The House Of Heat

They were the best of times, they were... I think they were the best, hell if I remember. Today marks move-in day at ASU, the first day the dorms are open for thousands of wide-eyed, hormone-filled 18 year-olds. It's important for these n00bs to get socially acclimated and to network, because ASU is a big place and it's easy to get lost in the fold. (a VTech joke is tempting, but not now)

During my beer bong-filled days in Tempe, our fraternity set the standard for these bashes, commonly called pre-school parties. The prefix "pre" indicating that it happened before school started, not that we dressed in diapers and drank out of sippy-cups, you sick fuck. (can't wait to see what pervs google brings to this site now) On move-in day, our brotherhood "volunteered" our services to help these poor young folks move their crap into their state-issued cells, and as an additional service to them we extended a warm welcome into our home, but only after their parents left.

We then proceeded to Osco, the best stop for wicked-cheap domestic beer. Of all the rules we broke, the only one we always managed to follow was the no-keg rule. Still baffles me. Osco usually had one of the lowest rung beers absurdly cheap- Red Dog, Icehouse, Keystone Light, Milwaukee's Best. Multiple brothers with pickup trucks and SUV's caravanned around town to several Osco's, buying their entire stock of whatever was on special. We always skipped Jerry's Drive-Thru because no matter how much beer we got ahead of time, we always had to make another run around 11 pm and that was the closest stop.

We would unload everything back at the house into our galvanized horse trough and crank the stereo. Kids would start flowing through the door in no time flat, and if the numbers weren't good enough we'd go dormstorming. The Manzy smoke circle was usually a good place to find kids looking to get fucked up, and several of those kids became fraternity brothers. The cops usually showed up at 2 am to break the thing up, but by then over 1,000 people (no shit) had come and gone and we were out of free beer anyway.

These parties were home to some of the most outlandish things I've ever seen, and I've been to Bonaroo. Naked girls dancing on tables, two-story beer bongs, fistfights, crowdsurfing, and a close friend of mine had sex with three chicks at the same time (didn't even have a million dollars). If anyone reading this came and had a good time, you're welcome. I hope you got laid. We would clean up the empty cups and cans with a pushbroom and drink our private stashes of booze until dawn.

The south campus landscape has drastically changed since our reign- and we did reign, if only for one week per year- but where do the kids go now? The fraternity houses are gone, so are the n00bs having keggers in the dorms? Secret house parties? ASU Resedential Life went so far as to ban solicitation during move-in thanks to us, so how do you find these soirees? ASU slipped from Playboy's #1 to #3 party school after I left town, is this why? With an already weak Greek system and a president that frowns on that sort of thing, how do people get involved in the scene? Fake ID machines or something? I guess I am truly out of touch.

In honor of this glorious holiday, I'm drinking ferociously and watching PCU, trying to vicariously relive the glory days of partydom. If you're an undergrad and reading this, ru away from the computer, find a bum to buy you some booze, find a chick, and get ripped together until your clothes fall off. It's the one true Sun Devil tradition.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, I'm a big fatass

You think you can do better? be my guest. At the end of the year I'll be sure to point out every one I get right and ignore every one I get wrong.

9/1, San Jose State: Former UA coach Dick Tomey has a knack for beating ASU and this will be closer than most think. Expect a tough defense, volumes of trick plays, and for this game to still be in doubt at halftime. SJSU was a bowl team last year, and after scaring the piss out of me the Devils will pull away in the second half. ASU by 17

9/8, Colorado: The Buffs went on the road last year and almost pulled off an upset at Georgia, but I think they're still playing intramurals, brother. Too much offense on our side of the ball and the crowd should be good. ASU by 21

9/15, San Diego State: SDSU returns 4 defensive starters from a 3-9 team. While that may help, it won't help enough against Ryan Torain and a senior-laden O-line. The defense should be starting to gel by now. ASU by 24

9/22, Oregon State: Nobody in Corvallis realizes how much they're going to miss departed QB Matt Moore. He was the heart and soul of the team that beat USC and I don't expect them to be in fighting shape by week four. ASU by 14

9/29, at Stanford: I can't believe the Devils haven't won a Pac-10 roadie in Cali since 1999. Coach Erickson has the team playing with confidence and Dirk Koetter is a distant memory. ASU by 30+

10/6, at Washington State: The first serious road trip will be close- it's WSU’s homecoming and QB Brink's a gamer. They have some quality receivers but their run game is a bit suspect. ASU by 7

10/13, Washington: Trap game! ASU returns home at a 6-0 mark and there's a buzz building around town causing the best crowd of the year. UW will be anywhere from 2-3 to 0-5 and hungry for a win. If Dirk's still coaching this is a loss. ASU by 13

