The House Of Heat

They were the best of times, they were... I think they were the best, hell if I remember. Today marks move-in day at ASU, the first day the dorms are open for thousands of wide-eyed, hormone-filled 18 year-olds. It's important for these n00bs to get socially acclimated and to network, because ASU is a big place and it's easy to get lost in the fold. (a VTech joke is tempting, but not now)

During my beer bong-filled days in Tempe, our fraternity set the standard for these bashes, commonly called pre-school parties. The prefix "pre" indicating that it happened before school started, not that we dressed in diapers and drank out of sippy-cups, you sick fuck. (can't wait to see what pervs google brings to this site now) On move-in day, our brotherhood "volunteered" our services to help these poor young folks move their crap into their state-issued cells, and as an additional service to them we extended a warm welcome into our home, but only after their parents left.

We then proceeded to Osco, the best stop for wicked-cheap domestic beer. Of all the rules we broke, the only one we always managed to follow was the no-keg rule. Still baffles me. Osco usually had one of the lowest rung beers absurdly cheap- Red Dog, Icehouse, Keystone Light, Milwaukee's Best. Multiple brothers with pickup trucks and SUV's caravanned around town to several Osco's, buying their entire stock of whatever was on special. We always skipped Jerry's Drive-Thru because no matter how much beer we got ahead of time, we always had to make another run around 11 pm and that was the closest stop.

We would unload everything back at the house into our galvanized horse trough and crank the stereo. Kids would start flowing through the door in no time flat, and if the numbers weren't good enough we'd go dormstorming. The Manzy smoke circle was usually a good place to find kids looking to get fucked up, and several of those kids became fraternity brothers. The cops usually showed up at 2 am to break the thing up, but by then over 1,000 people (no shit) had come and gone and we were out of free beer anyway.

These parties were home to some of the most outlandish things I've ever seen, and I've been to Bonaroo. Naked girls dancing on tables, two-story beer bongs, fistfights, crowdsurfing, and a close friend of mine had sex with three chicks at the same time (didn't even have a million dollars). If anyone reading this came and had a good time, you're welcome. I hope you got laid. We would clean up the empty cups and cans with a pushbroom and drink our private stashes of booze until dawn.

The south campus landscape has drastically changed since our reign- and we did reign, if only for one week per year- but where do the kids go now? The fraternity houses are gone, so are the n00bs having keggers in the dorms? Secret house parties? ASU Resedential Life went so far as to ban solicitation during move-in thanks to us, so how do you find these soirees? ASU slipped from Playboy's #1 to #3 party school after I left town, is this why? With an already weak Greek system and a president that frowns on that sort of thing, how do people get involved in the scene? Fake ID machines or something? I guess I am truly out of touch.

In honor of this glorious holiday, I'm drinking ferociously and watching PCU, trying to vicariously relive the glory days of partydom. If you're an undergrad and reading this, ru away from the computer, find a bum to buy you some booze, find a chick, and get ripped together until your clothes fall off. It's the one true Sun Devil tradition.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, drugs, I miss college, I'm a big fatass

The mainstram media takes a lot of flack for the often thankless job they do, but Sun Devil football coverage has been beyond outstanding since the start of Fall Camp. It's hard running a Sun Devil blog from Florida, and I couldn't do it without the work of guys like Jeff Metcalfe and Dan Zeiger, who have really stepped it up this season. There was also a common opinion that local coverage often showed ASU in a negative light, particularly from Dan Bickley and Scott Bordow, but both of those guys have also come around to sound like they're actually starting to become Sun Devil fans. Was Dirk Koetter really that hard to get along with?

Camp Tontozona is over and the team has headed down the hill for the start of school. Post-camp awards are too pansy for the new coaching staff, but both Devils Digest and the Trib have their accolades listed, and it's a concensus that Kyle Williams and Kerry Taylor are studs and it's not out of the question that both could start. The Republic has a breakdown of the entire squad by position group, showing which ones stagnated and which ones have improved since the start of camp.

Portland State of division 1-AA replaced the University of Idaho on the 2010 schedule, because for some reason the schools don't want to play each other anymore. I wonder why...

Photo ripped off from: Losers with Socks.

In the sad, sad, dear God that basket full of kittens is on fire sad department, Julio's Too is apparently closing so that a new burger joint can fail in the shadow of the almighty Chuckbox. May mini chimichangas, $1.50 all-the-time drafts, and some of the best damn chips and salsa in town rest in peace. Speaking of food...

Holy carne asada! Get Out published their "Devil Picks" today for the best of shopping, eating, and drinking in the 85281. They were surprisingly dead-on with a few things, especially Dilly's Deli, Harlow's, and Chuckbox, but to no one's surprise I'll throw out a few nitpicks.

* I've never been to The Salty Senorita and I don't have to, because the best margarita on the motherfucking planet is at Z-Tejas, the legendary CHAMBORD MARGARITA WITH A SILVER PATRON FLOATER. Learn this and we can be friends. 6th and Maple, chump.

* I've also never been to Restaurant Mexico on Mill, but as many who read this page know I'll shiv someone for saying anything is better than Filiberto's, or whatever the hell it's called now. Someone please tell me the new name because I feel like a schmuck for not knowing. And one more thing- nice original name, Restaurant Mexico. I have more taste in my penis.

* I have to admire the inclusion of Cheba Hut because the mention of a footlong Jamaican Red and a magic rice crispy treat will bring me to tears most days, but the top value in terms of price goes to YC's Mongolian BBQ at Southern and McClintock. Also a good cheap date, too.

* I know Dos Gringos has relocated to the site of the old Thirsty Beaver, but if it's anything like it's former self across from Architraz it should at least warrant a second place standing in the running for Best Gay Bar, because that place sucked and was constantly full of dudes.

Happy eating, bitches.

Labels: I'm a big fatass, movie references, regular old crackers, the offseason sucks

Yeah, it's a funny name. Funny.

