Sunday, December 31, 2006


My New Year's Eve Is Better Than Your New Year's Eve

I'm at a friend's house right now in the midst of the second annual convention of IOTA, aka Internationl Order of Time-zone Alcoholics. We started at 7 am in Fiji and we toast to every time zone around the globe. Right now we're in China playing 50-cup beer pong. It's fun. My bowl picks have taken a turn for the worse over the last two days so it looks like watching football for nothing more than the pure sake of enjoyment for the rest of the year. Oh well.

In ther spirit of hating all things U of A, I present this, the best fark I've seen in quite some time. Take that, Wilbur. I stole it from a lad calling himself "TADevil," but apparently he stole it from some other site. Cheers, and happy new year, over and over and over.

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Tuesday, December 26, 2006


Fuck Hawaii, Fuck Colt Brennan, and Fuck Don Ho.

Mele Kalikmyballs.

While the Sun Devils played inspired football for most of Sunday night's game against the Hawaii Warriors, Dirk Koetter proved to be too much for the players to overcome as piss-poor halftime adjustments and weak efforts on the field plagued ASU late in the fourth quarter. June Jones and the Hawaii coaching staff must have reminded Colt Brennan that he was passing against the Arizona State secondary, sans an injured Zach Catanese no less, and the junior record-setting QB followed in the steps of Dennis Dixon, Nate Longshore, and too many others by scorching them to the tune of 559 passing yards and 5 touchdowns in Hawaii's 41-24 victory.

5 Good things About Sunday Night's Loss:
1.) Rudy Carpenter played his best game since the 2005 Insight Bowl. You won't see it on the statline, but the lost mojo/swagger of which everyone spoke following the midseason slump was finally back for the Hawaii Bowl, even if it was too little, too late.
2.) Mike Jones! The guys in the booth kept making references to the rapper of the same name, and Jones earned it. He had, by far, his best game as a Sun Devil and looks to lead the receiving corps into the Dennis Erickson era with some promise. This was the player everyone saw in the spring game, and it's about damn time it translated into a real game. He had 5 catches for 72 yards, but many were in clutch situations.
3.) Ryan Torain will be in the backfield for the 2007 Sun Devils. Dude's phenomenal and should be one of the top backs in the Pac next year. He had 160 yards on 18 carries, including a career-long 62-yarder.
4.) There are no 300 pound tailbacks in the Pac-10. Thank God.
5.) Dirk Koetter is gone. Shots anyone?! No more emotionless players. No more folding under pressure. No more punting away any hope of winning games. Throughout most of the game I thought ASU played well and did Dirk proud, but as soon as he quit on them they quit on him. This is twice now that Koetter has pulled this punt crap, and since it is the last time (yeeha!) he gets the horse's ass again.

Even a horse's ass knows when not to punt. At least it didn't get blocked.

Additional kudos for solid play go to Josh Barrett, Travis Goethel, Brandon Smith, and the outgoing seniors.

5 Not So Good Things About Sunday Night's loss:
1.) Tackling, or lack thereof. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Get in front of a guy, wrap his legs, and drive up. It's just that simple. If you think he's going to juke, watch his midsection. It's a tell-tale sign of which way he's going. I learned this in pop warner, it's really not that complicated. ASU's D probably holds Brennan to less than 400 yards passing if the secondary could have dropped guys upon initial contact. I'm not talking about those bruising running backs, either- they are freaks of nature and have to be treated accordingly. Hawaii's wide receivers needed to be brought down, or knocked out of bounds, waaaay earlier than they were.

2.) Keno Walter-White. Sorry buddy, you're back in the shithouse again. I really appreciate the photo op on 11/25 and you seem like a really nice guy, but you were everybody's bitch on Sunday. You were much like a port-o-potty: you got used, and often times shit on, everywhere you went. One of Hawaii's receivers had 308 receiving yards, and even though I haven't reviewed the game film I'd be willing to bet that he was your man to cover most of the time.

3.) Justin Tryon letting the guy go. After Dirk punted the game away it really didn't make much difference, but you can't get called out on national tv by a neutral observer for a lack of effort. Coach Erickson was probably watching (from a bar?) the telecast and you are in his doghouse before having never met the man. You have been the team's top corner all year, but you will now have to rebuild your reputation with many. I't a long offseason with nothing else to do, so you can expect this incident to be abuzz all year.

