .27 BAC and was so drunk that he drove his SUV into his Scottsdale apartment building. Banks had a lackluster senior year while wearing jersey number 58.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, the offseason sucks, thug life

With the Loren Wade trial coming at the lowest of low points of college athletics offseason (what's a baseball?), I'll be ignoring the whole negative PR-fest with all of my might. The Arizona Republic will mention Arizona State University twice as many times as the tragically slain Brandon Faulkner, something the school definitely doesn't need given its sketchy record over the last decade or so.

What trial?

What ASU really needs is a Wag The Dog-style distraction of epic proportions to keep this thing buried in the back of the paper. I can't say I'm rooting for a terrorist attack or anything, even though it was effective when my fraternity got kicked off campus thanks to a drunk driver- not that you ever heard about it since it happened during the first week of September 2001.

In the spirit of black eyes for ASU, I've compiled a small list of scandals in the 85281. None of them are as bad as a player killing a former teammate, but it didn't take more than a single sitting to come up with #'s 2-11. We'll do a couple of them at a time, just so you Sun Devil diehards have something to read other than Wade's affiliation with ASU and Dirk Koetter's percieved lack of institutional control. Without further adieu...

Honorable mention: Courtney Simpson. Ex-ASU cheerleader goes porno in dashing style, making her professional debut in her ASU cheer uniform. No reason to beat this dead horse, especially since the M-Zone mentions her at least once a week.



#11: Courtney Jackson, football, 1996-1999. The scapegoat of the 1997 Rose Bowl, sure, but this tale isn't as well known as that debacle. Like the last minute breakdown against Ohio State, however, Jackson had accomplices. In the spring of 1998 a friend of mine, who we'll call Nate, came down with a case of the crabs. He got them from the supreme queen of jizz-jars of Sonora Hall, who claims to have gotten them from Jackson. You would have thought David Boston burned them all off the previous January, but oh no. Not a news story, sure, but still funny. Everyone needs another reason to hate Courtney Jackson. Disagree? Just check out this photo. That's ASU's national championship in Boston's hands.

#10: Bryson Krueger, men's basketball, 2004-2006. This is a lot lower on the list than it probably ought to be, but it stays at ten since absolutely no one gives a hoot about ASU hoops. The upcoming basketball season was looking bright with the firing of Rob Evans and a starting backcourt of Kevin Kruger and Bryson Krueger. Kevin transferred to UNLV and led them to the sweet sixteen, but Bryson's fate was not so sweet. He was arrested last March for possession of Ex, Coke, Zanex, and an unregistered .40-cal handgun. Again, this is a big deal for a hometown athlete who could be considered a standout on a divison-1 basketball team, but it's ASU basketball. In 2005-2006, the Devils could hardly be considered D-1.

The list continues this week with DUI's, theft, and other federal charges. Stay tuned!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, blog links, hoops, movie references, the offseason sucks, thug life

Thank freaking God. It ain't much, but this is all I have after 2+ hours of net surfing.

* The April 14th Spring Game will be held at Sun Devil Stadium at 7:30 pm. It's apparently a day game most years, and I guess he's trying- actually I don't really see the point. Hopefully some folks will make it out to Area 59 for some offseason tailgating, and they'll have plenty of time to get good and lubed for a game guaranteed to have no QB sacks.

* In a cyberspace lynching of Gary Barnett (not that he doesn't deserve it), SMQ makes sure to mention the four parts of ASU history that will never ever die. It isn't much, but seeing anything about ASU football in March is noteworthy.

* Speaking of which, Hakim Hill isn't going quietly into the night, muh'fucka. JD's son was arrested yet again in Scottsdale, even if the charges do sound a little trumped up. Brotha's just trying to get a ride home. If the Fulmer Cup gave alumni points, we Gun Devils would give Miami a run for their money.

* Jake Plummer appears to be retiring.

* Jon Hargis, a defensive line recruit out of high school powerhouse Mesa Mountain View, will be switched to offensive line as Coach Erickson feels that "He has a chance to be a good player."

Eh. I'm reminded of the part in Raw where Eddie Murphy makes an analogy regarding how great sex is if your woman holds out on you fr long stretches of time. I'm paraphrasing from memory here, but doing so fairly well if I say so.

If you're starving, and somebody throws you a cracker, you're going to say 'Goddamn, that the best cracker I ever had in my life! (licking fingers) Was that a Ritz?! That had to be a Ritz!'...But then one day you wake up and say, 'hey, I just got some regular old crackers.'

It looks like regular old crackers for quite some time. Help me NCAA tournament, you're my only hope.

Labels: ASU alumni, blog links, movie references, regular old crackers, the new era, thug life

Recruiting is dirty, dirty, dirty. Like the stuff under your toenails. Like Christina Aguilera's pap smear. Dirrrty. Icky. F'ing gross. The recruiting trail is full of coaches that swell the egos of 18-year olds to grand proportions, pumping up aspects of the school that the coach probably doesn't even really care about, and talking down every aspect of every other school.coach/team out there. Kids commit to one school, get surprise visits along with a slew of text messages, and then dick over their previous school, making everyone involved look really bad. ASU had quite a few of these this year from both sides, more than usual due to the coaching change. You win some and you lose some, I guess.