10/27, Cal: The Devils will be fresh off of a bye week and seeking redemption after last year's embarassment in Berkeley, but ASU's secondary + DeSean Jackson = bad news, even on Homecoming. Cal by 4

11/3, at Oregon: I'm not sold on QB Dennis Dixon despite last year's statstical beat down in Tempe (lots of screen passes that went long) and Coach Belotti will probably be shuffling Leaf the younger in by this point in the season. ASU by 9

11/10, at UCLA: 20 returning starters for the Bruins, holy freaking God. Their strength last year was the run D and that won't change. Expect Torain to have his worst day of the year. UCLA by 12

11/22, USC: Arizona State has a hard time getting a good crowd on Thanksgiving Day and it's freakin' USC. The young Trojan talent is firing on all cylinders by now and the tryptophan leaves the Devils flat. USC by 27

12/1, Arizona: The premier matchup will be UA's defense against ASU's offense, but the game will be decided by Air-izona vs. the Devil D. If concussion prone Willie Tuitama still has his head on his shoulders by week 12, the kittycat offense will be decent but not good enough. ASU will be trying to save face after two consecutive losses and Erickson won't let them come out flat. ASU by 10



Once again we’re the best of the rest of the Pac-10 at 9-3. We still don’t have the horses to run with the big boys but we’re not beating ourselves against the other dwarves. With this schedule we should be better but it’ll take a minor miracle to run through the final five games with two or fewer losses. The only chance is that the players adapt and buy into Erickson’s schemes quickly and all of the outstanding questions are answered with good fortune.

Bowl game, Nebraska: Sam Keller throws for 600+ yards and 6 TD's in a Husker rout. He then goes into the stands and fucks half of ASU's women, yet mysteriously all women present become pregnant and give birth to coked-up, rocket-armed cyborgs that destroy the earth. Far fetched, yes, but it's as close to anyone's bowl prediction made before fall camp.

Labels: Dirk's a horse's ass, drugs, Pac-10 business, the new era, UA morons, we're sorry Sam Keller

We're taking a break from admonishing football players today, but it's amazing how many of the names on this list have come from the gridiron. Maybe that huffy, overly academic and damn proud of it econ professor of yours was right about football being barbaric and mind numbing. Screw him. As the great James Caan once said, "when was the last time 80,000 fans showed up to watch a damn chemistry experiment?!" Speaking of old professors, can anyone tell me if Dr. Fuchs is still teaching chemistry at ASU? He's nothing like the fictional prof mentioned above, but he was 100-something years old when I had him in 1998. He's actually a really nice guy who goes to a lot of ASU baseball games- I'll go out on a limb and call him the Frank Kush of chemistry, having received his PhD from Arizona State College in 1936. Sidetracked? Apologies.

The Sun Devil embarrassment list continues, but not before seeing who else is already on it.

Honorable mention: Courtney Simpson and Eddie House
#11: Courtney Jackson
#10: Bryson Krueger
#9: Ryan Kealy
#8: Connor Banks
#7: JR Redmond
#6: Hakim Hill

And away we go...

#5: Barry Bonds, Baseball, 1982-1986. Ahhh, now we're getting somewhere. For every ounce of pride I have when thinking that a Sun Devil will hold the most revered individual record in all of sports, there are five ounces of shame. Bonds' "achievement" (note spooky quotes) will tarnish Hank Aaron, the game of baseball, and eventually the Hall of Fame. One can argue that everyone else in baseball is doing it, but Bonds, along with McGwire, will be at the top of the memory list 50 years from now when folks begin reminiscing about the steroid era.

The tricky part of all of this is that there isn't any real proof. Bonds could be higher on the list if we actually knew he was using steroids, but then again he might not be. Part of what has made this story a circus is all of the mystery that surrounds it, dragging out exhaustive speculation. The only way this thing will ever end is if the truth comes out. Think about it- people still want to know who shot JFK, where Amelia Earhart is, and what happened to the Lindbergh baby. This will stand the test of time as well.

I'm a staunch believer in a man being innocent until proven guilty, but c'mon. Look at these pictures:

These are actually the same person.

Sorry, Barry, I'm not buying what you're selling- unless you get traded to the Cubs. On a side note, the University is apparently ignoring the swirling rumors because the official site has a ton of information on Bonds and the chase for Aaron's record, including a few more (incriminating)pictures from Bonds' ASU days.

#4: Student Section, University Activity Center, 1984-1988. Anybody who has ever read this site knows my passionate hatred for the University of Arizona and everything it represents, but it is possible to go too far. UA shooting guard Steve Kerr's father was murdered in 1984 while he was the president of the American University in Beirut, and Kerr didn't receive the warmest welcome in his first trip back to the hardwood.