4.) Terry Richardson and Jamaal Lewis didn't make the trip to Hawaii. There wasn't a big deal made about it, leading me to believe that it was for disciplinary reasons. These talented individuals have been marred by off-field problems all season, and it must be a sad day for them. Their collegiate careers ended without spectacle or pomp; these are two men who should be worried about where they are being drafted, not if they are. It's sad to see such a waste of God-given talent, both for the team and for the individuals involved.

5.) Zach Miller is as good as gone. Erickson will have to do some major selling, but I think that there is little left for Miller to prove. His receiving numbers are down this season due to Carpenter's poor play coupled with the emergence of the running game, and a new offense will 1) be complicated to install and 2) more than likely feature tight end passes less frequently. Miller still awaits his junior NFL scouting evaluation, but many feel he is a legitimate first round pick based on his blocking and receiving skills. We'll miss you Zach, and thanks for staying home and being a Devil when you could have gone anywhere out of high school.

Additional thumbs down go to Kyle Caldwell's graduation, Zach Catanese's injury, and Jonathan Johnson's shanked punts.

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006


From Busy To Bored

It's been awhile, but real life shouldn't be too much of a burden for the rest of the week. It's not like a ton has happened in the last ten days anyway. I'm already in offseason mode as far as football season goes, and ASU basketball doesn't exactly do it for me... yet. Congrats to the hoopsters on beating Colgate and holding them to 34 points. Best headline of the day goes to Garrett Cleverly of Devils Digest with "Devils send Raiders Down The Plank." Yarrr. I'd also like to add a joke about Colgate's point total and U of A's rushing yard total on November 25th, but I'm a bit rusty.

In other news, hooray for science! Please God, make that pill available over the counter. I bet it fucks you up proper!

And hooray for alcohol! Everything goes downhill after a .23, but I think we all knew that anyway, just ask former Devil linebacker/defensive lineman Connor Banks. Dude had a .27 and drove an SUV into an apartment building. Thank goodness the evil Koetter empire is gone and Dennis Erickson has arrived, bring a new form of discipline to the Sun Devils.

ETA in hell: about nine months. (HT: EDSBS)

The Arizona Republic is reporting the imminent hiring of yet another Erickson cronie as defensive coordinator, and I'm still not sure why Bill Miller wasn't considered. DE said in a press conference that he wants to run a 4-3 base scheme and blitz a lot, and how is that not Miller? With a year of Miller's system under their belts, a similar unit went (statistically) from 113th nationally to 2nd in the Pac-10 in one year. Had our offense held up just a little bit this year we might have actually beaten a bowl-bound team other than Nevada.

Corners coach Al Simmons and D-line coach Grady Stretz will be retained on the staff, but they will probably be the only two. Simmons was on the rebuilding staff at Oregon State with DE, and I assume Stretz was kept based on the vast improvement of the D-line since his arrival. Many Sun Devil fans are pleading for legendary Arizona high school coach John Wrenn to be kept on staff but realize that his outlook is bleak. Wrenn coached Chandler"s Hamilton Huskies to several state titles and produced many D-1 players, most notably recently named Pro-Bowler Terrell Suggs. He is seen as a valuable local recruiting commodity and a guy that motivates and fires up the team. He'll be missed for sure, especially the way the running backs (his unit) played this year, but where does he go? Can he return to Hamilton with open arms, or does he have to go fishing for another gig? My condolences coach Wrenn, hope you land on your feet.

I hate to blow my offseason load in the first week, but I can't stand to not share such a morsel of fun during this season of giving. Here it is, just for you: the Phat Phree presents the 11 most bangable cartoon chicks ever. Enjoy!

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006


See, He's Loyal!

For a guy branded as unloyal, this hire is puzzling.

New Sun Devil head coach Dennis Erickson announced late yesterday that his long-time assistant Rich Olson will be the offensive coordinator next year at ASU. Olson has been at the helm of some of the most un-powerhouselike offenses of this century, including the 2006 Miami Hurricanes and the 2001 & 2002 Arizona Cardinals. I'm not exactly creaming my pants about this one, with visions of dink and dunk passes into the flat for negative yardage dancing in my head. Erickson is also bringing Dan Cozzetto back to Tempe, a guy that ran the Sun Devil offense for Bruce Snyder from 1993 to 1999 and worked with Erickson in Corvallis. Coach Coz was a player favorite who is remembered for his passion and fire.