Well folks, life has come calling and I'll be leaving the River City for the final time on Saturday afternoon. I'm relocating the House to Tallahassee, Florida because Richmond just isn't humid enough. I'm not sure when the internet will be up and running at the new digs so I'l be taking a sabbatical from posting for a little while. A few fun facts about Florida's capital and State University:

* Tallahassee is located in the big bend region of Florida and sits 20 miles from Georgia and 15 miles from the Gulf of Mexico.

* FSU alumni include Burt Reynolds, Gabby Reece, and Richard Simmons.

* FSU is the only school in the nation that offers a major in Circus.

* The state capital building looks like a huge cock-n-balls.

If you're in Tally, just look for the tall guy going head to head against Chuck Amato in a wet t-shirt contest. Happy trails, bitches.

Any more than a handful and you just risk spraining a thumb.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, I'm a big fatass, the new era

I absolutely adore March Madness. While the first two rounds are tailor-made for ditching out of work to go to a bar, the second two are perfect for at-home viewing. There are only two games going at a time, requiring a bit more focus than you can get at a bar, specifically the option of sound.

Over the years I have watched far more tournament minutes than I have missed, and CBS has been the exclusive carrier of the tourney for most of my life. After a couple decades of intense viewership, one tends to notice repititions in CBS' coverage and the same old schtick gets tiresome. If you aren't going to be at a bar, you might as well get snookered in the friendly confines of your own home. For your personal entertainment, I have devised a NCAA tournament drinking game. The rules are as follows, and you'll note that none of the rules really have anything to do with the actual game of basketball, just CBS' average-at-best coverage of it.

One drink
For every Master’s commercial
Whenever CBS mentions how exclusive their coverage is
For every “game reset” or “game summary”
Anytime you hear the word “Cingular”
Whenever Nantz and Packer throw to Greg Gumbel
A close up of a band geek or cheerleader
Any time a bracket is displayed on screen

Two drinks
Two commercial breaks without any game action in between
Two commercial breaks on consecutive dead ball whistles
Anytime Jim Nantz makes a pun using a player/team name
Anytime Billy Packer repeats a point *this can get you in trouble
Anytime Packer explains a rule

Three drinks
Billy Packer tells a story about a different NCAA tournament
Billy Packer tells a story about when he played
When the incredibly uninformative “tournament summary” is displayed
Anytime Nantz gives Packer a Jim Lampley-style gay smile on camera

Finish!
Anytime anyone says “one shining moment”
Any kind of technical malfunction


It gets a bit old sacrificing a weekend just to watch 16 hours of basketball, especially when it isn't the Sun Devils. Why not induce liver disease?

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, hoops, I'm a big fatass, tailgating

I have a review of this year's recruiting class in the works, but there has been a lot more real life than usual and thus it's not finished, but I'll be sure to post it when I have some real time. In it's absence, here's a link to a fantastic off-season thread on the Devil's Digest Message Boards. Without football, this is what we turn to. The first six posts constitute a typical, run-of-the-mill off-season thread- no football and lots of sarcasm. The seventh will blow your fucking mind.

Quite frankly I'm speechless- all I can say is that I wish I had friends like that. Be sure to nominate it for post of the day.

Labels: I'm a big fatass, message board nonsense, regular old crackers

Sorry Rex, not today. On the other hand, congrats to Peyton Manning for finally beating Florida and making strides for Down's Syndrome sufferers everywhere. In case you were in a P.O.W. camp and missed the game, here's what happened.

* Both head coaches are black.

* Jay-Z has a new album and apparently works for Budweiser.

* Prince and the FAMU Marching 100 are still the shit.

* There's a good Rex Grossman and a bad Rex Grossman. The latter showed up in Miami.

* Valentine's day is coming, and there are plenty of folks selling diamonds. If you don't buy one for your woman, you're a fucking loser with zero hopes of getting laid. Ever again.

* Both head coaches are black.

Manning: Corky in pads.

All in all it was another wonderful Super Sunday and I had too much cheese dip. This rivals St. Patrick's Day as the best holiday of the year and we all ought to have Monday off from work. My worst moment of the day was being awoken by a girlfriend telling me that ASU upset Washington State, only to find out that she saw the women's score. Drat.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, I'm a big fatass, movie references, other sports

I'm at a friend's house right now in the midst of the second annual convention of IOTA, aka Internationl Order of Time-zone Alcoholics. We started at 7 am in Fiji and we toast to every time zone around the globe. Right now we're in China playing 50-cup beer pong. It's fun. My bowl picks have taken a turn for the worse over the last two days so it looks like watching football for nothing more than the pure sake of enjoyment for the rest of the year. Oh well.

In ther spirit of hating all things U of A, I present this, the best fark I've seen in quite some time. Take that, Wilbur. I stole it from a lad calling himself "TADevil," but apparently he stole it from some other site. Cheers, and happy new year, over and over and over.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, I'm a big fatass, rivalry rants

Congrats to all of you Gators, Buckeyes, Sooners, Broncos, and whoever the hell is playing in the Insight Bowl. You have had successful enough seasons to land you in a bowl game in the Valley of the Sun. Since there isn't much going on in Sun Devil Land outside of the coaching carousel, I'll fill you all in on where to go and how to have a little fun in the Metro Phoenix area.

First, you'll be flying into Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. This is only one airport, but it is the perfect introduction to Arizona's passion for over-naming things, particularly when it comes to public works projects. The freeways can be especially confusing, but here is a quick breakdown:

Red Mountain freeway= AZ 202
Superstition freeway= US 60
Piestewa Peak Parkway/Squaw Peak expressway= AZ 51*
Black Canyon Highway= I-17
I-10 South= I-10 EAST**
I-10 North= I-10 WEST**

*- Squaw Peak was renamed Piestewa Peak after the female POW killed in Afghnistan.
**- Interstate 10 runs East-West from Jacksonville, FL to Los Angeles, CA with the exception of the area in between Tucson and Phoenix, which are geographically North and South from one another. Arizonans are notoriously geocentric.

