The House Of Heat

It's fuzzy but it's fo' real!

ASU is fourth in the BCS for doing nothing more this week than sippin' on purple drank and scroggin' bitches during their bye week. During undergrad I lived across the street from a few footballers just off of Hardy Drive. On bye week Saturday they went around to all of the houses in the immediate vicinity and let us know that they were having a party and politely asked that we speak to them and not the police regarding any noise complaints. It was one of those ridiculous parties like you see in the movies with extraordinarily hot ladies and gigantic muscle-filled gentlemen stumbling and vomiting on the front lawn. They didn't invite us, oh by the way.

So what did you do for your bye week?

Sometimes you wake up with the urge to do something superbly stupid, like buying a case of everclear and looking up your old fraternity brother who just got moved from an ATF watch list to a work-release program. While I'm not that crazy (because that guy really exists in real life) I did manage to create a similarly self-destructive scenario by teaming up with an Arkansas alum and showing the local Seminoles how to party by arriving on campus at 3 a.m. and throwing a 24 hour tailgate. No hangover today but the legs are sore after standing for nearly 28 hours, including one of the better football games I've ever witnessed. Too bad for you it was regionally televised, because it was a doozy. Miami fans are the worst group of people since the fall of the third reich, and they make U of A fans look like the service staff at your local Ritz-Carlton. To top it all off, none of them even went to school there.

Cal's loss at UCLA may hurt ASU's strength of schedule, but the Bears will come rolling in to town on Saturday playing like a wounded animal. ASU will have a target on it's back and he nation's eyes will be on Tempe, seeing if this supposed paper tiger can really play against a good team. The defense will have its' hands full with a recovered Nate Longshore, DeSean Jackson, and Justin Forsett. Saturday would be a good time for this team to come out firing and play all four quarters. We shall see.

And finally, former ASU baseballer Dustin Pedroia had plenty of fun after his Red Sox clinched the ALDS (picture from loljocks.blogspot.com).

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, movie references, surrounded by morons, tailgating

They were the best of times, they were... I think they were the best, hell if I remember. Today marks move-in day at ASU, the first day the dorms are open for thousands of wide-eyed, hormone-filled 18 year-olds. It's important for these n00bs to get socially acclimated and to network, because ASU is a big place and it's easy to get lost in the fold. (a VTech joke is tempting, but not now)

During my beer bong-filled days in Tempe, our fraternity set the standard for these bashes, commonly called pre-school parties. The prefix "pre" indicating that it happened before school started, not that we dressed in diapers and drank out of sippy-cups, you sick fuck. (can't wait to see what pervs google brings to this site now) On move-in day, our brotherhood "volunteered" our services to help these poor young folks move their crap into their state-issued cells, and as an additional service to them we extended a warm welcome into our home, but only after their parents left.

We then proceeded to Osco, the best stop for wicked-cheap domestic beer. Of all the rules we broke, the only one we always managed to follow was the no-keg rule. Still baffles me. Osco usually had one of the lowest rung beers absurdly cheap- Red Dog, Icehouse, Keystone Light, Milwaukee's Best. Multiple brothers with pickup trucks and SUV's caravanned around town to several Osco's, buying their entire stock of whatever was on special. We always skipped Jerry's Drive-Thru because no matter how much beer we got ahead of time, we always had to make another run around 11 pm and that was the closest stop.

We would unload everything back at the house into our galvanized horse trough and crank the stereo. Kids would start flowing through the door in no time flat, and if the numbers weren't good enough we'd go dormstorming. The Manzy smoke circle was usually a good place to find kids looking to get fucked up, and several of those kids became fraternity brothers. The cops usually showed up at 2 am to break the thing up, but by then over 1,000 people (no shit) had come and gone and we were out of free beer anyway.

These parties were home to some of the most outlandish things I've ever seen, and I've been to Bonaroo. Naked girls dancing on tables, two-story beer bongs, fistfights, crowdsurfing, and a close friend of mine had sex with three chicks at the same time (didn't even have a million dollars). If anyone reading this came and had a good time, you're welcome. I hope you got laid. We would clean up the empty cups and cans with a pushbroom and drink our private stashes of booze until dawn.

The south campus landscape has drastically changed since our reign- and we did reign, if only for one week per year- but where do the kids go now? The fraternity houses are gone, so are the n00bs having keggers in the dorms? Secret house parties? ASU Resedential Life went so far as to ban solicitation during move-in thanks to us, so how do you find these soirees? ASU slipped from Playboy's #1 to #3 party school after I left town, is this why? With an already weak Greek system and a president that frowns on that sort of thing, how do people get involved in the scene? Fake ID machines or something? I guess I am truly out of touch.

In honor of this glorious holiday, I'm drinking ferociously and watching PCU, trying to vicariously relive the glory days of partydom. If you're an undergrad and reading this, ru away from the computer, find a bum to buy you some booze, find a chick, and get ripped together until your clothes fall off. It's the one true Sun Devil tradition.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, I'm a big fatass

Hot diggity, today is the first day of practice! I don't know if this was a Koetter thing or what, but if you're planning on going to practice make sure to call ahead at (480) 965-5053 and get approval to attend. The boys are at Kajikawa Practice Facility (Rural and 6th, Tempe) this week before heading to Camp T next Wednesday.