ASU has been burdened in the past with this type of coach-loyalty syndrome, watching Brent Guy captain a sub par 4-2-5 defense for far too long in Tempe before leaving for his own head coaching job (?!) at Utah State. Let's just say he hasn't exactly set the world on fire there, either. Koetter was also erroneous in the minds of many for his incredible loyalty to special teams coach Tom Osborne, even after all of the kicking gaffes that tanked games in 2004 and 2005, most notably the post-Katrina miracle LSU was able to pull off. In another instance, rather than point to a need for better coaching, Koetter threw punter Chris MacDonald under the bus in a press conference by saying that his motion and approach was the reason for so many blocked punts. It couldn't have had anything to do with the shield formation that allows defenders the opportunity to get a running start at the kicker, could it? After losing his punting job at ASU, C-Mac transferred to Texas State and is doing quite well from what I hear.

I tried to find footage of the 2005 ASU-LSU game, but this will have to suffice in it's stead. Fun stuff.

I guess the point of all of this is that ASU should be "Country Club U" for recruits, but not for coaches. There is a lot of work to be done and this AARP buddy system of staffing doesn't thrill me. Erickson should make the effort to surround himself with the best minds in the game, not necessarily his golfing buddies. I dread the thought of ASU becoming the NFL Cardinals of the NCAA, "Where coaches come to die."

Having said all of that, I'll wait for results on the field of play before I further denounce this action. In Dennis we trust! (why do I feel creepy saying that?)

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Sunday, December 10, 2006


Erickson's Here

...and it's onward to victory!

Of the available choices, he was the best fit for the position. While I can't really agree with the firing of Dirk Koetter after perusing the candidate pool two weeks ago, Dennis Erickson should more than relieve Koetter's shortcomings.

DK: Soft defenses
DE: Angry malicious defenses that hit like freight trains and laugh at the opposition's pain

DK: Leads league in penalties, mostly mental and procedural
DE: Leads league in penalties, mostly agressive and celebratory

DK: Can't seem to close out games against good teams, even with seemingly solid leads
DE: The kind of guy that, after hitting an animal with his car, will back up a few times to make sure it's dead

DK: Players were occasionally thuggish off the field but polite on the gridiron
DE: Thug life, 24-7!

I'm using a wait-and-see aproach with regards to games 1) in California, 2) against ranked teams, and 3) against teams from Tucson. The few that miss Koetter will point to his 4-2 record against the Cats, although there is no reason we should have lost any of these games against arguably some of the worst UA teams in 100+ years. Erickson is 7-2 lifetime against them, even though the biggest hole in his resume is a 29-0 loss to UA in the 1992 Fiesta Bowl. I'll take him, either way.

Erickson's detractors are quick to point to the thug reputation that his Miami and Oregon State garnered during his reign, but I'm not convinced. His Beaver team that most remember is the one that kicked Notre Dame square in the ass in the 2001 Fiesta Bowl and racked up 174 penalty yards. Most of these penalties came as personal fouls, yes, but they were celebration penalties. I'd give anything to have those kind of high-class problems at ASU and besides, you try shutting up Chad Johnson. To be honest, the Sun Devils could use a little attitude.

At Miami, this kind of behavior is more the rule than the exception, so no one can make much of a stink on that one. The problem here is that Erickson unjustly receives blame for the probation Miami endured in the mid 1990's. A man who was not not employed the athletic department was falsifying documents for 50+ athetes of several sports, not just football players, to illegally receive Pell Grants. While you can argue a "lack of institutional control" or "not knowing what his players are doing," this kind of logic caused maroon and gold lynch mobs to form after the Arizona Republic insinuated that the tragic death of Brandon Faulkner was somehow Dirk Koetter's fault. Total horsepoopy.

Let's also be sure to jump all over him for getting a DUI in 1995. Oooooo, how evil. What kind of a sick bastard would ever drive drunk? Dude it happens, let it go. It's not going to be bumper cars on Mill Avenue or anything. I think he'll fit in just fine at one of the nation's top party schools.

Welcome, Coach Erickson. Hope springs eternal.

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Tuesday, December 05, 2006


A Traveler's Guide To Tempe (Glendale?)