Yesterday's national letter of intent day yielded 23 signees for the Sun Devils, all of whom can be scrutinized in great deal at the official site. Needs were addressed, and most will say that Coach Erickson did a great job considering that after the JuCo signing period and the recruiting dead period, he only really had about 3 1/2 weeks to put this class together. You can read the transcript of yesterday's presser here, or if you're illiterate or just plain lazy you can listen to it at the link on the same page. Some highlights, if you will:

* 5 offensive linemen were taken in this class. This was the greatest area of need for the Devils going into the 06-07 recruiting year, especially after signing only one Hell Hog last year. This year was supposed to be an exceptional crop of O-line talent, particularly in the state of Arizona, but while ASU was handling the Koetter departure USC and Nebraska managed to swoop in and steal a lot of the Grand Canyon State's talent. While none of the local kids on the board stayed, Garth Gerhart is considered one of the top high school centers in the country and his HS teammate Adam Tello is a more than solid guard/tackle. One of the jewels of the class is Po'u Palelei, an offensive tackle from Las Vegas that is considered top 10 in the country on the line. Matt Hustad won player of the year in Montana, and before you make a joke regarding the low population in the M-T, realize this: he was the state's player of the year as an offensive lineman.

* There were several versatile athletes taken. Most of them are on the defensive side of the ball and will be placed where they fit best once they start playing. Some of the guys that will fit in somewhere are Oliver Aaron and Derrall Anderson from Florida, Jonathan Clark from Texas, and local boys Colin Parker and Jarrell Holman. This addresses immediate needs immediately.

* The D-line depth issue will not be an issue for much longer. Five were signed in last year's class not including the three transfers, and this year Coach E got another five. The most intriguing member of this year is Jonathan "the tank" English, a 6'0" 335 pound DT from River Ridge, Louisiana. I don't know where to go in Tempe for crawfish and gumbo, but wherever it is they need to start stocking up NOW. If there's not a cajun restaurant there, this may be a good business opportunity. Defensive end is one of the hardest to recruit out of high school, and Bo Moos and James Brooks may end up s tight ends if they can't put on the necessary weight. JuCo DE's Eric Tanner and Luis Vazquez are hopefully solid enough to challenge the depth chart immediately, which is not an easy task with Dexter Davis, Trannell Morant, and 6th year senior Loren Howard in front of them.

* This class is incredibly balanced. Eleven on offense, including 2 QB's, 1 RB, 1 TE, 2 WR's, and 5 OL's. There are twelve on defense, including 5 DL's, 4 LB's, 2 CB's, and 1 S. This balance won't show for several years (much like everything else regarding these kids), but having this balance makes for senior-laden teams in the future. It also helps avoid huge holes in the depth charts, like the one we had at DL and CB. Speaking of which...

* ASU only got 2 CB's, but they could both challenge to play right away. The aforementioned
Holman is a JuCo, and the other is Omar Bolden, a highly recruited kid from California. Bolden waited until a last second tv show to announce his committment to the Sun Devils, and he's one of these stud guys who did the stunt with the team hats. Definitely a big last-second addition.


Kinda makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, don't it?

* Two quarterbacks were taken, getting the number of scholarship QB's back up to four following the exodus of Max Hall, Derek Shaw, and 2007 Big 12 Player of the Year Sam Keller. (it's all but his.) The two we got- Chasen Stengel and Samson Szakacsy- are good ones, listed as the #4 and #7 QB's in California by Scout.com. Samson (get out your Half Baked quotes) was thought by many to be rated even higher, but a leg injury early in his senior season limited his playing time. He had verballed to USC but opted for the Sun Devils in the end after a strong recruiting push by Erickson. The recruitment of a third QB forced out Nick Foles, a strong-armed Texas recruit who commited to ASU back in July of last year and was loyal to the school after Koetter's departure. Best of luck to him, wherever he lands. Stangel was not recruited heavily (only other offer was from UTEP) but after a strong senior season many of the big boys are left wondering why they passed on him. By the way, it's supposedly pronounced "Sue-kay-chee."

Yes! Cuban B!







* Fast playmakers at wide receiver are an Erickson specialty, and this year was no different. This is the one area in which ASU was able to defend the recruiting home turf, landing AZ sprint champ TJ Simpson ans uber-pedigree Kerry Taylor, both Arizona high school products. Simpson (we have a Samson and a Simpson!) was the state champ in the 100m, 200m, and 400m, and Scout lists his biggest strengths as "speed" and "downfield threat." If there's one thing ASU's offense lacked this season (sans any Rudy Carpenter consistency jokes) it was a downfield threat, and WR is a position where one can make an immeadiate impact. You may recognize Taylor's name being the son of NFL safety Keith Taylor and nephew of former 49ers WR John Taylor, which you may remember from some clutch catches as the winning touchdown in Super Bowl XXIII. More of that, please. Both guys commited early to Koetter, wavered when he was let go, and recommitted to Erickson. Credit where credit is due to Koetter for getting these guys to stay home.