Even though the mainstream media gets a lot of flack here in the blogosphere, the Valley outlets have been on the ball and done some impressive stuff. In addition to everything mentioned yesterday, Dan Zeiger of the East Valley Tribune does a preview of fall camp and addresses the top 10 questions facing the Sun Devil program. I was actually very taken by this quip of original thought from the first question, addressing the transition from Koetter to Erickson:

Something to watch — though, if it emerges, it will likely not be during the preseason — is how the Sun Devils respond to their coach’s let-players-be-players philosophy. Although Erickson preaches accountability, could ASU choke on the freedoms he gives?

It lends itself to the preconceived notions that Erickson runs a thug program and that trouble brews out of his jetwash after he leaves a particular program, but the point is very valid. I could make the argument that one of the reasons my Fall '98 g.p.a. was a robust 0.67 was that I had too much free time to swill Killian's at the Vine and (theoretically) do bong hits on the roof of my house until 5 am. Just sayin'.

Over at the big paper, Jeff Metcalfe does an excellent job (as usual) of previewing some of the newer faces that will be big-time contributors this year including both newcomers and guys who have worked their way up the depth chart. He also pens a short piece on the coaching change and notes that Omar Bolden, the potential savior of the #2 corner position, will be allowed to practice. Per the same article I'm also stunned to find that the nephew of the O.G. Rudy is an ASU baseball recruit.

Coming soon to Packard Stadium: whiny pipsqueak.

I don't know if it's the coaching change bringing new life to the program or that everybody really hated Koetter for being a jerk to the media, but even the local radio shows are getting on the Sun Devil bandwagon more than usual. KTAR has archived interviews with both Rudy Carpenter and Coach Erickson, and XTRA 910 has an additional hour-long interview with Carp (it's in 4 different parts). For the record I think XTRA's Bickley and Jurecki are twits and KTAR's Doug and Wolf are even worse, but it's nice to hear directly from the guys that are putting the work in to make things better on Saturdays this fall.

Coach E (can we start calling him Eazy-E?) is charismatic and easy to like, but I feel like I'm being set up for a letdown- the more I admire him, the more I know he's going to break my heart even worse, like retiring and leaving us on double-secret probation. Oh well, a smarter feller than myself once said, "tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Just get ASU to the BCS, that's all I ask. You can get more of Eazy's charm and wit by watching the video of Pac-10 Media day. After the link, click on "archived video"underneath Sparky and the site may require a brief and free registration.

Rudy comes off... like Koetter I guess- not to be insulting, but he's very cerebral and calculated. He sounds like he's coming to grips with who he is and who he needs to be as the leader of this team. He has a fragile psyche reliant upon confidence, which it sounds like he has regained after working with Eazy-E all spring and summer and attending the Manning Passing Academy as an instructor, where NFL scouts told him he has one of the most accurate balls in college today. He said he also really valued being able to pick Peyton Manning's brain at every available opportunity. That confidence will have time to solidify thanks to the home-heavy and soft early season schedule. What will be important is how he rebounds after a bad game or a loss. The playbook will be easier for players to grasp (I'm looking at you, wide receivers) since there's only one for the entire season- apparently Koetter used a different one for each week depending on the opponent.

Erickson's offense allows Carpenter to be more instinctive and quick-thinking as a quarterback rather than over-scheming and removing that intuitiveness that makes good quarterbacks great. Carp's also extremely happy that Offensive Coordinator Rich Olson isn't trying to change his throwing mechanics. He says he wants to “go back to how I was, how Jake [Plummer]was- just playing football.”

The interviews aren't all nuts and bolts. Rudy joked that he and the receivers have been working on end zone celebrations and that new kicker Thomas Weber needs to get ready to kick 35-yard extra points. On the upcoming season, he's looking forward to redeeming himself after last year's piss-poor performance against Cal and the Thanksgiving game against USC is circled on everyone's calendar, although they are all aware of the importance of the in-state rivalry.

“The biggest game for me every year is always UofA” Carpenter added, but after speaking of the emergence of the running game as a strength, he made the quote of the week: “I might not have a lot of TD passes this year but I’ll probably have about 5 or 6 against UofA.” Yippee!

See, the mainstream isn't so bad. I'm a total linkwhore for Everyday Should Be Saturday, but their site is down right now since they have server issues. Do you think espn ever has that problem? I think not. Eh, fuck that shit. On a final note, I have a new must-read-daily fanboy crush on another blog, Kissing Suzy Kolber. It takes "crude" to an artistic level and it's good enough that it actually makes me care about the NFL and fantasy football. Their pop-culture references make me look like a boorish 50-something golf-playing husband and they host a weekly reader's mock draft that's fucking spectacular. Pothead Simpsons fans really make the best journalists, after all.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, blog links, Dirk's a horse's ass, Greatest Fark Evah, hatred for the 4-letter network, I miss college, QnA, Shut up Carp, the new era

Labels: dirty icky recruiting, hoops, I miss college, message board nonsense, movie references, regular old crackers

No, not the halftime bar upstairs from Julio's Too. You're thinking of Fumbles. Not the skeezy local bar on Tybee Island, either. Today we continue our countdown of ten ASU scandals not quite as bad as the Loren Wade/Brandon Faulkner situation.