Congrats to all of you Gators, Buckeyes, Sooners, Broncos, and whoever the hell is playing in the Insight Bowl. You have had successful enough seasons to land you in a bowl game in the Valley of the Sun. Since there isn't much going on in Sun Devil Land outside of the coaching carousel, I'll fill you all in on where to go and how to have a little fun in the Metro Phoenix area.

First, you'll be flying into Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. This is only one airport, but it is the perfect introduction to Arizona's passion for over-naming things, particularly when it comes to public works projects. The freeways can be especially confusing, but here is a quick breakdown:

Red Mountain freeway= AZ 202
Superstition freeway= US 60
Piestewa Peak Parkway/Squaw Peak expressway= AZ 51*
Black Canyon Highway= I-17
I-10 South= I-10 EAST**
I-10 North= I-10 WEST**

*- Squaw Peak was renamed Piestewa Peak after the female POW killed in Afghnistan.
**- Interstate 10 runs East-West from Jacksonville, FL to Los Angeles, CA with the exception of the area in between Tucson and Phoenix, which are geographically North and South from one another. Arizonans are notoriously geocentric.

Don't think for a second you can make this trip without renting a car. The vast majority of the Phoenix area was consructed after World War II and is therefore built at the scale of the automobile. By land area it is the largest city in the world, and there is no reliable public transit to speak of. Get a car, and do it right by tailgating on gameday and enjoy the gorgeous desert winter (feel free to be unimpressed, Gators). More on that in a moment. Also, be sure to pack at least one sweatshirt and pair of jeans; it surprises some that it gets a little chilly at night in the desert.

There really isn't any reason not to stay in Tempe, even if the game is in Glendale. The west side of town (where Glendale is) is a vast wasteland of strip mall establishments and it lacks any originality and culture. The most "southwestern" thing you'll find in Glendale is Chili's, and you can get those scrumptious egg rolls and baby back ribs anywhere. Tempe is home to Arizona State University and their collection of magnificent coeds and bars; quite frankly you'd kick yourself for going all that way and not getting as much of T-town as you can. If you're going all-in, stay at the Tempe Mission Palms on 5th Street. It's a swanky joint that's in between Mill Avenue and Sun Devil Stadium (about a block each way) and is stumbling distance from anything you'll need to go to (besides the Fiesta Bowl or NC game). A cheaper but almost as convenient option is the Twin Palms Hotel on Apache Boulevard, which is nice because they have a 24-hour IHOP in the lobby. Otherwise I suggest searching one of those fancy travel websites and look up hotels by proximity to the intersection of 5th Street and Mill Avenue in Tempe. You'll thank me later. If they're all booked you can check with proximity to Downtown Scottsdale, but it'll cost you.

No, you can't take them home with you.

This is one of our specialties at ASU! One of the great things about drinking in Tempe is that the local legislators passed a smoking ban a few years back, leading business owners to install lavish patios and decks for your enjoyment. The bar-closing time in AZ is 2 am, so be sure to plan ahead and make the most of your evenings.

Mill Avenue is the alcoholic crown jewel of the Valley, featuring such mainstay bars as Ra (saki bombers), Rula Bula (Irish), and Mill Cue Club. There are plenty of other refuges from sobriety on this strip, but they change names so often that I don't even kow what they're called anymore. While at Cue Club, try to get a pool table but be sure to order their Monster Long Islands and killer Kamikazes, as both are well priced and contain double the booze you're used to.

There's a spot just off of Mill Ave. called Z-Tejas that features one of the booziest, best tasting drinks of all time: the Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. I typically hate frozen drinks, but this is the exception. Practice saying it, because it can be a mouthful once your BAC gets over a .25- Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. The bar limits each customer to three of these bad boys apiece, but if they're the slightest bit busy they won't argue too much when you slur out that "this was only my second one." Have your group be on one big tab, and you should be safe. They tend to close whenever they feel like it, so be sure to go before 11 or 12.

If you're in town on a Thursday night, be sure to swing by The Vine on Apache Boulevard, just south of campus. They have 32 ounce drafts for $2.75, $2 Jaeger shots, and a brand of karaoke that is more fun than karaoke should be. Many a Thursdays in this establishment end up with folks dancing on chairs, fighting in the parking lot, and puking in the bushes. A friend of mine actually got hit by a car leaving that joint, so watch how you cross. If it's busy and you want to sing, slip Stu (the karaoke guy) a Jaeger shot, it works damn near very time.

