Tuesday, December 05, 2006

 

Now Hiring

With all of this coaching buzz, I feel like we Sun Devils haven't been enjoying the sound defeat of the University of Arizona Wildcats. Let's pause, shall we?


Ahhhhhh, that's nice.

Anyhoo, I've been trying to wait out the coach-search storm until some things sort out, but it appears that ASU athletic director Lisa Love is keeping things too close to the vest for any pertinent speculation, so we shall do our own. Love has stated that the next Sun Devil coach should have had success in the BCS or NFL- this eliminates more known candidates than it has nominated in the public forum of newspaper articles and message boards. The list of rumored hires that won't make the cut starts with:

Norm Chow: an offensive wizard and powerful QB developer (better than DK in both aspects) that has had a ton of success at USC, not to mention the last few weeks with the Tennessee Titans, but has never been a head coach. Plus, he hates recruiting.

Dave McGinnis: Fiery, passionate coach that would be able to get the team emotionally ready for every game and practice, but his recent head coaching experience consists of the Arizona Cardinals. I don't even have to look it up to know he wasn't successful there. Something about teams in Arizona that wear red, they just can't seem to get the consistent "W's."

Tom O'Brien: Most have never heard of him, but he's the head coach of Boston College. While holding the all-time best career coaching record at BC, he’s done nothing more than flirt with the BCS. He gives the big boys scares, but can't seem to beat more than one a year. He's also apparently known for having at least one of those head-scratching, WTF coaching implosions per year where he loses to a team that has no business even playing Division 1-A college football.

Steve Sarkisian: Pete Carroll's choice for ASU head coach, but again no HC experience there.

Steve Kragthorpe: As a native Oklahoman and the son of a Tulsa alum, NO.

Gary Patterson: Successful, yes, but that whole BCS thing again. We've tried the up-and-comer route before, thank you.

Danny White: I really, really, really shouldn't have to go into this. While he's an ASU legend and the son of another ASU legend, his only coaching experience of any kind is in the Arena League. That should be enough to squelch any thoughts, but the old-timers need convincing otherwise.


As relieved as most should be with this list of cast-offs, the qualified candidate docket should be enough to keep you awake for days at a time, shuddering all the while.

Lou Holtz: Watch ESPN for five minutes and you'll be sucking your thumb in sheer terror.

Mike Martz: Went to a Super Bowl, yes, but has less personality than Dirk Koetter and has already had a stint in Tempe as ASU offensive coordinator under Larry Marmie, a man who fielded some of the worst ASU teams of all time.

Frank Kush: Probably the best coach on this list, no shit. Koetter constantly spoke of Kush's energy and probable ability to coach today. Well today is here and folks don't seem to be lining up at Lisa's office...

Steve Maruicci: Had a cup of playoff coffee as a young head coach in San Francisco but tarnished his resume by foolishly accepting the Lions' HC gig, then staying there until the wheels fell off for Detroit. Again. (Note the subtle pun: wheels, motor city, Detroit, I'm brilliant.)

Larry Coker: Yeah. Right. Miami turns away as many blue chippers as they sign in any given recruiting cycle, and this guy still ended up in a bowl game in Boise.

Barry Alvarez: The TV job must be boring, and he was a consistent winner at Wisco. Even if he is the Rick Majerus of football.

Mike Price: Multiple years in El Paso should be enough penance for killing a stripper, let alone nailing one. The guy has had to recruit to Pullman Washington and UTEP, making Tempe look like some combination of heaven and Ibiza.

Bruce Snyder and John Cooper: Lumped together since it's the same joke. Former ASU HC's that have been to the Rose Bowl but not much else.

Gary Barnett: Get ready for Loren Wade and Hakim Hill, Part II. Yet still, conference championships are conference championships.

Dennis Erickson: Leap-frogging coach constantly accused of winning with other coaches' players, but still an outstanding record. Has the street rep of a thug/cheater that has followed him since the Pell Grant scandal broke at Miami under his watch. Doesn't exactly fit Crow and Love's "Vision of the Future."

So there have to be other candidates out there, right? At least one or two that would (or even could) do well in Tempe? There still remains the Herb Sendek angle: successful guys that are sick of rabid fan bases bitching about 10-2 seasons. These are probably pipe dreams, but they exist…

Kirk Ferentz: Supposed to challenge OSU and Michigan for the Big 10 title, but fell on his face with a 6-6 record at Iowa. He also helped ASU soar to victory the last time he coached at Sun Devil Stadium.

Mark Richt: I’m really reaching here, but the Dawg fans of Georgia have been within a win or two of greatness every year since Richt’s arrival, and it has to be getting old. Holding on against West Virginia in last year’s Sugar Bowl isn’t exactly a dream date for most Athenians, and hopefully this season’s 8-4 mark (another pun, HA!) is enough to have the locals wish him the best on his way to Tempe. I can dream, right?

And the coaches I’d love to have but are realistically unattainable (in no particular order):

Bill Belichick
Bill Parcells
Steve Spurrier
Urban Meyer
Bear Bryant
Bob Stoops
Barry Switzer

Bud Wilkinson
Jimmy Johnson
Bobby Bowden
Butch Davis
Vince Lombardi
Pop Warner

Amos Alonzo Stagg
Red Blaik

"God, Family, and the Arizona State Sun Devils."

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Please tell me your AD has a doctorate. Please. God, that would be awesome.

Dr. Love -- all you need for your football ills.
 
Unfortunately she's not the honey that ought to be running things at ASU.

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In an invitation sent to the news media Friday, Yahoo promised to unveil "something special" late Monday in New York. The event is being held two miles from [url=http://www.agoshow.net/Phillies-6-Ryan-Howard-Blue-2010-All-Star-Jerseys-53/]Phillies 6 Ryan Howard Blue 2010 All Star Jerseys[/url] Tumblr s headquarters.

Tumblr is enormously popular with teens and young adults, a key demographic that Yahoo must reach to pull itself out of a prolonged slump.

Founded in 2007, Tumblr has ridden its popularity to acclaim but has failed to establish a thriving advertising business.

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The Los Angeles Times contributed


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