Honorable mention part II: Eddie House, basketball, 1995-1999. Best joke on campus in the fall of 1997: Hey, did you know that Eddie House leads the team in steals? He got a CD player, a bike, a car...yada yada yada. House stole a CD player from a freshman girl's Manzanita dorm room, but he doesn't crack the top ten as this was merely an exclamation point at the end of the Bill Frieder era at ASU. More on this later in the week, but Bill Frieder's legacy lived on even after the FBI chased him out.



#9: Ryan Kealy, football, 1996-2000. A guy that will go down as one of the most hated football players in ASU history, Kealy was known on the field for sailing passes, ruptured knee tendons, and a quality of play that actually got worse as time went on. Off the field, he was known to be a drunken moron, a man-whore, and a big fan of the booger sugar. At parties, fellow players were known to make fun of him- not exactly what you want to hear about a team leader. Kealy was pulled over in the middle of the intersection of Rio Salado Parkway and Packard Drive, barefoot, drunk, and hopped up on pain killers from yet another knee surgery. When the cop approached the vehicle and gave the standard line of questioning, Kealy offered this classic quote: "I ain't trippin'. I got a good lawyer. My dad is a big baller. Let's go, let's roll." Kealy planned to apply for a 6th year of eligibility, but the newly hired Dirk Koetter told him not to bother as he wouldn't be allowed on the team.

#8: Connor Banks, football, 2001-2004. In April 2004 Pat Tillman was killed in Afghanistan and was immediately dubbed an American hero for the sacrifices he made to defend his country. Banks wore number 42 at the time, and even though plans had been made to retire Tillman's #42 at season's end, Banks would be allowed to wear it during his senior season and he would also lead the team out of the tunnel before each game while carrying the American flag. Here's the quote from Banks regarding the honor:

"I feel so much pride for what he has done for the community and this nation. For him to give up his football career and go overseas to fight for his country and fight for what he feels is right is a great thing for the nation."

In June 2004, less than two months after the aforementioned incidents, Banks was arrested for DUI, criminal damage, driving across a median, and striking a fixture on the highway. He blew a .27 BAC and was so drunk that he drove his SUV into his Scottsdale apartment building. Banks had a lackluster senior year while wearing jersey number 58.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, the offseason sucks, thug life

With my man crush on Sam Keller in full force after Rudy Carpenter opened his big mouth, it's good to see Sam the Man in the news. If you're desperate enough for football content to come to my typo-ridden corner of the blogosphere, you probably already know that my boy SK was cited for disturbing the peace yesterday in Lincoln.

Yeah. It's pretty hard to joke about this one since the actual incident is so ridiculous, but the hits keep a comin' from the net. EDSBS' post fefatures the video for "Move" by Ludacris, but my fave so far is from Cactus Rancher "Sun Devil 916" with this gem of a zinger (mmm...donuts):

He had won the parking spot first, only to have it given to someone else later. No word yet on if he will be transferring parking lots after the incident.

Someone pointed out how feasible this really is when you look at ASU's parking prices for the upcoming academic years, but the kicker of the entire incident is that the magic bullet of a cup is already on ebay. Yay Capitalism!

So yeah, it's a short story and there's nothing much else going on...what the hell. How about a pic of proud ASU alum Victoria Thornton!

Go Devils!

Labels: ASU alumni, I miss college, message board nonsense, regular old crackers, Shut up Carp, we're sorry Sam Keller

Labels: ASU alumni, I miss college, tailgating

I've never been to Louisiana. I once had plans to go, but they were foiled at the last minute by circumstances beyond my control. After seeing this video, I desperately want to go there now more than ever. I also wish I had taken my time in school and not graduated so soon. Commence.

Labels: I miss college, tailgating

Congrats to all of you Gators, Buckeyes, Sooners, Broncos, and whoever the hell is playing in the Insight Bowl. You have had successful enough seasons to land you in a bowl game in the Valley of the Sun. Since there isn't much going on in Sun Devil Land outside of the coaching carousel, I'll fill you all in on where to go and how to have a little fun in the Metro Phoenix area.

First, you'll be flying into Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. This is only one airport, but it is the perfect introduction to Arizona's passion for over-naming things, particularly when it comes to public works projects. The freeways can be especially confusing, but here is a quick breakdown:

Red Mountain freeway= AZ 202
Superstition freeway= US 60
Piestewa Peak Parkway/Squaw Peak expressway= AZ 51*
Black Canyon Highway= I-17
I-10 South= I-10 EAST**
I-10 North= I-10 WEST**

*- Squaw Peak was renamed Piestewa Peak after the female POW killed in Afghnistan.
**- Interstate 10 runs East-West from Jacksonville, FL to Los Angeles, CA with the exception of the area in between Tucson and Phoenix, which are geographically North and South from one another. Arizonans are notoriously geocentric.

Don't think for a second you can make this trip without renting a car. The vast majority of the Phoenix area was consructed after World War II and is therefore built at the scale of the automobile. By land area it is the largest city in the world, and there is no reliable public transit to speak of. Get a car, and do it right by tailgating on gameday and enjoy the gorgeous desert winter (feel free to be unimpressed, Gators). More on that in a moment. Also, be sure to pack at least one sweatshirt and pair of jeans; it surprises some that it gets a little chilly at night in the desert.