There's a lot of conflicting information on the exact timeline of events, but Tucson legend will tell you that two days after the murder Steve cried before a game against ASU in Tempe but took the floor anyway. Rather than a warm reception, he was welcomed by chants of PLO! PLO! PLO!, not to mention other slurs such as Where's your dad? and Go back to Beirut! Kerr responded by dropping 20 first-half points on the Devils in yet another rout of ASU.

Having been to more than my fair share of ASU/UA basketball games, I'm positive that this actually happened, the only conflicts in the story are when it happened. Whle the murder happened in '84, the 20-point first half happened in '88. My personal guess is that the jeering happened all four times Kerr took the floor in Tempe. Not that I condone it or anything, that's just my experience with the locals.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, drugs, movie references, other sports, rivalry rants, the offseason sucks, thug life

The list continues today with the top ten scandals not nearly as bad as the Brandon Faulkner tragedy/Loren Wade embarrassment. Here's what we have so far:

Honorable mention: Courtney Simpson & Eddie House
#11: Courtney Jackson
#10: Bryson Krueger
#9: Ryan Kealy
#8: Connor Banks

...and so on. We're sticking with the gridiron once again today since I can't seem to be able to dig up any dirt on Grace Park or Paul Casey. Away we go!

#7: JR Redmond, football, 1995-1999. I actualy heard this story two days before it broke from a good friend that worked at Sun Devil Stadium. It's a weird one, so stick with me. It was announced on a Friday that Redmond wouldn't play in the following day's matchup against the Oregon Ducks, a game that had serious implications on the Pac-10 race. Redmond's girlfriend worked for the University and, as most relationships go, bought her boyfriend presents, did his laundry, etc. Redmond's draft stock rose throughout his career and he was projcted to go in the late first/early second round of the upcoming NFL Draft.

The girlfriend was well aware of this and threatened to report all of the girlfriendly things she had done (and kept reciepts for) to the NCAA unless Redmond married her without a pre-nuptial agreement. A university employee is prohibited by the NCAA from giving gifts to student-athletes, and the bitch wanted to be legally tied to the millions Redmond was projected to make in the NFL.

The not-so-happy couple went to Las Vegas during the bye week, got a shotgun wedding, and returned to Tempe with dollar signs in her eyes. Redmond finally broke down and told Coach Snyder the gory details, so Snyder suspended him a game just for good measure and he reported everything that happened to the NCAA himself. The wedding was anulled and to my knowledge the bitch didn't get a cent after Redmond went pro. Redmond wasn't able to shake the stink of the scandal by draft day and he eventualy went to the New England Patriots in the third round, where he won a world championship and was an integral part of the game-winning drives of both Super Bowl XXXVI and the "snow bowl" AFC Championship that preceeded it.

This is so high on the list because JR Redmond is one of my all-time favorite Sun Devils and an absolute badass.

#6: Hakim Hill, football, 2001-2003. In a football-serious college town like Iowa City, it's surprising when the home school doesn't recruit a talented, decorated, and successful local athlete but hey, it takes a special person to get banned from a country. Hill was recruited by Dirk Koetter, most likely due to alumni pressure since his father happens to be ASU legend JD Hill. Hill's recruitment was altered due to rape charges he picked up in high school, but that's only the beginning, as his rap sheet is longer than anyone else on this list. Koetter kicked him off the team for punching teammate Matt Miller following a loss to Arizona. A lot of people wanted to punch Miller in the face after dropping a pass on the goal line that sealed the loss, but people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones as Hill himself fumbled on the goal line that awful, awful day, not that I'm bitter or anything.

Hill's problems include multiple DUI's, stealing paintball equipment, bribing cops, fighting cops, the aforementioned charge of raping a 15 year-old in a classroom, along with some drunk and disorderly conduct. He has been booted off the team at both ASU and Northern Iowa, plus Toronto and Saskatchewan of the CFL. Add to that, he has tarnished the image of one of ASU's all-time greats. He was part of one of ASU's deepest backfields since 1996, including the foursome of Hakim Hill, Randy Hill, Cornell Canidate, and- you guessed it- Loren Wade. A year later, those four were arrested, injured, injured, and arrested, so Rudy Burgess converted from WR to fill the void and asserted his badassery at running back.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, drugs, rivalry rants, Rudy Fucking Burgess, the offseason sucks, thug life

Ahhh, college. Grow your hair long, dabble in the experimentation of hallucinogenic mushrooms, be the starting center for a sweet sixteen contender. Well, I did two of those things myself, but it seems that (former?) Gonzaga center Josh Heytvelt went for the sweep and won't be playing anytime soon due to an indefinite suspension following an arrest.

Some will call this "a stupid decision" by Heytvelt, but basic economics teaches us the principles of opportunity cost, where choosing one path leads to inevitible sacrifices that could be gained by following another path. Do the costs outweigh the benefits here? Let's compare, shall we?