* A running back was taken, although I'm not sure why. Oh wait, I remember the last time ASU was supposedly super-deep at RB. Where are those guys now? Jail, injured, jail, injured. Jarrell Woods was taken as JuCo transfer, and to paraphrase Coach Erickson he must be good if he's going to come in here and play right away, a nice shout out to Keegan Herring and Ryan Torain.

For more info on the new pledges check out the commit list at Scout.com. As always, hope springs eternal and GO DEVILS.

Labels: dirty icky recruiting, the new era, thug life

Mele Kalikmyballs.

While the Sun Devils played inspired football for most of Sunday night's game against the Hawaii Warriors, Dirk Koetter proved to be too much for the players to overcome as piss-poor halftime adjustments and weak efforts on the field plagued ASU late in the fourth quarter. June Jones and the Hawaii coaching staff must have reminded Colt Brennan that he was passing against the Arizona State secondary, sans an injured Zach Catanese no less, and the junior record-setting QB followed in the steps of Dennis Dixon, Nate Longshore, and too many others by scorching them to the tune of 559 passing yards and 5 touchdowns in Hawaii's 41-24 victory.

5 Good things About Sunday Night's Loss:
1.) Rudy Carpenter played his best game since the 2005 Insight Bowl. You won't see it on the statline, but the lost mojo/swagger of which everyone spoke following the midseason slump was finally back for the Hawaii Bowl, even if it was too little, too late.
2.) Mike Jones! The guys in the booth kept making references to the rapper of the same name, and Jones earned it. He had, by far, his best game as a Sun Devil and looks to lead the receiving corps into the Dennis Erickson era with some promise. This was the player everyone saw in the spring game, and it's about damn time it translated into a real game. He had 5 catches for 72 yards, but many were in clutch situations.
3.) Ryan Torain will be in the backfield for the 2007 Sun Devils. Dude's phenomenal and should be one of the top backs in the Pac next year. He had 160 yards on 18 carries, including a career-long 62-yarder.
4.) There are no 300 pound tailbacks in the Pac-10. Thank God.
5.) Dirk Koetter is gone. Shots anyone?! No more emotionless players. No more folding under pressure. No more punting away any hope of winning games. Throughout most of the game I thought ASU played well and did Dirk proud, but as soon as he quit on them they quit on him. This is twice now that Koetter has pulled this punt crap, and since it is the last time (yeeha!) he gets the horse's ass again.

Even a horse's ass knows when not to punt. At least it didn't get blocked.

Additional kudos for solid play go to Josh Barrett, Travis Goethel, Brandon Smith, and the outgoing seniors.

5 Not So Good Things About Sunday Night's loss:
1.) Tackling, or lack thereof. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Get in front of a guy, wrap his legs, and drive up. It's just that simple. If you think he's going to juke, watch his midsection. It's a tell-tale sign of which way he's going. I learned this in pop warner, it's really not that complicated. ASU's D probably holds Brennan to less than 400 yards passing if the secondary could have dropped guys upon initial contact. I'm not talking about those bruising running backs, either- they are freaks of nature and have to be treated accordingly. Hawaii's wide receivers needed to be brought down, or knocked out of bounds, waaaay earlier than they were.

2.) Keno Walter-White. Sorry buddy, you're back in the shithouse again. I really appreciate the photo op on 11/25 and you seem like a really nice guy, but you were everybody's bitch on Sunday. You were much like a port-o-potty: you got used, and often times shit on, everywhere you went. One of Hawaii's receivers had 308 receiving yards, and even though I haven't reviewed the game film I'd be willing to bet that he was your man to cover most of the time.

3.) Justin Tryon letting the guy go. After Dirk punted the game away it really didn't make much difference, but you can't get called out on national tv by a neutral observer for a lack of effort. Coach Erickson was probably watching (from a bar?) the telecast and you are in his doghouse before having never met the man. You have been the team's top corner all year, but you will now have to rebuild your reputation with many. I't a long offseason with nothing else to do, so you can expect this incident to be abuzz all year.

4.) Terry Richardson and Jamaal Lewis didn't make the trip to Hawaii. There wasn't a big deal made about it, leading me to believe that it was for disciplinary reasons. These talented individuals have been marred by off-field problems all season, and it must be a sad day for them. Their collegiate careers ended without spectacle or pomp; these are two men who should be worried about where they are being drafted, not if they are. It's sad to see such a waste of God-given talent, both for the team and for the individuals involved.

5.) Zach Miller is as good as gone. Erickson will have to do some major selling, but I think that there is little left for Miller to prove. His receiving numbers are down this season due to Carpenter's poor play coupled with the emergence of the running game, and a new offense will 1) be complicated to install and 2) more than likely feature tight end passes less frequently. Miller still awaits his junior NFL scouting evaluation, but many feel he is a legitimate first round pick based on his blocking and receiving skills. We'll miss you Zach, and thanks for staying home and being a Devil when you could have gone anywhere out of high school.