Lodging
There really isn't any reason not to stay in Tempe, even if the game is in Glendale. The west side of town (where Glendale is) is a vast wasteland of strip mall establishments and it lacks any originality and culture. The most "southwestern" thing you'll find in Glendale is Chili's, and you can get those scrumptious egg rolls and baby back ribs anywhere. Tempe is home to Arizona State University and their collection of magnificent coeds and bars; quite frankly you'd kick yourself for going all that way and not getting as much of T-town as you can. If you're going all-in, stay at the Tempe Mission Palms on 5th Street. It's a swanky joint that's in between Mill Avenue and Sun Devil Stadium (about a block each way) and is stumbling distance from anything you'll need to go to (besides the Fiesta Bowl or NC game). A cheaper but almost as convenient option is the Twin Palms Hotel on Apache Boulevard, which is nice because they have a 24-hour IHOP in the lobby. Otherwise I suggest searching one of those fancy travel websites and look up hotels by proximity to the intersection of 5th Street and Mill Avenue in Tempe. You'll thank me later. If they're all booked you can check with proximity to Downtown Scottsdale, but it'll cost you.

No, you can't take them home with you.

Booze
This is one of our specialties at ASU! One of the great things about drinking in Tempe is that the local legislators passed a smoking ban a few years back, leading business owners to install lavish patios and decks for your enjoyment. The bar-closing time in AZ is 2 am, so be sure to plan ahead and make the most of your evenings.

Mill Avenue is the alcoholic crown jewel of the Valley, featuring such mainstay bars as Ra (saki bombers), Rula Bula (Irish), and Mill Cue Club. There are plenty of other refuges from sobriety on this strip, but they change names so often that I don't even kow what they're called anymore. While at Cue Club, try to get a pool table but be sure to order their Monster Long Islands and killer Kamikazes, as both are well priced and contain double the booze you're used to.

There's a spot just off of Mill Ave. called Z-Tejas that features one of the booziest, best tasting drinks of all time: the Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. I typically hate frozen drinks, but this is the exception. Practice saying it, because it can be a mouthful once your BAC gets over a .25- Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. The bar limits each customer to three of these bad boys apiece, but if they're the slightest bit busy they won't argue too much when you slur out that "this was only my second one." Have your group be on one big tab, and you should be safe. They tend to close whenever they feel like it, so be sure to go before 11 or 12.

If you're in town on a Thursday night, be sure to swing by The Vine on Apache Boulevard, just south of campus. They have 32 ounce drafts for $2.75, $2 Jaeger shots, and a brand of karaoke that is more fun than karaoke should be. Many a Thursdays in this establishment end up with folks dancing on chairs, fighting in the parking lot, and puking in the bushes. A friend of mine actually got hit by a car leaving that joint, so watch how you cross. If it's busy and you want to sing, slip Stu (the karaoke guy) a Jaeger shot, it works damn near very time.

Other noted establishments to visit in Tempe include the Heart Attack Grill. Forget about what you've heard about In N' Out, this place kicks tons of ass. The waitresses are slutty nurses, they fry their potatoes in lard, they sell cigarettes and beer, and their basic burger is a 1/2 lb. bacon cheesburger known as "the bypass." Keep in mind that if you packed your testicles in the suitcase they also offer a double bypass, triple bypass, and quadruple bypass. I recommend them without onions, as they are more than generous with them. While you're in that part of town, make sure to swing by The Tilted Kilt, which is just down Warner Road. Waitresses and bartenders with revealing tops and short short plaid skirts offer you a choice from thirty or so draft beers and at least a dozen plasma big screens. The perfect spot for watching other bowls. Or boobs. Whatever. They may even serve food, I'm really not sure. These two women-oogling joints will leave you saying "fuck Hooters" in no time.

The highlight of any bowl trip to the valley is the Tempe Block party, held on Mill Avenue on new year's eve. It is a collection of has-been bands on numerous stages, but there are plenty of beer gardens and the existing bars on Mill to get you so drunk you can't hear sound. The attendance is typically in the six-figure range, many of which are out of towners sporting the various colors of their alma maters. Be sure to wear team colors for instant bonding with strangers; it will also make you a target for heckling and fights, which is really fun for the locals.

If you prefer club sluts to bar bimbos, downtown Scottsdale is the place for you! Start somewhere low key like Magnum's or Dos Gringos, and then head out to Axis/Radius, Cajun House, Martini Ranch, or the ther clubs in that tiny district. You'll be shocked and awed at the amount of money and plastic surgery that will flash before your very eyes, but most of it isn't as it appears. Keep in mind that Scottsdale is the Joe Dirt Arizona version of Beverly Hills: there's plenty of money there, but they'd be small potatoes in LA. Take a cab take you there if you're staying somewhere else, the driver will know exactly where you should go depending on the night of the week.

Grub
Now we're getting down to business. As you may imagine, the local specialty is Maican food, and not that crap covered in chili that you get on a layover at DFW. I could rave for days regarding that various places around town, but the boys at Devil's Digest have already thrashed this topic enough to garner a sticky thread you can view here. Here's a couple of quickies for you in case yu lack the patience to deal wth mesage broad mispelllings.

