Tuesday, December 05, 2006


A Traveler's Guide To Tempe (Glendale?)

Congrats to all of you Gators, Buckeyes, Sooners, Broncos, and whoever the hell is playing in the Insight Bowl. You have had successful enough seasons to land you in a bowl game in the Valley of the Sun. Since there isn't much going on in Sun Devil Land outside of the coaching carousel, I'll fill you all in on where to go and how to have a little fun in the Metro Phoenix area.

First, you'll be flying into Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. This is only one airport, but it is the perfect introduction to Arizona's passion for over-naming things, particularly when it comes to public works projects. The freeways can be especially confusing, but here is a quick breakdown:

Red Mountain freeway= AZ 202
Superstition freeway= US 60
Piestewa Peak Parkway/Squaw Peak expressway= AZ 51*
Black Canyon Highway= I-17
I-10 South= I-10 EAST**
I-10 North= I-10 WEST**

*- Squaw Peak was renamed Piestewa Peak after the female POW killed in Afghnistan.
**- Interstate 10 runs East-West from Jacksonville, FL to Los Angeles, CA with the exception of the area in between Tucson and Phoenix, which are geographically North and South from one another. Arizonans are notoriously geocentric.

Don't think for a second you can make this trip without renting a car. The vast majority of the Phoenix area was consructed after World War II and is therefore built at the scale of the automobile. By land area it is the largest city in the world, and there is no reliable public transit to speak of. Get a car, and do it right by tailgating on gameday and enjoy the gorgeous desert winter (feel free to be unimpressed, Gators). More on that in a moment. Also, be sure to pack at least one sweatshirt and pair of jeans; it surprises some that it gets a little chilly at night in the desert.

There really isn't any reason not to stay in Tempe, even if the game is in Glendale. The west side of town (where Glendale is) is a vast wasteland of strip mall establishments and it lacks any originality and culture. The most "southwestern" thing you'll find in Glendale is Chili's, and you can get those scrumptious egg rolls and baby back ribs anywhere. Tempe is home to Arizona State University and their collection of magnificent coeds and bars; quite frankly you'd kick yourself for going all that way and not getting as much of T-town as you can. If you're going all-in, stay at the Tempe Mission Palms on 5th Street. It's a swanky joint that's in between Mill Avenue and Sun Devil Stadium (about a block each way) and is stumbling distance from anything you'll need to go to (besides the Fiesta Bowl or NC game). A cheaper but almost as convenient option is the Twin Palms Hotel on Apache Boulevard, which is nice because they have a 24-hour IHOP in the lobby. Otherwise I suggest searching one of those fancy travel websites and look up hotels by proximity to the intersection of 5th Street and Mill Avenue in Tempe. You'll thank me later. If they're all booked you can check with proximity to Downtown Scottsdale, but it'll cost you.

No, you can't take them home with you.

This is one of our specialties at ASU! One of the great things about drinking in Tempe is that the local legislators passed a smoking ban a few years back, leading business owners to install lavish patios and decks for your enjoyment. The bar-closing time in AZ is 2 am, so be sure to plan ahead and make the most of your evenings.

Mill Avenue is the alcoholic crown jewel of the Valley, featuring such mainstay bars as Ra (saki bombers), Rula Bula (Irish), and Mill Cue Club. There are plenty of other refuges from sobriety on this strip, but they change names so often that I don't even kow what they're called anymore. While at Cue Club, try to get a pool table but be sure to order their Monster Long Islands and killer Kamikazes, as both are well priced and contain double the booze you're used to.

There's a spot just off of Mill Ave. called Z-Tejas that features one of the booziest, best tasting drinks of all time: the Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. I typically hate frozen drinks, but this is the exception. Practice saying it, because it can be a mouthful once your BAC gets over a .25- Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. The bar limits each customer to three of these bad boys apiece, but if they're the slightest bit busy they won't argue too much when you slur out that "this was only my second one." Have your group be on one big tab, and you should be safe. They tend to close whenever they feel like it, so be sure to go before 11 or 12.