Additional thumbs down go to Kyle Caldwell's graduation, Zach Catanese's injury, and Jonathan Johnson's shanked punts.

Labels: Dirk's a horse's ass, I'm witty, surrounded by morons, thug life

It's been awhile, but real life shouldn't be too much of a burden for the rest of the week. It's not like a ton has happened in the last ten days anyway. I'm already in offseason mode as far as football season goes, and ASU basketball doesn't exactly do it for me... yet. Congrats to the hoopsters on beating Colgate and holding them to 34 points. Best headline of the day goes to Garrett Cleverly of Devils Digest with "Devils send Raiders Down The Plank." Yarrr. I'd also like to add a joke about Colgate's point total and U of A's rushing yard total on November 25th, but I'm a bit rusty.

In other news, hooray for science! Please God, make that pill available over the counter. I bet it fucks you up proper!

And hooray for alcohol! Everything goes downhill after a .23, but I think we all knew that anyway, just ask former Devil linebacker/defensive lineman Connor Banks. Dude had a .27 and drove an SUV into an apartment building. Thank goodness the evil Koetter empire is gone and Dennis Erickson has arrived, bring a new form of discipline to the Sun Devils.

ETA in hell: about nine months. (HT: EDSBS)

The Arizona Republic is reporting the imminent hiring of yet another Erickson cronie as defensive coordinator, and I'm still not sure why Bill Miller wasn't considered. DE said in a press conference that he wants to run a 4-3 base scheme and blitz a lot, and how is that not Miller? With a year of Miller's system under their belts, a similar unit went (statistically) from 113th nationally to 2nd in the Pac-10 in one year. Had our offense held up just a little bit this year we might have actually beaten a bowl-bound team other than Nevada.

Corners coach Al Simmons and D-line coach Grady Stretz will be retained on the staff, but they will probably be the only two. Simmons was on the rebuilding staff at Oregon State with DE, and I assume Stretz was kept based on the vast improvement of the D-line since his arrival. Many Sun Devil fans are pleading for legendary Arizona high school coach John Wrenn to be kept on staff but realize that his outlook is bleak. Wrenn coached Chandler"s Hamilton Huskies to several state titles and produced many D-1 players, most notably recently named Pro-Bowler Terrell Suggs. He is seen as a valuable local recruiting commodity and a guy that motivates and fires up the team. He'll be missed for sure, especially the way the running backs (his unit) played this year, but where does he go? Can he return to Hamilton with open arms, or does he have to go fishing for another gig? My condolences coach Wrenn, hope you land on your feet.

I hate to blow my offseason load in the first week, but I can't stand to not share such a morsel of fun during this season of giving. Here it is, just for you: the Phat Phree presents the 11 most bangable cartoon chicks ever. Enjoy!

Labels: ASU alumni, blog links, hoops, regular old crackers, rivalry rants, surrounded by morons, thug life

...and it's onward to victory!

Labels: Dirk's a horse's ass, surrounded by morons, the new era, thug life

It was Cal State-San Bernadino, but it was a win. Soak it up, since the over-under on W's this season is around ten. Who knew that the son of NBA announcer Steve "Snapper" Jones was on the ASU basketball team? Not me, until he went 4-5 from three-point range in Wednesday's Sun Devil victory. Let's go burn some couches! Wooooo!



* Terry Richardson is emulating Coach Koetter more and more each day. He was probable yesterday, now he's back to doubtful after complaining about pain in the knee that suffered a torn MCL several weeks ago. Sit out against the Bruins, I really don't care. I think there were too many WR's in the reglar rotation before all of the injuries struck, causing some of the inconsistencies that have plagued the Sun Devil passing attack this year. I want TR returning kicks in Tucson next weekend, above all else. I hate to see a kid miss his senior day, but there will be plenty of GOLD at Arizona Stadium on 11/25.

Yeah, that was fun. Let's do that again.

Labels: hoops, regular old crackers, rivalry rants, thug life

On the road, no less.

Here's a link since I'm sure the picture will suck.

I'm not really all that interested in how the Devils play this Saturday against Washington State. The following week's matchup against UCLA doesn't really entice me all that much either. There is only one goal left for the 2006 ASU football season, and it has nothing to do with a bowl. Defeat UA in Tucson. Nothing more, nothing less.

In good news, Rudy Fucking Burgess may be moved back to wide receiver after injuries to Nate Kimbrough and Mike Jones occurred on Saturday, not to mention ANOTHER suspension of flanker Jamaal Lewis. All of a sudden ASU is thinner at WR than they are at corner. Please do not search the tHOH archives to see how stupid predictions of this unit were.

Labels: Dirk's a horse's ass, message board nonsense, rivalry rants, Rudy Fucking Burgess, thug life, UA morons

While much has been made of ASU defensive back Jeremy Payton's game against his Beaver brother today, this is absolutely priceless.

JUDGE JUDY Spoiler Alert!!!
Wait for the television show to hear about the Judge Judy ruling on the case that involved OSU football players Adam Speer and Bryan Payton if you like.