Macayo's- get the green corn tamales, chicken baja burro, or anything wth baja sauce on it.
Julio's Too- Free chips and salsa, $1.50 drafts (I don't think they've changed that) and the legendary MINI CHIMICHANGAS. If you're at the Insight Bowl, this is a must at halftime. Leave your seat with two minutes left in the half and start sprinting. Order twice as many drafts as you think you can drink and start guzzling- you can finish them, I assure you.
Filiberto's- or any other restaurant that ends in "berto's," really. This is the most authentic Mexican food you'll find in America, and the quality increases with each sip of alcohol. Plus, every one is open 24 hours a day. I recommend going after the bars, and you'll be surprised at how busy they are. Oh, and don't fall asleep at the wheel while in the drive through. They hate that. As for food, try the rolled tacos, flying saucer, chicken burritos, quesadillas, or especially the breakfast burritos. A chorizo burrito with eggs and potatoes is so good it just might cure cancer. Anything there is good, and the portions are huge. If you order the same way you would at Taco Bell, be prepared to throw a lot of food away.
Jack in the Box- a 24 hour fast food place if your system can't handle a Filiberto shit more than one hungover morning per week. Try the tacos, they're fabulous.
The Back Of Some Mexican's Car- Kind of a joke, but kind of not really. If a Mexican-looking fellow offers to sell you food out of his car, buy it. His wife worked hard to make it and it's the same they're eating at home. The best tamales you will ever have in your life, guaranteed. Cheap, too.

The valley also offers up a decent slice of pizza here and there. Pizzeria Bianco in downtown Phoenix garnered an award as the best pizza in the nation, but I wouldn't know since there is never less than a 90 minute wait. The have a wine bar, so if you have the time and patience make the trip. Greasy Tony's at University Dr. and Rural Rd. is the best in Tempe, serving up Jersey-style cheesesteaks and Italian fare that had Rutgers fans raving last year. Also look for Nello's, with several valley locations.

If you're looking to go a little more high-brow when watching other bowl games, check out Coach and Willie's in downtown Phoenix. Leather furniture, kickass steaks, lots of scotches to choose from, and always the highest quality football-watching technology. In fact, they probably have games in Blue-Ray already. Dress nice and bring plenty of moolah.

Other Sights and Scenery
I know you really want to see the Grand Canyon, but unless you're in town for a week it's really not worth it. It's a 4-5 hour drive each way with little in between. If you do decide to go, make sure to stop in historic downtown Flagstaff and visit Flagstaff Brewing Company and Mogollon Brewery (pronounced MO-Gee-on), rival breweries within a block of each other. Flag Brew always makes a good pint and features a single-malt scotch of the month, while Mogollon is known for their incredible Guinness-trumping Imperial Stout. Be sure to be the only kid in Norman/Gainesville/wherever that has a Mogollon t-shirt bearing their slogan "Ale's what cures ya."

The trip to historic Tombstone may also sound appealing, but that's only a good stop on a cross-country trip as that area of Arizona will only seem appealing after driving through Texas for two days. Plus, you'd have to go through Tucson. Yeech. That town knows so little about bowls that the Copper Bowl moved to the Valley and changed its name to Insight. I understand that you want go to the same saloon where Val Kilmer spewed out those amazing one-liners so many years ago, but if you've listened to anything I've said listen to this: don't go.

If you're a healthy guy that's into exercise, hiking camelback mountain is challenging and presents a change of pace from the elliptical machine...ha ha ha. You'll be waaaay too hungover to be working out on this trip.

Gameday
It's finally here! ASU is a school that's known by many visitors for being one of the worst in terms of tailgating scenes, but the lot is only as good as the fans who park there. The Arizona sun is a differnt animal than you're used to, so if you're going all day wear some type of sun protection, even if it is December/January. You should be staying in Tempe, so stock up at Top's Liquor on University Drive, three blocks west of Mill Avenue. they have the best selection in the valley in terms of kegs, wines, and rare beers, and they even rent kegerators. It might be a good idea to go early in the week and reserve something if you're looking for more than the crappy 1/2 trashcan and a bud light half-barrel. If there's one thing Glendale has it's plenty of open land, so on-site parking shouldn't be a problem. Use plastic cups and no one should fuck with you. Remember that it's a desert and just because you're peeing in dirt doesn't mean it's going to soak int the soil, so have plenty of potty spots staked out before you really need to go. Option B is to go styrofoam-cooler style, or have a setup like this. The Insight Bowl fans will have a completely different experience, as they can pre-party at all of their favorite Mill Avenue bars with the luxuries of indoor plumbing and professionally prepared food. East Valley, Holla! If you can't go to the big games, go to Mill. All of the bars there rent big screens and projectors, so you should feel right at home. I watched the 2002 OSU-Miami Fiesta Bowl at Rula Bula and it was a blast.

Have fun and avoid the fuzz, as nobody wants to spend February in Tent City. Take good care of my town and it will assuredly take care of you. No couch burning or car flipping, please. The cops shot tear gas at locals after the Diamondbacks won the World Series in 2001, so don't expect them to think twice about firing at a bunch of out-of-towners causing the slightest bit of ruckus. May you win with class and dignity. Good luck and good game, everybody!


Last second edit: They've caught the Baseline killer! You can make the trip and be safe, too!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, I'm a big fatass, rivalry rants, tailgating

Some special thanks and commendations are in order regarding Saturday's trip to Tucson. Expect a completely different post regarding the actual game within a day or so.

The Goose officially holds the title of the patron saint of less drunk than the rest of us. Thanks for driving, big guy. You truly are a gentlemen.

Tommy did a kegstand... in the back of a moving vehicle. He did a lot more- 20 or so- but that first one was special for its physics/law defying grandeur. Also note that he woke up drunk on Saturday and was still toasted when we hit the road that morning, adding style and difficulty points. That should make up for the last three he attempted when he promptly fell on his face.