Hoops: Rarely more than two hours.
Shrooms: anywhere from 3-5 hours, depending on quality and quantity.
Advantage: shrooms

Hoops: +/- 32 games, figuring in conference and NCAA tournaments
Shrooms: any time you can find them, which in the Pacific Northwest means you're limited to days ending in "Y."
Advantage: Shrooms

Hoops: Even in a weak conference, expecting a winning percentage over 80% is pushing it. Bad trips are possible, like driving to Oklahoma City and meeting a Kansas juggernaut.
Shrooms: There is a chance of a bad trip, but a success rate of 95%+ is normal for most folks.
Advantage: Shrooms

Hoops upgrade: college football- longer, more intense, known to cause withdrawls.
Shrooms upgrade: acid- longer, more intense, known to cause withdrawls, but there are plenty of times when you want it to be over with.
Advantage: Hoops

So there you have it, with scientific proof: psychadelic mushrooms are three times better than college basketball. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Seriously though, felony possession? The kid plays in Spokane, Washington for chrissakes. It's not like he's smuggling them up from Mexico or anything. They grow wild all over the place up there...allegedly.

And on a side note, HERB!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, hoops

Q: Who was the last team to defeat the Rutgers Scarlet Knights?

A: The Arizona State Sun Devils.

I'm just sayin'.

Bravo to the boys from America's armit, and shame on me for leaving a bar with a plasma screen tv just to go to another bar that didn't have a tv at all. I can't believe I missed the second half, but the highlights are fantastic. Be sure to check out lucky-as-hell RU kicker Jeremy Ito point at the camera after his game winning kick. Nothing says "bad karma" like a kicker talking trash after making a kick from 28 yards out from the middle of the field, especially since he missed mere seconds before that and was saved by a defensive offsides penalty. Best of luck overcoming all of that bad juju next Saturday at Cincinnati, Jeremy. The magic 8-ball (is that a drug reference?) says to take the Bearcats and the points.

This brings up an interesting point: just how important is home field advantage in college football? Certainly nothing in the professional ranks comes close save the 1967 ice bowl in Green Bay; I think the only possible challenger is college basketball. (For those in Tempe unaware of this new sport, see link) Basketball is a game of finesse where the crowd can play a factor in disrupting the opponent, but football is an entirely different matter. The gridiron boasts a game played with passion, and 80,000 screaming drunks can inspire amd motivate men to do things that the players themselves might not have even thought possible. The vocal support displayed in a game of great magnitude can will a moderately talented team to victory, and anyone who has been in attendance at that big of a game will attest to this. A smattering of samples includes the 1996 ASU-Nebraska shutout game, Florida State at Virginia in 1995 (sorry Steph), and last night's big upset by Rutgers over Louisville. Any who went to those games will acknowledge an "electric feeling" that seemingly encompassed the stadiums on those magical nights, and they will also note the absence of it during most games.

You can't pull it off every week since an inebriated mass can't defy physics. The human psyche can't motivate in that manner every Saturday, just ask South Carolina. The Cocks are notorious for pulling huge crowds for huge games yet rarely pull it off, although Holtz and now Spurrier have seen the Williams-Brice goalposts tumble at least once. There is a line where on-field talent can't be overcome no matter how raucous the student section may be, which was apparent after the 2005 Arizona State-USC game after Reggie Bush went hogwild rushing for what feels like several thousand yards in the second half. Friends have attested to the aforementioned electric atmosphere that day, but those in attendance weren't able to sustain the mayhem in the 100+ segree heat after the Trojans scored their first touchdown.

Summing up, crowds CAN win college football games. here's a recipe for a successful upset:

1) The teams have to be marginally comparable in talent. No matter how many diehards show up or how motivated the team is, FIU will never beat Miami. We can't break the laws of nature, no matter how many beer bongs we did in the parking lot.

2) There should be an unspoken concensus that it is the biggest game at _______ Stadium since ________, possibly ever. This wil vary based on the program-in-question's stature. Last night, is was the fact that Rutgers was nationally televised and playing a top 5 team. Most teams in the SEC encounter this situation at least once a year, but it's not that big of a departure from their sense of normalcy.

3) Night games significantly help, especially non-Saturday nights. The three aforementioned games: ASU-NU, FSU-UVa, and RU-Louisville were all Thursday night games. The goofy schedule makes it stand out as a big deal, thereby sparking interest. The late kickoff provides plenty of extra time around the keg, adding fuel to the already frenzied fire.