But why wait if you don't have to wait?

Speer was awarded $1,500 in damages from civilian/student Ben Arends, who allegedly punched dents into Speer’s car. It was ruled that Payton, who assaulted Arends after witnessing the vehicle being damaged, had no right to hit Arends and must help pay his medical bills.

-by John Cazano, an OregonLive! Blogger

Dude was on Judge Judy and NOBODY in Tempe knew about it. I looked long and hard on YouTube for a clip but to no avail. You know, maybe I shouldn't talk smack considering ASU's sketchy legal history.

Go Devils!! Lick the Beavers!

Labels: blog links, Pac-10 business, thug life

Now rip off their heads and shit down their necks!
This weekend's matchup in Seattle between the Sun Devils and the Huskies appears to be a must-win for both teams. U-Dub is no longer the pushover they have been since slick Rick Neuheisel left town several years ago, and ASU will have their hands full. Most of the rest of us figured all hope for the Huskies was lost when starting senior quarterback and athletic freak Isiah Stanback was injured and deemed unavailable for the remainder of the year, but young gun Carl Bonnell stepped in to his place admirably to give a serious challenge to Cal last week, barely falling in overtime. Remember the Bears? Yeah, I think they just scored against ASU again. While his poise was admirable, remember that Bonnell threw 5 interceptions, including the forced pass that was returned for the game-winning TD in overtime. Heads up, Devil D.

Rudy Carpenter had probably his most efficient game as a Sun Devil last week, even if it was against Stanford. He completed 14 of 15 passes, and surely could have done more had the need arisen. Nitpickers wll attest that he missed (as in never saw) many an open receiver downfield that could have been completed for big gains, particularly when he tucked the ball and scrambled. Carp and Dirk are both towing the company line when being grilled by the media. The first quote comes from Koetter during a Monday presser after being asked about opening up the offense:

“This isn’t last year. We just have a different make up of our team right now. I have always been comfortable opening up the offense, but I also think that we have to be smart. Opening our offense can also lead to turnovers and the best thing we did (against Stanford) is not turn the ball over."

Wow, our coach has really regressed this season. He used to be regarded as an arrogant, righteous prick, and now he's a backpedaling softie: first the QB flip-flop thing, and now he's afraid to throw the ball. He's making the most critical error in competitive sports, which is playing not to lose rather than playing to win. This does not bode well for the rest of the season or Koetter's job security. Carpenter echoed his sentiments, and for some reason I feel a lot better when he says it.

"...if I miss some open guys I miss some open guys. I’m going to try to make sure every play is a positive play and we're not losing yards and sometimes I make it up so quick by running it and it’s been effective, so I’m going to keep on doing it.”

Works for me. The fact is, however, that this year's squad is now a running team that will only go as far as Ryan Torain can carry the rest of them. Unfortunately the receivers haven't been all that up to snuff, which has probably caused Carp some undue flack from hacks like me (don't forget this one, too) over the past few weeks. Not saying he was innocent by any stretch of the imagination, but Rudy B's injuries, Jamaal Lewis' suspension/ineffectiveness, Terry Richardson's sucktacular year, and the youthful/inexperienced play of Mike Jones, Nate Kimbrough, and Chris McGaha haven't helped Carpenter's play or confidence. Carp can't put the ball on the spot if the spot isn't where it' supposed to be.

In the good news department, the defense really has been holding their own since having their doors blown off by Oregon. The bye week did just as it was supposed to, which was to renew the legs and refresh the spirit of the players. This was obviously the case after giving up 21 to USC (remember that the other 7 were T-Rich's fault) and holding the Cardinal to 3. I know it was Stanford, but NAU scored 14 in our house. Zach Catanese will not miss any playing time after suffering a mild concussion against Stanford, and he will be counted on to fly around and knock the bejeezus out of any U-Dub ball carriers. With the exception of the Cal-Oregon hiccup, the overall defense really has been improving each week, which is all one can ask from such a young group. They have a chance to make a statement this Saturday in the Devils' first road trip to Seattle since 1999, and should be up to the challenge.

Labels: Dirk's a horse's ass, I'm witty, thug life

Receivers are getting publicly called out left and right! The Trib cited Sun Devil quarterback Rudy Carpenter as delivering the following tongue lashing:

"That's the thing that's been really frustrating for me and for the offense so far," he said. "In the USC game, I think Jamaal Lewis and Terry Richardson and Rudy Burgess combined for zero catches. Those are our best players. Those three guys, in my opinion, are our best players on offense besides Zach Miller."We're not getting a whole lot out of them right now. I don't know whether that's because I'm not getting them the ball, (but) they just haven't been on the field that much. They've got to start preparing better in practice. They've got to start doing the little things right or else they're not going to get their opportunity on the field on Saturday."

It didn't seem that bad when I first read it without someone else's spin, but when it falls beneath the headline "Carpenter calls out lackluster receivers" it tends to draw attention. The worst part is that this piece was not written by some hack wildcat. Kyle Odegard has been writing for ASU's award-winning State Press newspaper for years and it's always been quality text without any sensationalism, unlike the digital rag you're currently reading that is laced with typos and overexaggerated opinions.