Other noted establishments to visit in Tempe include the
Heart Attack Grill. Forget about what you've heard about In N' Out, this place kicks tons of ass. The waitresses are slutty nurses, they fry their potatoes in lard, they sell cigarettes and beer, and their basic burger is a 1/2 lb. bacon cheesburger known as "the bypass." Keep in mind that if you packed your testicles in the suitcase they also offer a double bypass, triple bypass, and quadruple bypass. I recommend them without onions, as they are more than generous with them. While you're in that part of town, make sure to swing by The Tilted Kilt, which is just down Warner Road. Waitresses and bartenders with revealing tops and short short plaid skirts offer you a choice from thirty or so draft beers and at least a dozen plasma big screens. The perfect spot for watching other bowls. Or boobs. Whatever. They may even serve food, I'm really not sure. These two women-oogling joints will leave you saying "fuck Hooters" in no time.

The highlight of any bowl trip to the valley is the Tempe Block party, held on Mill Avenue on new year's eve. It is a collection of has-been bands on numerous stages, but there are plenty of beer gardens and the existing bars on Mill to get you so drunk you can't hear sound. The attendance is typically in the six-figure range, many of which are out of towners sporting the various colors of their alma maters. Be sure to wear team colors for instant bonding with strangers; it will also make you a target for heckling and fights, which is really fun for the locals.

If you prefer club sluts to bar bimbos, downtown Scottsdale is the place for you! Start somewhere low key like Magnum's or Dos Gringos, and then head out to Axis/Radius, Cajun House, Martini Ranch, or the ther clubs in that tiny district. You'll be shocked and awed at the amount of money and plastic surgery that will flash before your very eyes, but most of it isn't as it appears. Keep in mind that Scottsdale is the Joe Dirt Arizona version of Beverly Hills: there's plenty of money there, but they'd be small potatoes in LA. Take a cab take you there if you're staying somewhere else, the driver will know exactly where you should go depending on the night of the week.

Now we're getting down to business. As you may imagine, the local specialty is Maican food, and not that crap covered in chili that you get on a layover at DFW. I could rave for days regarding that various places around town, but the boys at Devil's Digest have already thrashed this topic enough to garner a sticky thread you can view here. Here's a couple of quickies for you in case yu lack the patience to deal wth mesage broad mispelllings.

Macayo's- get the green corn tamales, chicken baja burro, or anything wth baja sauce on it.
Julio's Too- Free chips and salsa, $1.50 drafts (I don't think they've changed that) and the legendary MINI CHIMICHANGAS. If you're at the Insight Bowl, this is a must at halftime. Leave your seat with two minutes left in the half and start sprinting. Order twice as many drafts as you think you can drink and start guzzling- you can finish them, I assure you.
Filiberto's- or any other restaurant that ends in "berto's," really. This is the most authentic Mexican food you'll find in America, and the quality increases with each sip of alcohol. Plus, every one is open 24 hours a day. I recommend going after the bars, and you'll be surprised at how busy they are. Oh, and don't fall asleep at the wheel while in the drive through. They hate that. As for food, try the rolled tacos, flying saucer, chicken burritos, quesadillas, or especially the breakfast burritos. A chorizo burrito with eggs and potatoes is so good it just might cure cancer. Anything there is good, and the portions are huge. If you order the same way you would at Taco Bell, be prepared to throw a lot of food away.
Jack in the Box- a 24 hour fast food place if your system can't handle a Filiberto shit more than one hungover morning per week. Try the tacos, they're fabulous.
The Back Of Some Mexican's Car- Kind of a joke, but kind of not really. If a Mexican-looking fellow offers to sell you food out of his car, buy it. His wife worked hard to make it and it's the same they're eating at home. The best tamales you will ever have in your life, guaranteed. Cheap, too.

The valley also offers up a decent slice of pizza here and there. Pizzeria Bianco in downtown Phoenix garnered an award as the best pizza in the nation, but I wouldn't know since there is never less than a 90 minute wait. The have a wine bar, so if you have the time and patience make the trip. Greasy Tony's at University Dr. and Rural Rd. is the best in Tempe, serving up Jersey-style cheesesteaks and Italian fare that had Rutgers fans raving last year. Also look for Nello's, with several valley locations.