4) Something has to be at stake. It can be national ranking, a bowl berth, saving a coach's job, or simply pride and respect. The players have to have internal motivation to play at a high level, and once they reach that point the crowd has the ability to kick them into another gear they probably didn't know they had. There is a great story about that ASU-Nebraska game when the ASU team bus pulled into the parking lot of Sun Devil Stadium coming back from a pre-game meal. The space where the bus typically parked was filled with red-clad tailgaters talking smack and throwing things at the bus. Pat Tillman had to be physically restrained from leaving the bus and whipping ass (totally true story) and by many accounts that was when the team sensed something brewing within themselves. Add chip on the shoulder from the national ignorance of the team's existance and voila!- 19-0, bitches.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, drugs, regular old crackers

Author's note: The "add photo" function on Blogger is a steaming heap of shit, but here's a link to a cool halloween picture. Enjoy!

There are reasons you don't go to bars on Tuesday nights, of this I am sure. Problem is I wasn't so sure of it last night and I am subsequently feeling undelicious at work today. The wit today is about as sharp as a bowling ball, so I'll leave it to the experts.

Michigan Zone has reported a fantastic, hate-filled rivalry story about the tragically uncool Red Hot Chili Peppers. Remember them? They were a cutting edge punk band that innovated the eventually annoying rock/rap genre, but now all they put out are sad bastard songs, most of which seem to refer to their home state of California. They are the top nominees for artists that need to get back on the junk immediately; maybe George Clinton and Willie Nelson should open for them. As a wiser man than myself once said, "should a formerly great artist be punished for his latter-day sins? Is it better to burn out than fade away?" Pardon the aside, and now back to the story. Drummer Chad Smith (allegedly a Michigan native) appeared on stage at a Columbus concert sporting a Wolverine jersey and the band was booed. They then opened the set with Michigan fight song Hail to the Victors, a move that has led to at least one local radio station banning their music. Anti-Buckeye works for me almost any day of the week, but the fact that they knew the fight song of the town's rival is wholly rock and fucking roll and could only happen in the arena of college rivalry. Bravissimo!


Note to Keidis, et. al.: this is what a rock band should sound like.

More props to M-Zone for being on fire this week with their head coach halloween costumes. Spot on, gentlemen.

Labels: blog links, drugs, message board nonsense, movie references, regular old crackers, rivalry rants

I came across this little snippet this morning in between gorging on Pop Tarts and trying to ignore the Kellerpenter Decisiongate.

Dennis Haskins, aka Mr. Belding from the television show "Saved by the Bell," will speak Tuesday, Aug. 29, at 8 p.m. in the W.E. Singleton Center. Haskins will deliver anecdotes from the show, talk about the business in general and answer questions. The show, sponsored by the VCU SportsCenter, is free to all members of the VCU community.

Pretty freaking cool for a school without a football program, although if they had one they probably could have gotten the entire cast together. Mmmmmm, Kapowski. This is not the first time our princi-PAL has graced fair river city...anecdote time!

There is an annual charity golf tournament in Richmond every year sometime close to Labor Day. Two years ago, it was scheduled on the second Monday in September, which happened to coincide with the afternoon arrival of Tropical Depression Gaston. It was some of the hardest rain I've ever witnessed, and it was sustained over an eight hour period. Gridlock ensued due to flooded streets, and I was stuck on the VCU campus. Rather than try to drive home, I walked to a friend's house nearby to watch Monday Night Football and crash for the night. Since the local ABC affiliate couldn't pass up the opportunity to show the same 45 seconds of footage every other local channel was showing over and over, the game wasn't aired here. We took this opportunity to go to Buddy's, a neighborhood bar and Richmond landmark. The story starts getting interesting here.

We have a few cocktails and shoot the breeze for awhile, and suddenly hear a large roar. We turned around to acknowledge the ruckus and saw Charles Barkley making an entrance. He apparently plays in the golf tourney every year (and poorly, I might add) and is known to hit up a few bars while in town. On this particular evening he had a couple of friends in tow: espn's David Aldridge and the BIg Bopper himself, Mr. Belding. DA was pretty cool- very approachable, a beer drinker, and happy to talk to the locals. The round mound of rebound lived up to all expectations- he was the life of the party, had hot chicks hanging all over him, and consumed shots-a-plenty. I honestly didn't talk to him, but it was hard to miss a 6'4" black man dancing on a table.

Speaking of dancing on tables, Belding did the same, but he had the rest of us laughing at him, not with him. He wielded his celebrity like a dark lord of the sith, pushing himself on chicks half his age and way out of his league; these girls were only at his table to get to CB. He consumed at least as much alcohol as I did that evening (which says a lot) and it started to show after the midnight hour. He really started staggering around, and he had that self-important look in his eye that says "I'm Mr. Belding, get the f@$k out of my way, I used to be important, dammit!" I think he caught on to how unimpressed all of us were with his presence and chose to leave, but on his way out he shoved a guy, and a fight almost broke out.

