Monday, October 02, 2006


Mmmmmm...Rolling Rock.

Yup. Thirty-three freakin' yards. Of passing offense. For an entire game. An ASU game. Apologies for not posting last week, but I was in the middle of an angry gauntlet of music, climaxing with two consecutive nights of Widespread Panic in Charlottesville. Woooo! Sorry about that. Since my last post not involving big shits ASU has, well, taken two big shits versus Cal and Oregon, respectively. The latter was hard enough to watch, but reading the box score was even more difficult. Thirty-three passing yards for the Devils over sixty minutes of football is obviously unacceptable, but at least it produced a 100-yard rusher in Ryan Torain(again). He has been a calming source of consistency in an otherwise tumultous season marred by an ocean of inconsistency, even by ASU standards. The question I keep asking myself is, "how does one person reverse the fortunes of the entire program without doing anything illegal?"

Onlookers have testified that Carpenter has lost all confidence in himself, so much that he often appears afraid to throw the ball. I was watching the game at a bar in Richmond while there was a Virginia Tech game being broadcast concurrently, so there was no sound available thanks to those turkey-lovin' motherfuckers (ramblin wreck, bitches). I was under the impression that there was excellent pass coverage by the Ducks and that was why Rudy held on to the ball for so long but apparently I was wrong. According to a testimonial by someone we'll call Pat...

During the interception in the end zone, Mike Jones did 100 jumping jacks, took a few pictures with the cheerleaders, called his mom, fucked a hot chick, went to Circle K and got a gatorade, drank it, had a hot dog on the way back into the stadium, and was STILL wide open in the far corner when Carp (under)threw into double coverage and was picked off. Jones then looked at the student section and lifted his arms in frustration, as if to say "what the fuck?!"

The defense HAD been the toast of Tempe, going into the Oregon slaughter tied with the national lead in sacks, even though they recorded a whopping none against Cal the previous week. Keno Walter-White couldn't cover Charlie Weis in the open field(Weis you may remember is the love child of Rosie O'Donnell & Jabba the Hutt), the linebackers seem to be UN-learning with each passing week, and the d-line, while drastically improved, has managed to be a bust so far. Loren Howard still has yet to see the field as a Devil, and Tranell Morant has been there but you'd have to pay very close attention to know. The safeties are leading the team in tackles again, which of course is only so because the nine guys in front of them can't make plays.

So is this a case of ASU being really bad or both Cal and Oregon being really good? A little of both, methinks. Carpenter set an ASU record for fewest passing yards in a game, outsucking such legends as Griffin Goodman, Jeff Krohn, Andy Goodenough (how ironic), Chad Christensen, post-op and post 8-ball Ryan Kealy, Steve Campbell, and the incomparable (or so I thought) John Leonard. Yeah, I went there. John Leonard. Cal AND Oregon can't both be that good. We suck. Maybe we'll make a bowl game. Hmmm, I'm not even sure about that enymore.

God I hate football.

The guy on the left says it all, and the empty bleachers echo his sentiments.

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