The tailgate lot at the intersection of Speedway and Cherry was a good mix of ASU and UA fans, with the latter being surprisingly cordial. The ASU fans were obviously better looking, in greater numbers, better drinkers, cooks and tailgaters, but I was seriously shocked at how nice the kitties were this year. I had more than one civil conversations regarding the game, the rivalry as a whole, and life in general with folks wearing red, and I even posed for a picture with one. I subtly gave the guy the finger in the photo, but that's neither here nor there.

In another instance, one UA chick showed up and was mouthy out of the gate, even stooping so low as to drop the "when was the last time you got laid?" smack. A response of "six hours before my flight" shut her up, but she returned for what appeared to be more when out of nowhere she gave me a hug. She apologized for her earlier actions, wished us a good game, and went back to her lawn chair and cooler. Less than a half-hour later she fell over drunk and was put into the car by her boyfriend who promptly drove her away. We're pretty sure she didn't make it to the game, and we all wished for a camcorder when her face hit asphalt.

We were seated in front of several guys in red/blue face paint for the game all the while hoping we weren't going to be sent to jail for assault, especially after the stories I've heard about Mexican jail. We took our seats and stood early and often with excitement as ASU rattled off big play after big play, and we eventually just stayed up awaiting the standard "down in front" heckle. It never came to my surprise as the painted men simply stood behind us in silence, as 33 rushing yards will do that to a fan. Trust me, I know. Again, cordial UA fans? I don't believe it either and am seriously considering researching the gluttonous consumption of copious amounts of alcohol and its short term effects on hearing. Look for it in the January/February edition of JAMA.

The much maligned and oft picked-on Keno Walter-White is a pretty f'ing cool guy. As we were about to leave our perch above the ASU players' tunnel KWW popped out of nowhere with the Territorial Cup. In a drunken slur I asked to hold it with the certainty that I would be declined but he responded with a "Hell yeah!" Shocked as I was, I reverted to my roots as a hockey player by lifting the silver vessel high, then kissing it. One of the team trainers was cordial enough to get Keno, the cup, and the rest of us in a group photo. Yay us, and shame on the rest of the group for heading to the car.
Tommy managed to evade a small mass of police officers and jump the fence on to the field, and he was able to go all over the place without being too conspicuous. If you review the game film, look for him popping over the shoulder of MVP Ryan Torain during his post-game interview.

The aforementioned Tommy received a hero's welcome when we got back to te tailgate lot. Aparently some folks had been so impressed with his, er, drunkedness that they waited there to say goodbye and good luck. I didn't even bother to ask why.

On the drive home we listened to the radio broadcast of ASU's stunning basketball victory over Iowa. We pulled into Casa Grande for dinner and announced the win to a restaurant filled with gold t-shirts and the place erupted. There may be something building at WFA, now if we can just get some people to go to the games the Sun Devil hoopsters may really get rolling.

I don't have a single complaint about the entire trip. No one got arrested or hurt, which is always a positive. It was a truly stunning day to watch ASU claim it's sixth Territorial Cup in eight years. Thanks to all who to contributed.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, hoops, I miss college, I'm a big fatass, rivalry rants, tailgating, UA morons

Gotta take care of the personal stuff first. A hundred thanks to Dan for hosting Avalanche FUBAR, a group of six on a conquest of copious amounts of alcohol. Really glad Garrett and Pat could make it, especially since Pat and I now have our own fight song. Drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky FIGHT! Drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky FIGHT! Kudos to Garrett for spending the night with a bachelorette party, f'in slut. Steph and Kim were troopers and should gain sainthood for tolerating the other four of us for the entire weekend. Great to see some old fraternity brothers, including Poop, Kersh, Happy, Papa Smurf, Big E, Sky, Plumber, plus old friend Rummell. You guys rock, and seeing you brought back a swath of great memories. Good to make new friends too, like Dabo and the other Hell Hogs, Denver Devil, and DD emperor Hod. If you've been forgotten, blame the booze. There was a'plenty. I woke up still blacked out on Sunday morning, and don't remember going to the airport. Wheeeee!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, I'm a big fatass, I'm witty, message board nonsense, surrounded by morons, tailgating

I'm dying here. Awash with stories of arrests, camp injuries, and baseball races not involving the Cubbies, I have an overwhelming feeling of.... sadness? depression? What's the word? Last Friday a bit of a cold front blew in followed by a rainstorm. It smelled like football, and I nearly wept. Please leaves, start changing.

Hmmmm. What's going on around the college football world? There's a guy at Ohio State who entered treatment in May after drinking an esrimated 30-40 beers a day. Why is this so looked down upon? He would have fit in nicely at A-State; maybe a transfer isn't completely out of the question.

