The House Of Heat

Here's a rundown of Friday night's draft.

CShelton took the U of Miami with the first overall pick, who could very well win the whole thing by themselves. His pro teams are average at best with the Phillies, Eagles, and world champion Heat. Who knows, maybe there will be an interleague brawl on Broad Street. He really wowed the room with his free agents and celebrities with Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Randy Moss, Michael Jackson, along with his underdog Danny Bonaduce, whose status of "celebrity" is under review.

Michael took THE Ohio State University, who has a ton of alumni potential. He has Nick Nolte and he's the first one on the score board with The Tuna "could explode at any moment" based on the T.O. situation. Michael also has Tony Stewart, proving his incompetence by thinking that Nascar is a sport.

Newspaper Hack was stuck in a crisis situation at the office, so the other GM's collaborated and Gave him the U of Tennessee (which he loves as a Bama fan), The New Orleans Saints, Oakland A's, and Portland Trail BLAZERS. His free agents and celebs look good with the exception of Jim McMahon, who hasn't been seen since a brief stint with the Arizona Cardinals, aka the place where average quarterbacks go to die. The stormin mormon is complimented by date raper Sebastian Janikowski, time bomb Ruben Patterson, .Robert Downey, Jr, and the due-to-be-shot-again-anyday-now Fitty Cent.

Scotty has Florida State, the Dallas Cowboys, Florida Marlins (lots of heat, humidity and losing), and the Milwaukee Bucks just to piss off Steve. Free agents include Charles Woodson and two alumni of the U- Sean Taylor and Jeremy Shockey. He has great celebrities with "I only drink on days that end in Y" Tara Reid and professional fuck-up/baby daddy Kevin Federline.

I'll be the first to admit that my team kind of sucks. I went with Auburn, whose illeracy rate ought to get me something, and I have the NY Knicks, homer pick Chicago Cubs, and the Atlanta Falcons, who I probably took because they were on TV during the draft. Of course, ATL means "above the law." My celebrities are both total whackos and could go Margot Kidder at any moment- Whitney Houston and Gary Busey. My free agents are Marcus Vick, Willis McGahee, and former Devil Hakim Hill (I had to have at least one). Hey, you never know.

Wheels stunned the room by taking the University of Georgia; we're still not sure why. He also has the LA Lakers, world champ Chicago White Sox, and Miami Dolphins. If he's to stay competitive he'll need celeb/free agent help, but he has some good ones with Ron Artest, Jermaine O'neal, Kellen Winslow Jr., preggo Britney Spears, and porno affacionado Charlie Sheen.

Angry Wisconsinite Steve has the teams that he hates- the U of Michigan, Chicago Bulls, Chicago Bears, and NY Yankees. He has Nicole Ritchie and a toal lock with Lindsey Lohan. His athletes are Allen Iverson, non-athlete Kurt Busch, and one of the biggest surprises of the night in Isiah Thomas. Maybe he'll assault a member of the media.

Alex has hella-thuggish Virginia Tech, the Detroit Lions, roid abusing San Francisco Giants, and the Sacramento Kings. He's pretty smart and did a surprising amount of research (he had a full page of notes), so I'l have to trust his judgement on Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and David Hasselhoff, but I'd say he's in good shape with Bobby Brown, John Daly, and scary as hell Mike Tyson.

Maggie got stuck at work and missed the whole thing, so we punished her by putting her at the end of the draft order and giving her LPGA jail bait Michelle Wie. Other than that, she somehow has the best overall team with the Florida Gators, Detroit Pistons, Cincinnati Bengals, New York Mets, Rasheed Wallace, Jerry Porter, Colin Ferrell and Russell Crowe. We were waaaay too nice.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, other sports, regular old crackers, thug life