If you're looking to go a little more high-brow when watching other bowl games, check out Coach and Willie's in downtown Phoenix. Leather furniture, kickass steaks, lots of scotches to choose from, and always the highest quality football-watching technology. In fact, they probably have games in Blue-Ray already. Dress nice and bring plenty of moolah.

Other Sights and Scenery
I know you really want to see the Grand Canyon, but unless you're in town for a week it's really not worth it. It's a 4-5 hour drive each way with little in between. If you do decide to go, make sure to stop in historic downtown Flagstaff and visit Flagstaff Brewing Company and Mogollon Brewery (pronounced MO-Gee-on), rival breweries within a block of each other. Flag Brew always makes a good pint and features a single-malt scotch of the month, while Mogollon is known for their incredible Guinness-trumping Imperial Stout. Be sure to be the only kid in Norman/Gainesville/wherever that has a Mogollon t-shirt bearing their slogan "Ale's what cures ya."

The trip to historic Tombstone may also sound appealing, but that's only a good stop on a cross-country trip as that area of Arizona will only seem appealing after driving through Texas for two days. Plus, you'd have to go through Tucson. Yeech.
That town knows so little about bowls that the Copper Bowl moved to the Valley and changed its name to Insight. I understand that you want go to the same saloon where Val Kilmer spewed out those amazing one-liners so many years ago, but if you've listened to anything I've said listen to this: don't go.

If you're a healthy guy that's into exercise, hiking camelback mountain is challenging and presents a change of pace from the elliptical machine...ha ha ha. You'll be waaaay too hungover to be working out on this trip.

It's finally here! ASU is a school that's known by many visitors for being one of the worst in terms of tailgating scenes, but the lot is only as good as the fans who park there. The Arizona sun is a differnt animal than you're used to, so if you're going all day wear some type of sun protection, even if it is December/January. You should be staying in Tempe, so stock up at Top's Liquor on University Drive, three blocks west of Mill Avenue. they have the best selection in the valley in terms of kegs, wines, and rare beers, and they even rent kegerators. It might be a good idea to go early in the week and reserve something if you're looking for more than the crappy 1/2 trashcan and a bud light half-barrel. If there's one thing Glendale has it's plenty of open land, so on-site parking shouldn't be a problem. Use plastic cups and no one should fuck with you. Remember that it's a desert and just because you're peeing in dirt doesn't mean it's going to soak int the soil, so have plenty of potty spots staked out before you really need to go. Option B is to go styrofoam-cooler style, or have a setup like this. The Insight Bowl fans will have a completely different experience, as they can pre-party at all of their favorite Mill Avenue bars with the luxuries of indoor plumbing and professionally prepared food. East Valley, Holla! If you can't go to the big games, go to Mill. All of the bars there rent big screens and projectors, so you should feel right at home. I watched the 2002 OSU-Miami Fiesta Bowl at Rula Bula and it was a blast.

Have fun and avoid the fuzz, as nobody wants to spend February in Tent City. Take good care of my town and it will assuredly take care of you. No couch burning or car flipping, please. The cops shot tear gas at locals after the Diamondbacks won the World Series in 2001, so don't expect them to think twice about firing at a bunch of out-of-towners causing the slightest bit of ruckus. May you win with class and dignity. Good luck and good game, everybody!

Last second edit: They've caught the Baseline killer! You can make the trip and be safe, too!

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Now Hiring

With all of this coaching buzz, I feel like we Sun Devils haven't been enjoying the sound defeat of the University of Arizona Wildcats. Let's pause, shall we?

Ahhhhhh, that's nice.

Anyhoo, I've been trying to wait out the coach-search storm until some things sort out, but it appears that ASU athletic director Lisa Love is keeping things too close to the vest for any pertinent speculation, so we shall do our own. Love has stated that the next Sun Devil coach should have had success in the BCS or NFL- this eliminates more known candidates than it has nominated in the public forum of newspaper articles and message boards. The list of rumored hires that won't make the cut starts with:

Norm Chow: an offensive wizard and powerful QB developer (better than DK in both aspects) that has had a ton of success at USC, not to mention the last few weeks with the Tennessee Titans, but has never been a head coach. Plus, he hates recruiting.