As if that wasn't enough, the AZ Republic had this snippet on the front page of the ASU sports section (nothing could possibly trump the Cards' epic meltdown) in which Coach Koetter places some blame/responsibility on the broad shoulders of WR Jamaal Lewis. A few highlights for those too lazy to click the link...

"Any player, you're either part of the problem or you're part of the solution," Koetter said Monday during his weekly news conference. "Jamaal has just been inconsistent so far."

Way to sugar coat it at the end, uncle Dirk. I'm sure the lovely gift basket is on the way from his parents as we speak.

Lewis and fellow receiver Terry Richardson figured to be among quarterback Rudy Carpenter's favorite targets in a passing game that had been projected to be among the best in the Pac-10. So far, however, they only have been targets for questions about what has gone wrong.

BUH-ZING, Frauenheim!

These quotes will undoubtedly worm their way into the locker room and possibly on to the field of play, but it's a double-edged sword. On one hand, the receivers in question will accept the challenge, answer the scratch, and excel on the playing field. The flipside to this crazy coin is that it could completely backfire with a sort of fuck you, dad! mentality, further splitting the locker room in the wake of the Kellerpenter snafu. It was risky by Dirk, almost as risky as a hail mary on 4th and 22. Come to think of it, I'm shocked Koetter even tried it. On that note, here's a fitting fark by Hell Hog member RedSox85, whose real name escaped me in a drunken fog.

Labels: Dirk's a horse's ass, surrounded by morons, thug life

As put off as I was regarding the late-game punting issue, I'm not really that broken up about last Saturday's loss to USC. In fact, I'm actually filled with a renewed sense of hope for 2006. This may be because I didn't see the first quarter, but the Sun Devils actually seemed to play with a sense of pride. The schedule certainly gets easier from here on out, and while I'm not making any guarantees yet, there really isn't any reason this ASU team can't- wait for it------- run the table for the remainder of the season. Much has been made of the 1995 ASU team turning a mental corner under incompetent boob/head coach Bruce Snyder, when something clicked and the guys simply "got it." Here are some of the things I've read and observed in the last week or so that have given me this new found faith in this year's team.

Rudy Carpenter is having fun again. He faced a good/great defense in the Coliseum, and rather than crumple in the face of a pass rush he shucked and jived defenders and even took off running, gaining 38 rushing yards on one play. In a Monday press conference, Dirk Koetter commented how Carp's on-field body language has changed since the Oregon loss and admitted that his lackluster stats had more to do with play calling than performance. Carp did, after all, complete over 50 pecent of his passes, and this week that didn't count interceptions. In addition to working with the receivers after practice, he's also allegedly been "talking to the team," and I suppose you can infer that the sophomore is taking a leadership role. I don't think it would be mentioned in the media if he was just up there telling dick and fart jokes.

The young linebackers are beginning to come around. They were managing gaps against the run and covering well in pass protection situations, even though USC ran a lot of two tight end sets. I don't think anyone expected these guys to set the world on fire upon arrival, but Munns, Goethel, and Nixon were all major contributors on Saturday. In fact, I didn't see anyone who looked lost all night. This is refreshing in the wake of Derron Ware's disappearance and Robert James' overall ineffectiveness.

The defense played better overall. With the exception of USC's first and last drives, the defense played lights out all night. Even though there is youth in the Trojan backfield, it was still USC at the Coliseum. The Devil D looked focused, aware, cohesive, and they were attacking, something that can't be said for any game this year or last. It's good to see turnovers forced, not to mention the offense's newfound ability to capitalize on them. Ryan McFoy is definitely a player and he should slide into Catanese's spot next year wih a smooth transition.

Practices have been better. They've been closed to the media since the Oregon game, but dedicated writers listening from the other side of the fence have noted more cheering and an overall better attitude from the players. Koetter has noted that the hitting in practice has been the hardest it's been all year, and that was probably a major factor in the D's improved performance against the Trojans. As mentioned above, Carpenter has been working on his timing with the receivers after practice, something indicitave of dedicaion and a desire to get better.

Keno Walter-White made me eat my words with his pick-for-six in the USC game. I have to admit that he was a big part of the defensive success on Saturday, and almost played well enough to make me forget about that offsides call on the final USC scoring drive. Rome wasn't built in a day, so I guess I'll just accept this as marked improvement. An extra kudos to Justin Tryon, who has done a solid job since his arrival from junior college. Way to not get posterized by Dwayne Jarrett, JT. I'm still a fan, even if everyone in Berkeley thinks you're a cheap shot artist.

The upcoming schedule. How 'bout this little article right here? Stanford is first, and they might be the worst BCS conference team in America right now, especially without Trent Edwards at QB. They could be bad enough to restore enough ASU mojo to start throwing deep again. Outside of the rivalry game, home matchups against UCLA and Washington State are probably the toughest challenges left on the slate.