Don't think for a second you can make this trip without renting a car. The vast majority of the Phoenix area was consructed after World War II and is therefore built at the scale of the automobile. By land area it is the largest city in the world, and there is no reliable public transit to speak of. Get a car, and do it right by tailgating on gameday and enjoy the gorgeous desert winter (feel free to be unimpressed, Gators). More on that in a moment. Also, be sure to pack at least one sweatshirt and pair of jeans; it surprises some that it gets a little chilly at night in the desert.

Lodging
There really isn't any reason not to stay in Tempe, even if the game is in Glendale. The west side of town (where Glendale is) is a vast wasteland of strip mall establishments and it lacks any originality and culture. The most "southwestern" thing you'll find in Glendale is Chili's, and you can get those scrumptious egg rolls and baby back ribs anywhere. Tempe is home to Arizona State University and their collection of magnificent coeds and bars; quite frankly you'd kick yourself for going all that way and not getting as much of T-town as you can. If you're going all-in, stay at the Tempe Mission Palms on 5th Street. It's a swanky joint that's in between Mill Avenue and Sun Devil Stadium (about a block each way) and is stumbling distance from anything you'll need to go to (besides the Fiesta Bowl or NC game). A cheaper but almost as convenient option is the Twin Palms Hotel on Apache Boulevard, which is nice because they have a 24-hour IHOP in the lobby. Otherwise I suggest searching one of those fancy travel websites and look up hotels by proximity to the intersection of 5th Street and Mill Avenue in Tempe. You'll thank me later. If they're all booked you can check with proximity to Downtown Scottsdale, but it'll cost you.

No, you can't take them home with you.

Booze
This is one of our specialties at ASU! One of the great things about drinking in Tempe is that the local legislators passed a smoking ban a few years back, leading business owners to install lavish patios and decks for your enjoyment. The bar-closing time in AZ is 2 am, so be sure to plan ahead and make the most of your evenings.

Mill Avenue is the alcoholic crown jewel of the Valley, featuring such mainstay bars as Ra (saki bombers), Rula Bula (Irish), and Mill Cue Club. There are plenty of other refuges from sobriety on this strip, but they change names so often that I don't even kow what they're called anymore. While at Cue Club, try to get a pool table but be sure to order their Monster Long Islands and killer Kamikazes, as both are well priced and contain double the booze you're used to.

There's a spot just off of Mill Ave. called Z-Tejas that features one of the booziest, best tasting drinks of all time: the Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. I typically hate frozen drinks, but this is the exception. Practice saying it, because it can be a mouthful once your BAC gets over a .25- Chambord margarita with a Silver Patron floater. The bar limits each customer to three of these bad boys apiece, but if they're the slightest bit busy they won't argue too much when you slur out that "this was only my second one." Have your group be on one big tab, and you should be safe. They tend to close whenever they feel like it, so be sure to go before 11 or 12.

If you're in town on a Thursday night, be sure to swing by The Vine on Apache Boulevard, just south of campus. They have 32 ounce drafts for $2.75, $2 Jaeger shots, and a brand of karaoke that is more fun than karaoke should be. Many a Thursdays in this establishment end up with folks dancing on chairs, fighting in the parking lot, and puking in the bushes. A friend of mine actually got hit by a car leaving that joint, so watch how you cross. If it's busy and you want to sing, slip Stu (the karaoke guy) a Jaeger shot, it works damn near very time.

Other noted establishments to visit in Tempe include the Heart Attack Grill. Forget about what you've heard about In N' Out, this place kicks tons of ass. The waitresses are slutty nurses, they fry their potatoes in lard, they sell cigarettes and beer, and their basic burger is a 1/2 lb. bacon cheesburger known as "the bypass." Keep in mind that if you packed your testicles in the suitcase they also offer a double bypass, triple bypass, and quadruple bypass. I recommend them without onions, as they are more than generous with them. While you're in that part of town, make sure to swing by The Tilted Kilt, which is just down Warner Road. Waitresses and bartenders with revealing tops and short short plaid skirts offer you a choice from thirty or so draft beers and at least a dozen plasma big screens. The perfect spot for watching other bowls. Or boobs. Whatever. They may even serve food, I'm really not sure. These two women-oogling joints will leave you saying "fuck Hooters" in no time.

The highlight of any bowl trip to the valley is the Tempe Block party, held on Mill Avenue on new year's eve. It is a collection of has-been bands on numerous stages, but there are plenty of beer gardens and the existing bars on Mill to get you so drunk you can't hear sound. The attendance is typically in the six-figure range, many of which are out of towners sporting the various colors of their alma maters. Be sure to wear team colors for instant bonding with strangers; it will also make you a target for heckling and fights, which is really fun for the locals.

If you prefer club sluts to bar bimbos, downtown Scottsdale is the place for you! Start somewhere low key like Magnum's or Dos Gringos, and then head out to Axis/Radius, Cajun House, Martini Ranch, or the ther clubs in that tiny district. You'll be shocked and awed at the amount of money and plastic surgery that will flash before your very eyes, but most of it isn't as it appears. Keep in mind that Scottsdale is the Joe Dirt Arizona version of Beverly Hills: there's plenty of money there, but they'd be small potatoes in LA. Take a cab take you there if you're staying somewhere else, the driver will know exactly where you should go depending on the night of the week.

Grub
Now we're getting down to business. As you may imagine, the local specialty is Maican food, and not that crap covered in chili that you get on a layover at DFW. I could rave for days regarding that various places around town, but the boys at Devil's Digest have already thrashed this topic enough to garner a sticky thread you can view here. Here's a couple of quickies for you in case yu lack the patience to deal wth mesage broad mispelllings.