Ok, so it's not Rick James (rip) and Charlie Murphy, but it was still pretty cool. I'll have to do a little research, but this might actually be from that night!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, movie references

Today feels like a big concussion. ASU head coach Dirk Koetter, after naming Sam Keller the starting quarterback, has gone John Kerry on all of us and named Rudy Carpenter the starter. There will be a much longer post on this topic once I peel myself off of the ceiling, but my BAC is way too low to start on that rant. Besides, isn't it kind of difficult to make conclusions when there aren't any facts on which to base it?

Keller was excused from Sunday night's practice to "review his options." It sounds like Koetter expects the true senior to transfer, so let's examine his options. Playing time is important to Keller, as he has one season of eligibility remaining. What really throws a curveball into all of this mess is that he never used his redshirt.

1) Keller stays with ASU. It's really not that unforeseeable, despite what the internet tells you. Since Jake the Snake graduated (9 season ago), ASU has had ONE season where the same quarterback started every game, the 2003 campaign with Andrew Walter. ,It's not out of the question that Rudy could get hurt even behind a very seasoned O-line. If he stays and Carpenter gets through the season without so much as a hangnail, as long as he refuses mop-up time he can claim a redshirt year and pull a Kruger- he can transfer to any D-1 school and play right away under a new NCAA rule(that oh by the way is total garbage). This is the best situation for ASU, as they have an insurance policy for Rudy's arm/knees. I don't think anyone outside of Tucson wants to see true freshman Danny Sullivan take any meaningful snaps this year.

2) Immediately transfer to a D-1 school. He can take his redshirt year this season and still play next year. There are plenty of teams that would love to have him, but my picks for early favorites would be either Colorado or Nebraska. Both run an offense conducive to chucking it early and often, and both have immediate needs under center. The push goes to the Buffs, who currently employ Keller's former QB coach Mark Helfrich as their offensive coordinator.

3) Transfer to a D-1AA school. There are certainly plenty to choose from, and Keller is probably better than at least 99.9% of their current quarterbacks. He can play this year, showcasing his ability to quickly pick up an offense to the NFL scouts. He'll also pad his stats against inferior competition. Jeff Krohnwill tell you how much the scouts eat that up.

Keller(9) is greeted by Dirk Koetter(96) before Sunday's practice.













4) Say 'ah fuck it' and start prepping for next year's draft. This could be fun. Sam could hang with rappers, get his Goose on, and study the kabbala with Ishmael Soprano, all while embarassing his alma mater long after his departure. Nothing says "big NFL bucks" like man boobs. (and I ought to know)

And the worst thing Sam Keller could possibly do...

5) Transfer to U of A and win a national championship. Commense vomiting.

Labels: Dirk's a horse's ass, drugs, I'm a big fatass, surrounded by morons, we're sorry Sam Keller

I'm dying here. Awash with stories of arrests, camp injuries, and baseball races not involving the Cubbies, I have an overwhelming feeling of.... sadness? depression? What's the word? Last Friday a bit of a cold front blew in followed by a rainstorm. It smelled like football, and I nearly wept. Please leaves, start changing.

Hmmmm. What's going on around the college football world? There's a guy at Ohio State who entered treatment in May after drinking an esrimated 30-40 beers a day. Why is this so looked down upon? He would have fit in nicely at A-State; maybe a transfer isn't completely out of the question.

The story out of Camp Tontozona is that the Arizona State defense is outplaying the vaunted ASU offense. Should this entice exuberant excitement or sheer terror? Much has been made of the improved talent at running back for the Devils, but the same has been said about the defensive line. True frosh RB Dimitri Nance, one of only 2 high schoolers to ever rush for over 3,000 yards playing 5A ball in Texas (the other being Cedric Benson), ripped off a 37 yard TD run in last week's scrimmage. Problem is, his other 6 carries totaled a not-so-monstrous 8 yards. The Koetter quarterback tandem, also known as Kellerpenter, threw for a whopping 26 comletions totaling 216 yards on 40 attempts, including one TD (Rudy) and one INT (Sam). Both guys played the "lack of rhythm" card in the post scrimmage press conference, and I suppose that's ok. No its not. Both Sun Devil quarterbacks were all world last year and shouldn't be thwarted by ANY ASU DEFENSE this side of Terrell Suggs. The solace I can take is that Koetter made a similar comment at a similar point in fall camp 2005. In case you're not up to date on stats, 2005 final national rankings for ASU: total offense-2, total defense- 115.

It was also stated by many that the safety position is in great shape with conference-leading tackler Zach Catanese (can't believe his name starts with cat), but that's no surprise. The real standout on D has been the other safety, oft-injured Josh Barrett. Koetter has dubbed him the camp MVP thus far for his effort, athleticism, and leadership. I was originally thinking that former Dedger Mike Nixon would make a fine safety (one of his high school positions) rather than going out for linebacker, but the Sun Devils actually sound set at defensive position! kinda makes me feel like riverdancing...