By the way, I'm not the only one who feels this way. Be sure to read this and this to get your hopes up. Buck up lil' campers, good times are around the bend. By the way, the aforementioned 1995 ASU squad won five of their last six games after losing to Nebraska 77-28. I think it's rather well documented what happened the following year, as a young defensive corps and a young quarterback matured...

Labels: ASU alumni, blog links, Dirk's a horse's ass, surrounded by morons, thug life

When things are going bad, there's always someone else who is worse off than you. Below is a chronicle of one of my favorite college football teams, The Oklahoma Sooners.

While the Oklahoma Sooners had a magnificent run in 2000 en route to their seventh National Championship, it has apparently cost them dearly. They were one of a handful of national media darlings heading into the 2006 campaign, but the dark cloud of karma came sweeping across the plains and has been circling over Norman ever since, much like the Bosworth/Hollieway antics that left the Oklahoma program in a deep dark hole known as the 1990's.

With a healthy Adrian Peterson being added to a Sooner team that grew and gelled during the second half of the 2005 season, many placed Oklahoma atop their preseason polls. Before the Sooner Schooner ever reached Owen Field however, the powerhouse program was Bomar'd. Starting quarterback Rhett Bomar was found to be taking money from boosters in exchange for doing anything but work and was swiftly booted from the team by head coach Bob Stoops, a move that cut off the hand but seemingly saved the body of the program. Even without Bomar under center, there was still optimism, as long as the Sooner bandwagon was being pulled by Adrian Peterson.

With Paul Thompson at quarterback, the OU offense looked less than impressive in their opening contests but still managed victories over Alabama-Birmingham and the Washington Huskies (who have rebounded to be a fair opponent for many this season). Heads were returning to their proper posture in Norman, but then the team traveled to Autzen Stadium to face Oregon. In a theft not seen since The Thomas Crown Affair, victory is heisted from the Sooners by a Pac-10 officiating crew in a Pac-10 stadium on national television. The Pac-10 Conference later apologized for the blatant "mistakes" and suspended the criminal elements for one game apiece for their particiation in this snafu.



After taking out their frustrations on Middle Tennessee State, the Sooners returned to playing college football by traveling to Dallas to face archrival Texas in the annual Red River Shootout. OU got virtually no breaks and weren't able to keep the game interesting in the second half, as the game was never as close as the 28-10 final score might indicate. If this doesn't seem like bad karma to you, you've never lived in Oklahoma during football season.

The Crimson and Cream hosted Iowa State and beat them soundly with Adrian Peterson's father in attendance for the first time in his son's outstanding collegiate career. In a seemingly meaningless play, Peterson scampered 60-some yards and dove into the end zone for a pile-on score, but landed in the paint awkwardly. X-rays later showed that the Heisman hopeful broke his collarbone and will not return to the football field this season.

I'm sorry to bore many of you, but what can possibly happen next for OU? Just trying to put into perspective that things really could be worse in Sun Devil land and I can only make so many U of A jokes, especially after they actually win a football game.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, Pac-10 business, thug life

Michigan Zone is debuting a cutting-edge way of wasting brain cells by hosting some sort of live radio-type broadcast show thingy on Tuesday. Here's the link as thy can describe it better than I can, but most importantly they are requesting pictures from your tailgates. I'll be sure to take a few at FSU-Duke tomorrow, so I want to see plenty from the Sun Devil fans making the trip to South Central. The last time I went to a game at USC, I did a kegstand in the back of an El Camino in Compton. Beat that, underclassmen. In a more dangerous move than I will ever attempt, a "friend" was stumbling down the sidewalk- lost somewhere near campus, mind you- yelling Ni**a what?!" at the top of his lungs. Thank God I wasn't there, because make a great target for bullets; just ask anyone who's seen me play paintball. For those of you who don't know, they filmed Boyz N The Hood reeeeeaaaally close to USC.

* In other news, there is a 40% chance of thunderstorms tomorrow in LA. Should make for an interesting game, seeing how Rudy Carpenter can't throw anyway. As I said a few days ago, run the wishbone option with Mike Jones under center. Wooo!

* In other earthshattering, groundbreaking news, Dirk Koetter doesn't know how to relate to his players, including lilly-white protege quarterback Rudy Carpenter. Here's Coach K's quote, straight from the East Valley Tribune.

“Rudy has gone through a rough stretch, but the things are all fixable. Some of it is mental, and I’m not an expert on that. We’ve brought in someone who is an expert on that, and hopefully, he can help Rudy and some other people on our team.”

Hear that, Dirk? It's the sound of the clock running out on your tenure as ASU head football coach. Now go out, beat USC, and save your job!!!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, blog links, Dirk's a horse's ass, I'm a big fatass, movie references, regular old crackers, tailgating, thug life

The following is an excerpt from the Dean's Brief at the Florida State University School of Business.

“Finally, I am pleased to announce that Mark Scott has signed a Letter of Intent to create the Bowden Center for Ethics in Leadership , within the College of Business at Florida State University. This center will train, educate, and motivate students, teachers, and business and community leaders in ethically based leadership skills, including Bobby Bowden’s leadership principles. The Center will serve as the leadership training hub, working in a collaborative fashion with other schools within the University. The activities of the Bowden Center for Ethics in Leadership will serve to enhance the teaching, research, and service components of the College of Business as well as other schools at FSU. You will be hearing more about this Center in the upcoming months.”