Macayo's- get the green corn tamales, chicken baja burro, or anything wth baja sauce on it.
Julio's Too- Free chips and salsa, $1.50 drafts (I don't think they've changed that) and the legendary MINI CHIMICHANGAS. If you're at the Insight Bowl, this is a must at halftime. Leave your seat with two minutes left in the half and start sprinting. Order twice as many drafts as you think you can drink and start guzzling- you can finish them, I assure you.
Filiberto's- or any other restaurant that ends in "berto's," really. This is the most authentic Mexican food you'll find in America, and the quality increases with each sip of alcohol. Plus, every one is open 24 hours a day. I recommend going after the bars, and you'll be surprised at how busy they are. Oh, and don't fall asleep at the wheel while in the drive through. They hate that. As for food, try the rolled tacos, flying saucer, chicken burritos, quesadillas, or especially the breakfast burritos. A chorizo burrito with eggs and potatoes is so good it just might cure cancer. Anything there is good, and the portions are huge. If you order the same way you would at Taco Bell, be prepared to throw a lot of food away.
Jack in the Box- a 24 hour fast food place if your system can't handle a Filiberto shit more than one hungover morning per week. Try the tacos, they're fabulous.
The Back Of Some Mexican's Car- Kind of a joke, but kind of not really. If a Mexican-looking fellow offers to sell you food out of his car, buy it. His wife worked hard to make it and it's the same they're eating at home. The best tamales you will ever have in your life, guaranteed. Cheap, too.

The valley also offers up a decent slice of pizza here and there. Pizzeria Bianco in downtown Phoenix garnered an award as the best pizza in the nation, but I wouldn't know since there is never less than a 90 minute wait. The have a wine bar, so if you have the time and patience make the trip. Greasy Tony's at University Dr. and Rural Rd. is the best in Tempe, serving up Jersey-style cheesesteaks and Italian fare that had Rutgers fans raving last year. Also look for Nello's, with several valley locations.

If you're looking to go a little more high-brow when watching other bowl games, check out Coach and Willie's in downtown Phoenix. Leather furniture, kickass steaks, lots of scotches to choose from, and always the highest quality football-watching technology. In fact, they probably have games in Blue-Ray already. Dress nice and bring plenty of moolah.

Other Sights and Scenery
I know you really want to see the Grand Canyon, but unless you're in town for a week it's really not worth it. It's a 4-5 hour drive each way with little in between. If you do decide to go, make sure to stop in historic downtown Flagstaff and visit Flagstaff Brewing Company and Mogollon Brewery (pronounced MO-Gee-on), rival breweries within a block of each other. Flag Brew always makes a good pint and features a single-malt scotch of the month, while Mogollon is known for their incredible Guinness-trumping Imperial Stout. Be sure to be the only kid in Norman/Gainesville/wherever that has a Mogollon t-shirt bearing their slogan "Ale's what cures ya."

The trip to historic Tombstone may also sound appealing, but that's only a good stop on a cross-country trip as that area of Arizona will only seem appealing after driving through Texas for two days. Plus, you'd have to go through Tucson. Yeech. That town knows so little about bowls that the Copper Bowl moved to the Valley and changed its name to Insight. I understand that you want go to the same saloon where Val Kilmer spewed out those amazing one-liners so many years ago, but if you've listened to anything I've said listen to this: don't go.

If you're a healthy guy that's into exercise, hiking camelback mountain is challenging and presents a change of pace from the elliptical machine...ha ha ha. You'll be waaaay too hungover to be working out on this trip.

Gameday
It's finally here! ASU is a school that's known by many visitors for being one of the worst in terms of tailgating scenes, but the lot is only as good as the fans who park there. The Arizona sun is a differnt animal than you're used to, so if you're going all day wear some type of sun protection, even if it is December/January. You should be staying in Tempe, so stock up at Top's Liquor on University Drive, three blocks west of Mill Avenue. they have the best selection in the valley in terms of kegs, wines, and rare beers, and they even rent kegerators. It might be a good idea to go early in the week and reserve something if you're looking for more than the crappy 1/2 trashcan and a bud light half-barrel. If there's one thing Glendale has it's plenty of open land, so on-site parking shouldn't be a problem. Use plastic cups and no one should fuck with you. Remember that it's a desert and just because you're peeing in dirt doesn't mean it's going to soak int the soil, so have plenty of potty spots staked out before you really need to go. Option B is to go styrofoam-cooler style, or have a setup like this. The Insight Bowl fans will have a completely different experience, as they can pre-party at all of their favorite Mill Avenue bars with the luxuries of indoor plumbing and professionally prepared food. East Valley, Holla! If you can't go to the big games, go to Mill. All of the bars there rent big screens and projectors, so you should feel right at home. I watched the 2002 OSU-Miami Fiesta Bowl at Rula Bula and it was a blast.

Have fun and avoid the fuzz, as nobody wants to spend February in Tent City. Take good care of my town and it will assuredly take care of you. No couch burning or car flipping, please. The cops shot tear gas at locals after the Diamondbacks won the World Series in 2001, so don't expect them to think twice about firing at a bunch of out-of-towners causing the slightest bit of ruckus. May you win with class and dignity. Good luck and good game, everybody!


Last second edit: They've caught the Baseline killer! You can make the trip and be safe, too!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, I'm a big fatass, rivalry rants, tailgating

Some special thanks and commendations are in order regarding Saturday's trip to Tucson. Expect a completely different post regarding the actual game within a day or so.

The Goose officially holds the title of the patron saint of less drunk than the rest of us. Thanks for driving, big guy. You truly are a gentlemen.

Tommy did a kegstand... in the back of a moving vehicle. He did a lot more- 20 or so- but that first one was special for its physics/law defying grandeur. Also note that he woke up drunk on Saturday and was still toasted when we hit the road that morning, adding style and difficulty points. That should make up for the last three he attempted when he promptly fell on his face.