The story out of Camp Tontozona is that the Arizona State defense is outplaying the vaunted ASU offense. Should this entice exuberant excitement or sheer terror? Much has been made of the improved talent at running back for the Devils, but the same has been said about the defensive line. True frosh RB Dimitri Nance, one of only 2 high schoolers to ever rush for over 3,000 yards playing 5A ball in Texas (the other being Cedric Benson), ripped off a 37 yard TD run in last week's scrimmage. Problem is, his other 6 carries totaled a not-so-monstrous 8 yards. The Koetter quarterback tandem, also known as Kellerpenter, threw for a whopping 26 comletions totaling 216 yards on 40 attempts, including one TD (Rudy) and one INT (Sam). Both guys played the "lack of rhythm" card in the post scrimmage press conference, and I suppose that's ok. No its not. Both Sun Devil quarterbacks were all world last year and shouldn't be thwarted by ANY ASU DEFENSE this side of Terrell Suggs. The solace I can take is that Koetter made a similar comment at a similar point in fall camp 2005. In case you're not up to date on stats, 2005 final national rankings for ASU: total offense-2, total defense- 115.

It was also stated by many that the safety position is in great shape with conference-leading tackler Zach Catanese (can't believe his name starts with cat), but that's no surprise. The real standout on D has been the other safety, oft-injured Josh Barrett. Koetter has dubbed him the camp MVP thus far for his effort, athleticism, and leadership. I was originally thinking that former Dedger Mike Nixon would make a fine safety (one of his high school positions) rather than going out for linebacker, but the Sun Devils actually sound set at defensive position! kinda makes me feel like riverdancing...

In other sad bastard postings, my top two high anticipation players are out with mild injuries right now, sophomore reciever Mike Jones (g'head and say it...you know you want to...MIKE JONES!!) and transfer defensive end Loren Howard. I think it speaks volumes about Howard in that he hasn't had any live football action in two years but is on the Lombardi Award watch list as the top lineman in the country (offense or defense), although he'll have stiff competition with fellow Devils Andrew Carnahan and Zach Miller in the mix. Both Jones and Howard are day to day and don't expect to miss the opener against the 'Jacks.

I figured out the word from the first paragraph. Angst.

Labels: blog links, drugs, I miss college, movie references, regular old crackers

It's time for a little anecdote, boys and girls. This tale comes from the mouth of my stepfather, who was many things but certainly not a liar. I believe the following events to be true, although it is entirely possible that they're a tad bit old-man-exaggerated.

Dennis (my stepdad) played high school football at Wooster High School in Wooster, Ohio, a midwestern steel town of the 1950's. He was a highly touted and gifted tailback for the varsity squad, talented enough to accept a track scholarship to Southern Illinois University. If you've ever met anyone from Ohio, they will almost always take your conversation, whether it is about nuclear physics, soap operas, or the fact that The Dukes of Hazzard is the best television show of all time, and they will turn the topic into the importance of Ohio high school football. "It's like religion...you could rob the town blind during a game..." Their football self importance rivals the natives of Texas, Florida, and everywhere in between. Save it, Brutus.

STFU.





That being said, the players take it as seriously as anyone. I don't recall the name of their rival high school, but it was the week of the big game and it was an away game for Wooster. Dennis, a couple of his buddies, and a stolen bottle of whiskey broke in to their rivals' stadium the Wednesday night before the game with several gallons of kerosene. They used the fuel to paint an enormous "W" on the field that faced the home sideline. It was so grandiose, in fact, that it stretched from one sideline to the other. It had been relatively wet that week, so they felt little to no remorse when they left the field unattended moments after setting the "W" ablaze.

This is small-town middle America in the 1950's, and word traveled quickly. It was apparently a huge deal and even made the Friday morning paper. Dennis will tell you it was because the other team was so demoralized, but Wooster left the stadium victors, winning an away game on a field that boasted a gigantic black "W." Football, rivalry in particular, kicks fucking ass.

You may realize that this situation is not entirely unique. The annual Virginia class war between the UVa bluebloods and the toothless thug wonders from Tech featured a similar prank, although not as spectacular. Some drunken Hokie faithful broke into Scott Stadium on the eve of last year's game and vandalized the home team's large orange "V" by adding a lopsided "T." Ground crews are a little more advanced nowadays, and they were able to remove the stain using scrub brushes and eventually green paint. I hate both schools, but that freaking rules.











My favorite turf defacement story comes from the TCU-SMU rivalry. During the halftime show, the visiting SMU Mustangs marching band formed a large "M" and held their positions. Three months later, as the Texas winter took it's toll on the playing surface, a bright green "M" appeared. The SMU band geeks had each smuggled winter rye seeds on to the field and dropped them during the aforementioned routine.


Something needs to happen to Arizona Stadium this fall. I'll leave it up to the Sun Devil faithful to figure out exactly what, but I'll suggest one thing: flame throwers.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, movie references, rivalry rants

Everybody pussed out on the duct tape, but we all drank 40's. Multiples. Me drunkie. Whoopsie daisy...

Here's a flashback:

The first round has been completed, as have the first 40's. Here's the picks.

1. No surprise, CShelton picks the U.

2. Michael picked tOSU with approval and applause, although I think they may be done for now based on this week's events.

3. newspaper hack was absent, and although it probably kills him as a Bama fan, I gave him Tennessee.

4. Scotty took the 'Noles

5. I knew I had to take an SEC school, so I went with Auburn. They're really due. It was hard to go against the Gun Devils, but I didn't want to make a homer pick and then have to root for my boys to to find some trouble.

Wheels, although a V Tech alum, picked Georgia. Got booed.

Steve picks Michigan with the "they're due" philosophy, all the while Scotty is wearing his "Ann Arbor is a Whore" t-shirt.