If you're in town on a Thursday night, be sure to swing by The Vine on Apache Boulevard, just south of campus. They have 32 ounce drafts for $2.75, $2 Jaeger shots, and a brand of karaoke that is more fun than karaoke should be. Many a Thursdays in this establishment end up with folks dancing on chairs, fighting in the parking lot, and puking in the bushes. A friend of mine actually got hit by a car leaving that joint, so watch how you cross. If it's busy and you want to sing, slip Stu (the karaoke guy) a Jaeger shot, it works damn near very time.

Other noted establishments to visit in Tempe include the
Heart Attack Grill. Forget about what you've heard about In N' Out, this place kicks tons of ass. The waitresses are slutty nurses, they fry their potatoes in lard, they sell cigarettes and beer, and their basic burger is a 1/2 lb. bacon cheesburger known as "the bypass." Keep in mind that if you packed your testicles in the suitcase they also offer a double bypass, triple bypass, and quadruple bypass. I recommend them without onions, as they are more than generous with them. While you're in that part of town, make sure to swing by The Tilted Kilt, which is just down Warner Road. Waitresses and bartenders with revealing tops and short short plaid skirts offer you a choice from thirty or so draft beers and at least a dozen plasma big screens. The perfect spot for watching other bowls. Or boobs. Whatever. They may even serve food, I'm really not sure. These two women-oogling joints will leave you saying "fuck Hooters" in no time.

The highlight of any bowl trip to the valley is the Tempe Block party, held on Mill Avenue on new year's eve. It is a collection of has-been bands on numerous stages, but there are plenty of beer gardens and the existing bars on Mill to get you so drunk you can't hear sound. The attendance is typically in the six-figure range, many of which are out of towners sporting the various colors of their alma maters. Be sure to wear team colors for instant bonding with strangers; it will also make you a target for heckling and fights, which is really fun for the locals.

If you prefer club sluts to bar bimbos, downtown Scottsdale is the place for you! Start somewhere low key like Magnum's or Dos Gringos, and then head out to Axis/Radius, Cajun House, Martini Ranch, or the ther clubs in that tiny district. You'll be shocked and awed at the amount of money and plastic surgery that will flash before your very eyes, but most of it isn't as it appears. Keep in mind that Scottsdale is the Joe Dirt Arizona version of Beverly Hills: there's plenty of money there, but they'd be small potatoes in LA. Take a cab take you there if you're staying somewhere else, the driver will know exactly where you should go depending on the night of the week.

Now we're getting down to business. As you may imagine, the local specialty is Maican food, and not that crap covered in chili that you get on a layover at DFW. I could rave for days regarding that various places around town, but the boys at Devil's Digest have already thrashed this topic enough to garner a sticky thread you can view here. Here's a couple of quickies for you in case yu lack the patience to deal wth mesage broad mispelllings.

Macayo's- get the green corn tamales, chicken baja burro, or anything wth baja sauce on it.
Julio's Too- Free chips and salsa, $1.50 drafts (I don't think they've changed that) and the legendary MINI CHIMICHANGAS. If you're at the Insight Bowl, this is a must at halftime. Leave your seat with two minutes left in the half and start sprinting. Order twice as many drafts as you think you can drink and start guzzling- you can finish them, I assure you.
Filiberto's- or any other restaurant that ends in "berto's," really. This is the most authentic Mexican food you'll find in America, and the quality increases with each sip of alcohol. Plus, every one is open 24 hours a day. I recommend going after the bars, and you'll be surprised at how busy they are. Oh, and don't fall asleep at the wheel while in the drive through. They hate that. As for food, try the rolled tacos, flying saucer, chicken burritos, quesadillas, or especially the breakfast burritos. A chorizo burrito with eggs and potatoes is so good it just might cure cancer. Anything there is good, and the portions are huge. If you order the same way you would at Taco Bell, be prepared to throw a lot of food away.
Jack in the Box- a 24 hour fast food place if your system can't handle a Filiberto shit more than one hungover morning per week. Try the tacos, they're fabulous.
The Back Of Some Mexican's Car- Kind of a joke, but kind of not really. If a Mexican-looking fellow offers to sell you food out of his car, buy it. His wife worked hard to make it and it's the same they're eating at home. The best tamales you will ever have in your life, guaranteed. Cheap, too.