The tailgate lot at the intersection of Speedway and Cherry was a good mix of ASU and UA fans, with the latter being surprisingly cordial. The ASU fans were obviously better looking, in greater numbers, better drinkers, cooks and tailgaters, but I was seriously shocked at how nice the kitties were this year. I had more than one civil conversations regarding the game, the rivalry as a whole, and life in general with folks wearing red, and I even posed for a picture with one. I subtly gave the guy the finger in the photo, but that's neither here nor there.

In another instance, one UA chick showed up and was mouthy out of the gate, even stooping so low as to drop the "when was the last time you got laid?" smack. A response of "six hours before my flight" shut her up, but she returned for what appeared to be more when out of nowhere she gave me a hug. She apologized for her earlier actions, wished us a good game, and went back to her lawn chair and cooler. Less than a half-hour later she fell over drunk and was put into the car by her boyfriend who promptly drove her away. We're pretty sure she didn't make it to the game, and we all wished for a camcorder when her face hit asphalt.

We were seated in front of several guys in red/blue face paint for the game all the while hoping we weren't going to be sent to jail for assault, especially after the stories I've heard about Mexican jail. We took our seats and stood early and often with excitement as ASU rattled off big play after big play, and we eventually just stayed up awaiting the standard "down in front" heckle. It never came to my surprise as the painted men simply stood behind us in silence, as 33 rushing yards will do that to a fan. Trust me, I know. Again, cordial UA fans? I don't believe it either and am seriously considering researching the gluttonous consumption of copious amounts of alcohol and its short term effects on hearing. Look for it in the January/February edition of JAMA.

The much maligned and oft picked-on Keno Walter-White is a pretty f'ing cool guy. As we were about to leave our perch above the ASU players' tunnel KWW popped out of nowhere with the Territorial Cup. In a drunken slur I asked to hold it with the certainty that I would be declined but he responded with a "Hell yeah!" Shocked as I was, I reverted to my roots as a hockey player by lifting the silver vessel high, then kissing it. One of the team trainers was cordial enough to get Keno, the cup, and the rest of us in a group photo. Yay us, and shame on the rest of the group for heading to the car.
Tommy managed to evade a small mass of police officers and jump the fence on to the field, and he was able to go all over the place without being too conspicuous. If you review the game film, look for him popping over the shoulder of MVP Ryan Torain during his post-game interview.

The aforementioned Tommy received a hero's welcome when we got back to te tailgate lot. Aparently some folks had been so impressed with his, er, drunkedness that they waited there to say goodbye and good luck. I didn't even bother to ask why.

On the drive home we listened to the radio broadcast of ASU's stunning basketball victory over Iowa. We pulled into Casa Grande for dinner and announced the win to a restaurant filled with gold t-shirts and the place erupted. There may be something building at WFA, now if we can just get some people to go to the games the Sun Devil hoopsters may really get rolling.

I don't have a single complaint about the entire trip. No one got arrested or hurt, which is always a positive. It was a truly stunning day to watch ASU claim it's sixth Territorial Cup in eight years. Thanks to all who to contributed.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, hoops, I miss college, I'm a big fatass, rivalry rants, tailgating, UA morons

Ugh. I just couldn't resist free tickets to last night's Virginia-Carolina game, so a co-worker and I made the drive to Charlottesville to experience the hoopla between two piss-poor teams. I probably don't have any room to talk as ASU sits 0-3 in conference play, but this is the internet and there is no accountability for anyone by rule (law?). Did a little tailgating, got rained on a bit, and watched the Cavaliers make all of those baby blue-wearing fans pine for basketball season just a ittle bit more than they did on Wednesday. A few observations. if you will:

UVa runs out of the tunnel to low-exploding fireworks and 20-foot high shooting flames. I don't know I'd trade them for the AC-DC/bus-stomping intro, but I don't see why we can't do both. They actually happened to play Thunderstruck before a key third down situation when UVa was on defense, and I can't imagine not wanting to run through a wall after hearing the intro to that song. Needless to say, the defense made the stop.

For as much shit as I tend to give to the uppity Cav fans, they were actually pretty good last night. The stadium was mostly full on a rainy Thursday night against an inferior opponent, and a majority of them remained after I graced the exit following a UVa touchdown that made it 23-0 in the fourth quarter. It was obviously a carved-in-stone fact that UNC was not, in any way, going to mount any significant comeback.

Crazy-ass cardinals coach Dennis Green passed the torch to Virginia head coach Al Groh last night after Groh had a Chernobyl-sized meltdown when UVa was called for assisting the runner at the goal line, even after review. My "I have the maturity of a 3rd grader" moment of the game came at this time, because the referee motion for said penalty looks an awful lot like being flagged for ass-grabbing. Tee-hee.



You may have heard that UVa now has a marching band after booting their famed scramble band a couple of years ago, but don't get ahead of yourself. They have a band, yes, complete with snazzy hats and matching uniforms, but they don't march. They walk on to the field and play their half time show in one formation; where I'm from that's just a regular concert sans the chairs. This "show" consisted of an out of synch Electric Slide, but it was preceded by a stunning version of Michael Jackson's Thriller. They unfortunately didn't channel Vincent Price to do the voice over, but the flag girls and the woodwind section did the classic zombie line dance you might remember from the video, not to mention the dance scene in the 1980's blockbuster Teen Wolf.

There were no references made to the time the Cavs beat Florida State (1996) or to how great Tiki Barber was at any point during my evening. If you've ever been to Charlottesville on gameday, this is an incredible rarity.

UVa runs an offense that is almost identical to ASU v20.06. Wrinkles that could be added to Dirk's deleted arsenal could (ought to) include handing the ball off to the H-back on 3rd/4th & short (imagine Zach Miller stretching across the line!) and running the option, something done in Koetter's first two years. Virginia's quarterback Jameel Sewell looks like an immature Dennis Dixon, and I can say with confidence that a quarterback with that physical skillset at ASU would be Vince Young kinds of unstoppable. Al Groh's entire philosophy on offensive football is to run incessantly and control the clock; if he weren't so set in his ways the score could have easily been 77-0.