Dave McGinnis: Fiery, passionate coach that would be able to get the team emotionally ready for every game and practice, but his recent head coaching experience consists of the Arizona Cardinals. I don't even have to look it up to know he wasn't successful there. Something about teams in Arizona that wear red, they just can't seem to get the consistent "W's."

Tom O'Brien: Most have never heard of him, but he's the head coach of Boston College. While holding the all-time best career coaching record at BC, he’s done nothing more than flirt with the BCS. He gives the big boys scares, but can't seem to beat more than one a year. He's also apparently known for having at least one of those head-scratching, WTF coaching implosions per year where he loses to a team that has no business even playing Division 1-A college football.

Steve Sarkisian: Pete Carroll's choice for ASU head coach, but again no HC experience there.

Steve Kragthorpe: As a native Oklahoman and the son of a Tulsa alum, NO.

Gary Patterson: Successful, yes, but that whole BCS thing again. We've tried the up-and-comer route before, thank you.

Danny White: I really, really, really shouldn't have to go into this. While he's an ASU legend and the son of another ASU legend, his only coaching experience of any kind is in the Arena League. That should be enough to squelch any thoughts, but the old-timers need convincing otherwise.

As relieved as most should be with this list of cast-offs, the qualified candidate docket should be enough to keep you awake for days at a time, shuddering all the while.

Lou Holtz: Watch ESPN for five minutes and you'll be sucking your thumb in sheer terror.

Mike Martz: Went to a Super Bowl, yes, but has less personality than Dirk Koetter and has already had a stint in Tempe as ASU offensive coordinator under Larry Marmie, a man who fielded some of the worst ASU teams of all time.

Frank Kush: Probably the best coach on this list, no shit. Koetter constantly spoke of Kush's energy and probable ability to coach today. Well today is here and folks don't seem to be lining up at Lisa's office...

Steve Maruicci: Had a cup of playoff coffee as a young head coach in San Francisco but tarnished his resume by foolishly accepting the Lions' HC gig, then staying there until the wheels fell off for Detroit. Again. (Note the subtle pun: wheels, motor city, Detroit, I'm brilliant.)

Larry Coker: Yeah. Right. Miami turns away as many blue chippers as they sign in any given recruiting cycle, and this guy still ended up in a bowl game in Boise.

Barry Alvarez: The TV job must be boring, and he was a consistent winner at Wisco. Even if he is the Rick Majerus of football.

Mike Price: Multiple years in El Paso should be enough penance for killing a stripper, let alone nailing one. The guy has had to recruit to Pullman Washington and UTEP, making Tempe look like some combination of heaven and Ibiza.

Bruce Snyder and John Cooper: Lumped together since it's the same joke. Former ASU HC's that have been to the Rose Bowl but not much else.

Gary Barnett: Get ready for Loren Wade and Hakim Hill, Part II. Yet still, conference championships are conference championships.

Dennis Erickson: Leap-frogging coach constantly accused of winning with other coaches' players, but still an outstanding record. Has the street rep of a thug/cheater that has followed him since the Pell Grant scandal broke at Miami under his watch. Doesn't exactly fit Crow and Love's "Vision of the Future."

So there have to be other candidates out there, right? At least one or two that would (or even could) do well in Tempe? There still remains the Herb Sendek angle: successful guys that are sick of rabid fan bases bitching about 10-2 seasons. These are probably pipe dreams, but they exist…

Kirk Ferentz: Supposed to challenge OSU and Michigan for the Big 10 title, but fell on his face with a 6-6 record at Iowa. He also helped ASU soar to victory the last time he coached at Sun Devil Stadium.

Mark Richt: I’m really reaching here, but the Dawg fans of Georgia have been within a win or two of greatness every year since Richt’s arrival, and it has to be getting old. Holding on against West Virginia in last year’s Sugar Bowl isn’t exactly a dream date for most Athenians, and hopefully this season’s 8-4 mark (another pun, HA!) is enough to have the locals wish him the best on his way to Tempe. I can dream, right?

And the coaches I’d love to have but are realistically unattainable (in no particular order):

Bill Belichick
Bill Parcells
Steve Spurrier
Urban Meyer
Bear Bryant
Bob Stoops
Barry Switzer

Bud Wilkinson
Jimmy Johnson
Bobby Bowden
Butch Davis
Vince Lombardi
Pop Warner

Amos Alonzo Stagg
Red Blaik

"God, Family, and the Arizona State Sun Devils."

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