The valley also offers up a decent slice of pizza here and there. Pizzeria Bianco in downtown Phoenix garnered an award as the best pizza in the nation, but I wouldn't know since there is never less than a 90 minute wait. The have a wine bar, so if you have the time and patience make the trip. Greasy Tony's at University Dr. and Rural Rd. is the best in Tempe, serving up Jersey-style cheesesteaks and Italian fare that had Rutgers fans raving last year. Also look for Nello's, with several valley locations.

If you're looking to go a little more high-brow when watching other bowl games, check out Coach and Willie's in downtown Phoenix. Leather furniture, kickass steaks, lots of scotches to choose from, and always the highest quality football-watching technology. In fact, they probably have games in Blue-Ray already. Dress nice and bring plenty of moolah.

Other Sights and Scenery
I know you really want to see the Grand Canyon, but unless you're in town for a week it's really not worth it. It's a 4-5 hour drive each way with little in between. If you do decide to go, make sure to stop in historic downtown Flagstaff and visit Flagstaff Brewing Company and Mogollon Brewery (pronounced MO-Gee-on), rival breweries within a block of each other. Flag Brew always makes a good pint and features a single-malt scotch of the month, while Mogollon is known for their incredible Guinness-trumping Imperial Stout. Be sure to be the only kid in Norman/Gainesville/wherever that has a Mogollon t-shirt bearing their slogan "Ale's what cures ya."

The trip to historic Tombstone may also sound appealing, but that's only a good stop on a cross-country trip as that area of Arizona will only seem appealing after driving through Texas for two days. Plus, you'd have to go through Tucson. Yeech.
That town knows so little about bowls that the Copper Bowl moved to the Valley and changed its name to Insight. I understand that you want go to the same saloon where Val Kilmer spewed out those amazing one-liners so many years ago, but if you've listened to anything I've said listen to this: don't go.

If you're a healthy guy that's into exercise, hiking camelback mountain is challenging and presents a change of pace from the elliptical machine...ha ha ha. You'll be waaaay too hungover to be working out on this trip.

It's finally here! ASU is a school that's known by many visitors for being one of the worst in terms of tailgating scenes, but the lot is only as good as the fans who park there. The Arizona sun is a differnt animal than you're used to, so if you're going all day wear some type of sun protection, even if it is December/January. You should be staying in Tempe, so stock up at Top's Liquor on University Drive, three blocks west of Mill Avenue. they have the best selection in the valley in terms of kegs, wines, and rare beers, and they even rent kegerators. It might be a good idea to go early in the week and reserve something if you're looking for more than the crappy 1/2 trashcan and a bud light half-barrel. If there's one thing Glendale has it's plenty of open land, so on-site parking shouldn't be a problem. Use plastic cups and no one should fuck with you. Remember that it's a desert and just because you're peeing in dirt doesn't mean it's going to soak int the soil, so have plenty of potty spots staked out before you really need to go. Option B is to go styrofoam-cooler style, or have a setup like this. The Insight Bowl fans will have a completely different experience, as they can pre-party at all of their favorite Mill Avenue bars with the luxuries of indoor plumbing and professionally prepared food. East Valley, Holla! If you can't go to the big games, go to Mill. All of the bars there rent big screens and projectors, so you should feel right at home. I watched the 2002 OSU-Miami Fiesta Bowl at Rula Bula and it was a blast.

Have fun and avoid the fuzz, as nobody wants to spend February in Tent City. Take good care of my town and it will assuredly take care of you. No couch burning or car flipping, please. The cops shot tear gas at locals after the Diamondbacks won the World Series in 2001, so don't expect them to think twice about firing at a bunch of out-of-towners causing the slightest bit of ruckus. May you win with class and dignity. Good luck and good game, everybody!

Last second edit: They've caught the Baseline killer! You can make the trip and be safe, too!

Labels: , , , , ,

Excellent work Big John. Can we just link this blog article to all the threads with out of towners asking about Tempe?? Seriously bookmark this thing!!

Did I miss it or did you leave out Four Peaks? Great Ambiance...best beer in Az.

Nice Job Again!!
Dear God, you're right.

For those who don't know, they have the best chicken tenders on the planet and some world-class home brew. I recommend everyone get their own sampler platter, especially since the bartenders love washing glasses. You can't make a wrong decision there, food or drink.

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