North Carolina runs a defense that is almost identical to ASU v20.05. Not that they run similar schemes or blitzes, just that they both play that sucktacular matador defense. Ole! You may pass, sir.

All in all it was probably a better time than sitting on the couch watching the NLCS or Grey's Anatomy, and I suppose I'd do it again given the opportunity. We as ASU fans were definitely spoiled by the offensive display put up by our beloved Devils last year, because if I had to watch this crap week in and week out I'd be more of a basketball fan too. This game was a shut out, and a convincing one at that as Carolina never crossed the thirty yard line. Keep in mind the winning squad has lost to two different directional schools in Wesern Michigan and East Carolina. The radio guys were actually bragging after the game about how stellar this UVa team is having shut out two conference oopponents this year, and they weren't even snickering about the fact that the other team was Duke. I had to sit through a Duke game last weekend, and their talent plus $1.98 will get you a forty at the 7-11. I mean that was some weak-ass shit. Speaking of forties, the boss-man is springing for wings and brews at Legend. Tally ho, and more to come tomorrow during another couch-a-thon Saturday. Good luck Sun Devils, although you better not need it against Stanford, a team that might give Duke a game.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, I'm a big fatass, movie references, other sports, regular old crackers, tailgating

Michigan Zone is debuting a cutting-edge way of wasting brain cells by hosting some sort of live radio-type broadcast show thingy on Tuesday. Here's the link as thy can describe it better than I can, but most importantly they are requesting pictures from your tailgates. I'll be sure to take a few at FSU-Duke tomorrow, so I want to see plenty from the Sun Devil fans making the trip to South Central. The last time I went to a game at USC, I did a kegstand in the back of an El Camino in Compton. Beat that, underclassmen. In a more dangerous move than I will ever attempt, a "friend" was stumbling down the sidewalk- lost somewhere near campus, mind you- yelling Ni**a what?!" at the top of his lungs. Thank God I wasn't there, because make a great target for bullets; just ask anyone who's seen me play paintball. For those of you who don't know, they filmed Boyz N The Hood reeeeeaaaally close to USC.

* In other news, there is a 40% chance of thunderstorms tomorrow in LA. Should make for an interesting game, seeing how Rudy Carpenter can't throw anyway. As I said a few days ago, run the wishbone option with Mike Jones under center. Wooo!

* In other earthshattering, groundbreaking news, Dirk Koetter doesn't know how to relate to his players, including lilly-white protege quarterback Rudy Carpenter. Here's Coach K's quote, straight from the East Valley Tribune.

“Rudy has gone through a rough stretch, but the things are all fixable. Some of it is mental, and I’m not an expert on that. We’ve brought in someone who is an expert on that, and hopefully, he can help Rudy and some other people on our team.”

Hear that, Dirk? It's the sound of the clock running out on your tenure as ASU head football coach. Now go out, beat USC, and save your job!!!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, blog links, Dirk's a horse's ass, I'm a big fatass, movie references, regular old crackers, tailgating, thug life

That don't matter to the jesus. I'm gonna fuck you in the ass Saturday, Woooo!!!!

Eh, bye weeks. My typical level of passion is off compared to usual Saturdays in the fall, but at least I did a few loads of laundry, cooked up a monster pot of chili, did a little cleaning around the house, and even went running. Yay me, especially since I completed all of the above while watching ELEVEN+ STRAIGHT HOURS of college fooball. (I figured it was ok to miss the second quarter of the USC-Kentucky game to run two miles, and I was back and showered before the 8:00 kickoffs) Here's a quick smattering of observations and snarky remarks regarding today's ongoings.

* Yeah, I stll hate Texas, thanks for asking. Paul Thompson is quickly joining the short list of suckass quarterbacks I'd love to beat the shit out of in a dark alley. You listening, Rudy? Add to that, Bob Stoops' playcalling was as genius as brother Mikey's against LSU.

* The all-time greatest background sign was seen on espn's College Gameday this morning. It said "Corso [picture of a heart]'s [picture of male genitalia]; look for a screenshot on EDSBS soon. Speaking of those jort-wearing jokers, one of the commenters noted that there was a cop pre-screening any signs that might get on camera, but the creator used a dry-erase board. Sheer genius. (Well, that didn't take long...link)

* Minnesota's color scheme looks a lot like that of ASU, and another trait the two teams have in common is that they both blow leads in big games against teams they should beat at home. I mean, who misses an extra point in overtime, really?

* Arkansas has a bear of a running attack (both McFadden and Jones eclipsed the 100 yard mark), not to mention one of those freaky former basketball players at wide receiver, although he's sorely underutilized. Props for beating the #2 team in the nation in their house.

* Speaking of basketball players, average-at-best shooting guard Jordan Kent is playing wide receiver for the Oregon Ducks, and ABC made sure to let all of us know that his head b-ball coach papa Ernie, the Rob Evans of the northwest, was watching him lose from the stands. (Funny side note: while looking for a story to link Rob Evans, this headline was the 5th link provided by Google. Totally different guy, but awfully apropos.)

* Stanford is now 0-6, and there is a good chance that I was wong with my preseason surprise pick. Whoopsie daisy.

* The University of Virginia lost again, this time to East Carolina by a score of 31-21. It's a good thing that they're above a mind-numbing game like football, otherwse Al Groh might be on the hot seat.

* Oregon is getting worked like a part-time job in Berkeley. The Bears are sporting uniforms that are actually uglier than Oregon's, something previously thought to be mathematically impossible, and it appears to be throwing Dennis Dixon's game off. It makes me feel a little better about ASU getting their asses handed to them by Cal, but it gives me shivers and makes me want to drink thinking about their performance against the Ducks.