In other sad bastard postings, my top two high anticipation players are out with mild injuries right now, sophomore reciever Mike Jones (g'head and say it...you know you want to...MIKE JONES!!) and transfer defensive end Loren Howard. I think it speaks volumes about Howard in that he hasn't had any live football action in two years but is on the Lombardi Award watch list as the top lineman in the country (offense or defense), although he'll have stiff competition with fellow Devils Andrew Carnahan and Zach Miller in the mix. Both Jones and Howard are day to day and don't expect to miss the opener against the 'Jacks.

I figured out the word from the first paragraph. Angst.

Labels: blog links, drugs, I miss college, movie references, regular old crackers

It's time for a little anecdote, boys and girls. This tale comes from the mouth of my stepfather, who was many things but certainly not a liar. I believe the following events to be true, although it is entirely possible that they're a tad bit old-man-exaggerated.

Dennis (my stepdad) played high school football at Wooster High School in Wooster, Ohio, a midwestern steel town of the 1950's. He was a highly touted and gifted tailback for the varsity squad, talented enough to accept a track scholarship to Southern Illinois University. If you've ever met anyone from Ohio, they will almost always take your conversation, whether it is about nuclear physics, soap operas, or the fact that The Dukes of Hazzard is the best television show of all time, and they will turn the topic into the importance of Ohio high school football. "It's like religion...you could rob the town blind during a game..." Their football self importance rivals the natives of Texas, Florida, and everywhere in between. Save it, Brutus.

STFU.





That being said, the players take it as seriously as anyone. I don't recall the name of their rival high school, but it was the week of the big game and it was an away game for Wooster. Dennis, a couple of his buddies, and a stolen bottle of whiskey broke in to their rivals' stadium the Wednesday night before the game with several gallons of kerosene. They used the fuel to paint an enormous "W" on the field that faced the home sideline. It was so grandiose, in fact, that it stretched from one sideline to the other. It had been relatively wet that week, so they felt little to no remorse when they left the field unattended moments after setting the "W" ablaze.

This is small-town middle America in the 1950's, and word traveled quickly. It was apparently a huge deal and even made the Friday morning paper. Dennis will tell you it was because the other team was so demoralized, but Wooster left the stadium victors, winning an away game on a field that boasted a gigantic black "W." Football, rivalry in particular, kicks fucking ass.

You may realize that this situation is not entirely unique. The annual Virginia class war between the UVa bluebloods and the toothless thug wonders from Tech featured a similar prank, although not as spectacular. Some drunken Hokie faithful broke into Scott Stadium on the eve of last year's game and vandalized the home team's large orange "V" by adding a lopsided "T." Ground crews are a little more advanced nowadays, and they were able to remove the stain using scrub brushes and eventually green paint. I hate both schools, but that freaking rules.











My favorite turf defacement story comes from the TCU-SMU rivalry. During the halftime show, the visiting SMU Mustangs marching band formed a large "M" and held their positions. Three months later, as the Texas winter took it's toll on the playing surface, a bright green "M" appeared. The SMU band geeks had each smuggled winter rye seeds on to the field and dropped them during the aforementioned routine.


Something needs to happen to Arizona Stadium this fall. I'll leave it up to the Sun Devil faithful to figure out exactly what, but I'll suggest one thing: flame throwers.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, movie references, rivalry rants

Here's a rundown of Friday night's draft.

CShelton took the U of Miami with the first overall pick, who could very well win the whole thing by themselves. His pro teams are average at best with the Phillies, Eagles, and world champion Heat. Who knows, maybe there will be an interleague brawl on Broad Street. He really wowed the room with his free agents and celebrities with Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Randy Moss, Michael Jackson, along with his underdog Danny Bonaduce, whose status of "celebrity" is under review.

Michael took THE Ohio State University, who has a ton of alumni potential. He has Nick Nolte and he's the first one on the score board with The Tuna "could explode at any moment" based on the T.O. situation. Michael also has Tony Stewart, proving his incompetence by thinking that Nascar is a sport.

Newspaper Hack was stuck in a crisis situation at the office, so the other GM's collaborated and Gave him the U of Tennessee (which he loves as a Bama fan), The New Orleans Saints, Oakland A's, and Portland Trail BLAZERS. His free agents and celebs look good with the exception of Jim McMahon, who hasn't been seen since a brief stint with the Arizona Cardinals, aka the place where average quarterbacks go to die. The stormin mormon is complimented by date raper Sebastian Janikowski, time bomb Ruben Patterson, .Robert Downey, Jr, and the due-to-be-shot-again-anyday-now Fitty Cent.

Scotty has Florida State, the Dallas Cowboys, Florida Marlins (lots of heat, humidity and losing), and the Milwaukee Bucks just to piss off Steve. Free agents include Charles Woodson and two alumni of the U- Sean Taylor and Jeremy Shockey. He has great celebrities with "I only drink on days that end in Y" Tara Reid and professional fuck-up/baby daddy Kevin Federline.