OK, the 40's are setting in. I can't keep up; it's going waaay faster than I thought it would. All drafts will be posted tomorrow, based on when I sober up/ain't hungover. Speculate all you like, it was fun. You should have come over, you bastards. I'm going to Buddy's.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, other sports, regular old crackers, thug life

Through the use of a sophisticated device that involves ping-pong balls and krazy glue, the Fantasy Misfit Draft order has been determined. The order will go as followed:

1. CShelton
2. Michael
3. Newspaper Hack
4. Scotty
5. Big Jon
6. Wheels (should he decide to show)
7. Maggie
8. Peter
9. Steve
10. Chuck
11. Alex

Let the mayhem of trade talks begin. While there is less than 6 hours before the duct tape goes on, this ought to be the shortest and sweetest hot stove league in years. Will newcomer Newspaper Hack mark his RVA homecoming by offering his number 3 pick + a celeb free agent for the top seed in order to draft alma mater "Bama? Who will go higher, Tennessee or the U?

An article just came in, hot off the wire.

Friday, August 11, 2006
By: CShelton

In breaking news from misfit land, Ruben Patterson, formerly of the Denver Nuggets has been traded to the Milwaukee Bucks. This automatically vaults Milwaukee into prime first round contention in tonight’s 2006 misfit draft.

Patterson, who is a well-documented wife beater, third degree rapist of his child’s nanny, father of illegitimate children, substance abuser, registered sex offender, and domestic assaulter, could change the landscape of tonight’s draft with this last minute move. Word has, there are numerous teams who are clamoring to move up in the draft just to even be able to have a shot of landing the thug criminal known as Ruben Patterson.

Stay tuned…
Clarett wanted to call in his picks for the draft, but he only gets one call.

Labels: I miss college, other sports, regular old crackers

Not anyone I know, but I think you get the idea.
After my suggestion about drinking a 40 during the upcoming Fantasy Misfit Draft, there was a unanimous rally cry to play Edward Fortyhands during the draft. While this sounds like a ton of fun, I don't really think I'll be able to live blog with malt liquor duct taped to my hands. Let's try, shall we? I'll type "House of Heat" using a regular 12 ounce beer bottle.

hbhbouse of heewat

While that was exponentially better than I could have hoped, it took an excruciatingly long time and is not up to the standards of you, my two readers. I'll just sit back and swill sherry during the draft, which will now take place this Friday, August 11, at 7:30pm. Hope this doesn't ruin your bridge club.


Speaking of gauntlets, the smell of dust storms, monsoons, and pine trees is in the air. CAMP T, BABY! ASU makes an annual trip up north to the pine forest of Camp Tontozona, located near Payson, AZ. Koetter was pleased with Wednesday's night practice after a sluggish team fought the desert heat and humidity that morning in the first of many two-a-days. This was much better to hear than Tuesday's post practice comments, when Coach K noted that "the effort was there, but the execution was lacking." That's something you say about a retarded kid, for chrissakes. Koetter also noted that having the first two-a-day in Tempe was beneficial because they were able to do a lot more since they have more daylight. Hmmm, I realize Payson is off the beaten path, but I think they've been introduced to the revolution of electricity. If not, hook the scout team up to a treadmill and get those lights on. First day of Camp T has arrived!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, other sports, regular old crackers, tailgating

I don’t have cable yet since college football hasn’t started. TV isn’t really useful unless the screen is filled with well trained behemoths beating the snot out of each other in a scientifically organized manner. Just for kicks and shits I turned the set on this hungover Saturday afternoon and was greeted by the first inning of the Braves and Mets. I haven’t been much of a baseball fan since the end of the 2003 NLCS, the heartbreaking collapse by my beloved Cubbies that most of you remember for the infamous “Bartman ball.” Since it’s baseball you probably wouldn’t even remember it without ESPN replaying it over and over and over and over and over… in reading this blog you’ll find I have a noticeable distaste for the worldwide leader in sports, but I’ll leave my personal comments aside for now and let the boys at EDSBS and MGoBlog enlighten you. Not that Fox Sports is any better, unless of course your name is Tom Hansen. Where was I? Ah, baseball. A game that is unbelievably hard to follow without cable. Since when is El Duke (pronounced (DOO-kay, hehe) a Met? Oh, I guess since he doesn’t consistently throw in the mid 90’s anymore. Nice to see the team in Queens is still getting the leftover crap from the Bronx. Some things never change, which is why I’ve pretty much given up on professional sports. College sports, however, rule the day, especially in the fall. That sentence has to many commas.
You, sir, are the spawn of satan.





This blog was inspired by a few things, most notably pure boredom. It took me eight -yes eight- years to complete my undergraduate degree, so I’ve become used to having very little free time since I had a full time job all throughout college. Now that I’ve been relegated to 45-hour work week/weekend warrior/boring-ass loser status I seem to lack hobbies and activities that don’t involve kegstands. I was also enough of a dork in college (like I’m so damn cool now) that I actually enjoyed writing research papers, and I think I kind of miss it as a creative release. It doesn’t help that I have to work in Staunton, VA during the week. If you’ve never been to Staunton (and chances are you haven’t) it is home to the birthplace of former president Woodrow Wilson, the mullet haircut, and not much else. I’ll be covering a wide array of topics, but few of them will stray very far from college football and basketball. Welcome to the sick and twisted world that is my mind. Sit back and make yourself comfortable.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, blog links, I miss college, other sports, Pac-10 business