* Pac-10 officials have managed to job yet another undeserving team. The Washington Huskies were driving against turbo-overrated USC with a chance to win, and one of the refs was late in spotting the ball while the clock was running. The Dawgs should have had one last play from the Trojan 20-yard line, but time expired and they were denied. Boo, zebras. I think it speaks volumes when USC has to use some fake punt trickeration to beat U-Dub.

* Georgia head coach Mark Richt, a former Florida State offensive coordinator, looks a hell of a lot like Tommy Bowden, only with botox and a fake-bake. Hey Bobby, is there anything Mrs. Richt needs to know about?

* In related news, this team wearing red and black and calling themselves "Georgia" can't possbly be the same group of young men who have been playing between the hedges since early September. How does a team that, over five games, gave up a total of 34 points, allow 51 to Tennessee in Athens? Even more bizarre, the same squad that scored 18, 14, and 14 against their three respective BCS conference opponents drop 33 (24 in the 1st half) against the Vols? There's trickery afoot, I tell you.

* U of A loses again, as UCLA gets a bit of revenge for last year's coma in Tucson. Woohoo! As bad as ASU has played over the last two weeks, their record is still better than that of the kitties; I keep telling myself that it really could be worse. Word on the internet is that Arizona wonderboy QB Willie Tuitama was knocked out of the game in the 2nd quarter due to yet another solid blow to the head. He's already suffered a concussion this year, and while I would never wish injury upon anyone (well, maybe them) the kittycat offense can't take too many steps backwards. They're averaging less than eight points a game vs. D-1 opponents, which I guess is ok. Oh wait, we're not talking about baseball! They're on pace to get their standard three wins per season under Stoops (at best), and let's just hope they get that last one before Thanksgiving. Here's the post-game quote from Mikey, and I think it was really nice of the AP writer (quote taken from uclabruins.com) to edit out all of the standard "ummms," "errrrs," and "duuuuhhhs."

Well, we're just not good. Right now, we're just not good enough to win a game, and that's where we're at. We did good things at times, but we're not consistent enough, and you need to be [consistent] to win. We got in holes, and we're not good enough to overcome them right now. It's frustrating, but I'm proud of these players. It may sound trivial, but the kids were prepared and did some good things. It was a bad choice to do the onside kick, but we wanted to try to gain momentum. It just didn't work. We put them in short-field situations, making it easy to score. Our defense wasn't good enough to stop them. Our defense could not get consistent pressure on the quarterback, and we couldn't cover a lot of their pass and misdirection plays. On offense, we threw the ball decently and had some nice plays. We did well with the pass, and our production was better. But, I'm still concerned with our run game. We're all disappointed, but I like how we came to play. We just got beat by the better team.

Ha! Can't wait to see how the red and blue faithful spin this one. Goodnight errybody!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, I'm a big fatass, movie references, regular old crackers, rivalry rants

For all of the Chicken Littles in Sun Devil land, this post by someone calling themselves Malph really outlines what college football is all about: 117 teams with one goal in mind, and they're all trying their damndest to achieve it by triumphing over their peers. Most investors wouldn't give dollar one to a company that had a one in 117 chance of truly succeedng, yet here we are at Coach Koetter's doorstep with torches to accompany our pitchforks. Take it away Malph, and bravo sir.

In fairness to Koetter... a little perspective

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arizona.... hires what many thought was the best assistant coach in the country, after 3 years he has been a complete and total failure.

Oregon State.... after an impressive BCS performance against Notre Dame, the team has gone straight downhill and that's even after bringing back their super coach Mike Riley.

Stanford.... hires hot shot Steve Spurrier assistant for head coach, he fails miserably. Then they hire extremely well regarded Walt Harris from Pitt with absolutely no signs of improvement. Like Stoops, only his honeymoon is saving him.

UCLA.... should be a BCS school every year, goes the affirmative action route and hires a completely unqualified head coach, the results have been pathetic for a program like theirs.

Washington State... has had nothing to cheer about since Mike Price left.

Washington... one of the best programs in the entire country for decades is now, finally, after several years as a doormat and many coaching changes, has a decent team but still no where near ready to win the conference.

Maryland.... surges to the nation's elite with a BCS performance, everyone loves Ralph Friedgen... that is until he's had back to back below .500 seasons, now he's on the hot seat.

Miami... Larry Coker wins a national championship, the coach who couldn't lose. The super genius. Now everyone wants him fired.

NC State.... Wolfpack fans are worried that Chuck Amato will leave for another program after two great years... now they all want him fired.

Michigan State... hires John L. Smith, the hotshot coach from Louisville that everyone wanted to hire... now John L Smith is on the hotseat because he can't win the big game, the team has quit on him, he can't compete with the big boys in the conference, etc.

Texas A+M.... hires away supercoach Dennis Franchione from Alabama (and formerly of TCU). The dream coach. What a steal for the Auggies!! Even ASU was after this guy. Now they all want him fired because of his mediocre performance.

Purdue's Joe Tiller is on the verge of greatness after leading his team to the Rose Bowl.... now is on the verge of unemployment.

Colorado hires away supercoach Gary Barnett from Northwestern... underachieves completely at CU, now hires Dan Hawkins who can't even beat a Div-IAA school.

Kansas State... Bill Snyder builds a consistent top ten program which is now a consistently sub-average program. KState fans screaming for new blood, demanding a coaching change.

Arkansas.... Nebraska offered super hot coach Houston Nutt $2M/year to coach the Huskers have they fired Frank Solich, to the relief of all Razorback fans, he declined... that is unless you ask them today, where they are all screaming for him to be fired.

The list goes on and on: Boston College, Georgia Tech, North Carolina, Virginia, Sryacuse, Minnesota, Illinois, Missouri, Oklahoma State, BYU, Alabama, Mississippi State... even Notre Dame is now, finally, coming out of their funk.

This doesn't excuse or justify anything Koetter has done.