Hmmm. Ethics and leadership are two oft thrown words, but they haven't been used in Tallahassee for quite awhile. AJ Nicholson's B&E charge is chronologically at the bottom, and who could forget the Ol' Ball Coach's famous quote about "Free Shoes University"? If you don't read the Tampa Tribune, I'm sure you saw the Sports Illustrated cover article about it in the mid 90's. As far as leadership goes, ask any Nole fan that hasn't been in a coma since 2000 about the leadership of bringing in a California pretty boy to run the nepotism offense to a grinding halt. Most leaders want the best people in important positions like offensive coordinator and quarterback, but Bowden has kept the runt of his litter at the O-helm for far too long. As for Rix, well, ask any FSU fan of that era, including Anquan Boldin, who rumoredly dropped passes from Rix on purpose. Apologies for this paragraph. This is the pot calling the kettle black waaaaaay too soon.

Anyway, it seems FSU is following Alabama in the effort to name everything on campus after a successful football coach. Don't believe it? Crack open a cold one, go to this link, browse around, and drink every time you read Bear Bryant. See you sometime next week.

Labels: regular old crackers, surrounded by morons, thug life

Here's a rundown of Friday night's draft.

CShelton took the U of Miami with the first overall pick, who could very well win the whole thing by themselves. His pro teams are average at best with the Phillies, Eagles, and world champion Heat. Who knows, maybe there will be an interleague brawl on Broad Street. He really wowed the room with his free agents and celebrities with Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Randy Moss, Michael Jackson, along with his underdog Danny Bonaduce, whose status of "celebrity" is under review.

Michael took THE Ohio State University, who has a ton of alumni potential. He has Nick Nolte and he's the first one on the score board with The Tuna "could explode at any moment" based on the T.O. situation. Michael also has Tony Stewart, proving his incompetence by thinking that Nascar is a sport.

Newspaper Hack was stuck in a crisis situation at the office, so the other GM's collaborated and Gave him the U of Tennessee (which he loves as a Bama fan), The New Orleans Saints, Oakland A's, and Portland Trail BLAZERS. His free agents and celebs look good with the exception of Jim McMahon, who hasn't been seen since a brief stint with the Arizona Cardinals, aka the place where average quarterbacks go to die. The stormin mormon is complimented by date raper Sebastian Janikowski, time bomb Ruben Patterson, .Robert Downey, Jr, and the due-to-be-shot-again-anyday-now Fitty Cent.

Scotty has Florida State, the Dallas Cowboys, Florida Marlins (lots of heat, humidity and losing), and the Milwaukee Bucks just to piss off Steve. Free agents include Charles Woodson and two alumni of the U- Sean Taylor and Jeremy Shockey. He has great celebrities with "I only drink on days that end in Y" Tara Reid and professional fuck-up/baby daddy Kevin Federline.

I'll be the first to admit that my team kind of sucks. I went with Auburn, whose illeracy rate ought to get me something, and I have the NY Knicks, homer pick Chicago Cubs, and the Atlanta Falcons, who I probably took because they were on TV during the draft. Of course, ATL means "above the law." My celebrities are both total whackos and could go Margot Kidder at any moment- Whitney Houston and Gary Busey. My free agents are Marcus Vick, Willis McGahee, and former Devil Hakim Hill (I had to have at least one). Hey, you never know.

Wheels stunned the room by taking the University of Georgia; we're still not sure why. He also has the LA Lakers, world champ Chicago White Sox, and Miami Dolphins. If he's to stay competitive he'll need celeb/free agent help, but he has some good ones with Ron Artest, Jermaine O'neal, Kellen Winslow Jr., preggo Britney Spears, and porno affacionado Charlie Sheen.

Angry Wisconsinite Steve has the teams that he hates- the U of Michigan, Chicago Bulls, Chicago Bears, and NY Yankees. He has Nicole Ritchie and a toal lock with Lindsey Lohan. His athletes are Allen Iverson, non-athlete Kurt Busch, and one of the biggest surprises of the night in Isiah Thomas. Maybe he'll assault a member of the media.

Alex has hella-thuggish Virginia Tech, the Detroit Lions, roid abusing San Francisco Giants, and the Sacramento Kings. He's pretty smart and did a surprising amount of research (he had a full page of notes), so I'l have to trust his judgement on Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and David Hasselhoff, but I'd say he's in good shape with Bobby Brown, John Daly, and scary as hell Mike Tyson.

Maggie got stuck at work and missed the whole thing, so we punished her by putting her at the end of the draft order and giving her LPGA jail bait Michelle Wie. Other than that, she somehow has the best overall team with the Florida Gators, Detroit Pistons, Cincinnati Bengals, New York Mets, Rasheed Wallace, Jerry Porter, Colin Ferrell and Russell Crowe. We were waaaay too nice.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, other sports, regular old crackers, thug life