I'll be the first to admit that my team kind of sucks. I went with Auburn, whose illeracy rate ought to get me something, and I have the NY Knicks, homer pick Chicago Cubs, and the Atlanta Falcons, who I probably took because they were on TV during the draft. Of course, ATL means "above the law." My celebrities are both total whackos and could go Margot Kidder at any moment- Whitney Houston and Gary Busey. My free agents are Marcus Vick, Willis McGahee, and former Devil Hakim Hill (I had to have at least one). Hey, you never know.

Wheels stunned the room by taking the University of Georgia; we're still not sure why. He also has the LA Lakers, world champ Chicago White Sox, and Miami Dolphins. If he's to stay competitive he'll need celeb/free agent help, but he has some good ones with Ron Artest, Jermaine O'neal, Kellen Winslow Jr., preggo Britney Spears, and porno affacionado Charlie Sheen.

Angry Wisconsinite Steve has the teams that he hates- the U of Michigan, Chicago Bulls, Chicago Bears, and NY Yankees. He has Nicole Ritchie and a toal lock with Lindsey Lohan. His athletes are Allen Iverson, non-athlete Kurt Busch, and one of the biggest surprises of the night in Isiah Thomas. Maybe he'll assault a member of the media.

Alex has hella-thuggish Virginia Tech, the Detroit Lions, roid abusing San Francisco Giants, and the Sacramento Kings. He's pretty smart and did a surprising amount of research (he had a full page of notes), so I'l have to trust his judgement on Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and David Hasselhoff, but I'd say he's in good shape with Bobby Brown, John Daly, and scary as hell Mike Tyson.

Maggie got stuck at work and missed the whole thing, so we punished her by putting her at the end of the draft order and giving her LPGA jail bait Michelle Wie. Other than that, she somehow has the best overall team with the Florida Gators, Detroit Pistons, Cincinnati Bengals, New York Mets, Rasheed Wallace, Jerry Porter, Colin Ferrell and Russell Crowe. We were waaaay too nice.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, other sports, regular old crackers, thug life

Everybody pussed out on the duct tape, but we all drank 40's. Multiples. Me drunkie. Whoopsie daisy...

Here's a flashback:

The first round has been completed, as have the first 40's. Here's the picks.

1. No surprise, CShelton picks the U.

2. Michael picked tOSU with approval and applause, although I think they may be done for now based on this week's events.

3. newspaper hack was absent, and although it probably kills him as a Bama fan, I gave him Tennessee.

4. Scotty took the 'Noles

5. I knew I had to take an SEC school, so I went with Auburn. They're really due. It was hard to go against the Gun Devils, but I didn't want to make a homer pick and then have to root for my boys to to find some trouble.

Wheels, although a V Tech alum, picked Georgia. Got booed.

Steve picks Michigan with the "they're due" philosophy, all the while Scotty is wearing his "Ann Arbor is a Whore" t-shirt.

OK, the 40's are setting in. I can't keep up; it's going waaay faster than I thought it would. All drafts will be posted tomorrow, based on when I sober up/ain't hungover. Speculate all you like, it was fun. You should have come over, you bastards. I'm going to Buddy's.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, other sports, regular old crackers, thug life

Not anyone I know, but I think you get the idea.
After my suggestion about drinking a 40 during the upcoming Fantasy Misfit Draft, there was a unanimous rally cry to play Edward Fortyhands during the draft. While this sounds like a ton of fun, I don't really think I'll be able to live blog with malt liquor duct taped to my hands. Let's try, shall we? I'll type "House of Heat" using a regular 12 ounce beer bottle.

hbhbouse of heewat

While that was exponentially better than I could have hoped, it took an excruciatingly long time and is not up to the standards of you, my two readers. I'll just sit back and swill sherry during the draft, which will now take place this Friday, August 11, at 7:30pm. Hope this doesn't ruin your bridge club.


Speaking of gauntlets, the smell of dust storms, monsoons, and pine trees is in the air. CAMP T, BABY! ASU makes an annual trip up north to the pine forest of Camp Tontozona, located near Payson, AZ. Koetter was pleased with Wednesday's night practice after a sluggish team fought the desert heat and humidity that morning in the first of many two-a-days. This was much better to hear than Tuesday's post practice comments, when Coach K noted that "the effort was there, but the execution was lacking." That's something you say about a retarded kid, for chrissakes. Koetter also noted that having the first two-a-day in Tempe was beneficial because they were able to do a lot more since they have more daylight. Hmmm, I realize Payson is off the beaten path, but I think they've been introduced to the revolution of electricity. If not, hook the scout team up to a treadmill and get those lights on. First day of Camp T has arrived!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, other sports, regular old crackers, tailgating