However, just realize there are only a handful of programs who consistently win and dozens upon dozens of others trying to scratch and claw their way up to the top of the mountain. Turning around a program into a national championship caliber team is an extraordinally diffiucult task for any coach.

Right or wrong, good or bad, Koetter will be our head coach for this year and probably next year too.

The team needs our support.

The peanut gallery picks Malph's brilliance apart here.

Blogging is easy if you just republish what others have writen. Yay, plagerism!

Labels: I'm a big fatass, message board nonsense

I realize I didn't recap last week's defensively dominating victory against Colorado. First of all, I'm sorry. It is my blogospheric duty to rep ASU in all arenas(85281, mofo's!), and I have failed- but not as bad as the CU offense. Man, do they suck. Rumor has it the TBS game of the week got a 10-share, a ludicrious TV rating considering that it had to go up against the Bowden Bowl, UF-UT, and USC-Nebraska in the schedule. For those of you who watched more competitive games, the sea of maroon and gold in the northwest corner of Folsom Field was most impressive. I've heard estimates of anywhere between 5,000 and 10,000 Sun Devils in attendance, which is some serious Sparky muscle for a school that is 952 miles away from home.

As for the actual game, things are a bit fuzzy thanks to some tailgating and those shots at breakfast. Quarterback Rudy Carpenter was less than impressive throwing the ball but we're Sun Devils, and we're spoiled. The top two excuses listed are 1) a minor thumb injury (oh God, not another last year) and 2) the wind. I can't speak about Carp's digit, but the wind was mighty enough to bat down every pass I threw in the parking lot, even though I was still making Heapish/Milleresque one-handed catches with a brewsky in my other hand. Games of flip-cup and beer pong were cancelled due to conditions, and it takes nothing short of the breath of God to cancel a drinking game at an ASU party. WR's Mike Jones, Nate Kimbrough, and Chris McGaha were everything advertised; even though nobody had outstanding stats, the ball was spread around really well and they made good catches with minimal (if any) drops. Zach Miller made a great TD catch right in front of the ASU sections that made everyone think NFL draft with a heap (no pun intended) of melancholy. But the running game-oh, the running game- made me a believer. Colorado fans concurred (before the game) that their team's strength was in their run defense- this showed, especially from stud LB Thaddeus Washington, but the 1-2 punch of Keegan Herring and Ryan Torain wore them down. I'll repeat that, as I feel it bears repeating. ASU wore another team down. The backs were running between the tackles, around the ends, and catching passes in the flats and over the middle. Yay! The Devils aren't one dimensional anymore! Speaking of added dimensions...

DEFENSE!!!! D at last, D at last, thank God almighty, we have D at last! I'm giddy with excitement (obviously) as if Terrell Suggs had eleven clones with five years of eligibility apiece. The secondary was winning one-on-one battles against receivers, the linebackers were making plays, everyone was blitzing effectively, and there were a ton of run stopping plays by the d-line that rotated NINE players throughout the night with no noticible drop-off in play. I was really excited before the game to finally see Tranell Morant play along the line for the first time, but defensive coordinator Bill Miller was rotating players so much that I never saw him on the field (photographic evidence proved he played).

It had to be expected for Rudy Carpenter to have a bad game sooner or later. In many years passed, the Devils would have found a way to lose this game considering the poor QB play, but the running game and the D bailed the passing game out for a change. Hopefully Cqrp can learn from his mistakes and rebound with a solid day at Berkeley this Saturday, because we'll need the offense running on all cylinders to comete with Marshawn Lynch and company. Here are a few more unrelated thoughts on last wek's game.

Terry Richardson has pulled his head out of his ass nicely to be a major contributor on special teams, both as a kick and punt returner. He truly is one of the best in the nation.

Mobile quarterbacks haven't proved to be much of a problem for the Devil D. There is definitely improved speed on the ends with a healthy Kyle Caldwell and Dexter Davis, a freshman who is ahead of the learning curve.

Koetter has been using he roll-out in many situations, and I think it fits the personnel ASU has on offense. Carp is definitely mobile enough to add this threat, but I'm specifically talking about the Hell Hogs. Most of them are of the sleek, mobile lineman mold, so pulling lends itself to their collective agility and quikness. I'm still not so sre about being able to run it up the middle on 4th and one, though.

The running back situation seems to have shaken itself out, with Keegan Herring and Ryan Torain getting the bulk of the snaps. I don't think anyone in the ASU camp has any problems with this decision, nor would they if Dmitri Nance and Shaun DeWitty been the go-to guys. The Devils have some serious depth at tailback (finally), and have seemingly recovered from the truckload of injuries/thuggery that plagued the team just a few years ago.

Labels: anecdotal evidence, I'm a big fatass, tailgating

Gotta take care of the personal stuff first. A hundred thanks to Dan for hosting Avalanche FUBAR, a group of six on a conquest of copious amounts of alcohol. Really glad Garrett and Pat could make it, especially since Pat and I now have our own fight song. Drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky FIGHT! Drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky drinky FIGHT! Kudos to Garrett for spending the night with a bachelorette party, f'in slut. Steph and Kim were troopers and should gain sainthood for tolerating the other four of us for the entire weekend. Great to see some old fraternity brothers, including Poop, Kersh, Happy, Papa Smurf, Big E, Sky, Plumber, plus old friend Rummell. You guys rock, and seeing you brought back a swath of great memories. Good to make new friends too, like Dabo and the other Hell Hogs, Denver Devil, and DD emperor Hod. If you've been forgotten, blame the booze. There was a'plenty. I woke up still blacked out on Sunday morning, and don't remember going to the airport. Wheeeee!

Labels: anecdotal evidence, ASU alumni, I miss college, I'm a big fatass, I'm witty, message board nonsense, surrounded by morons, tailgating

Today feels like a big concussion. ASU head coach Dirk Koetter, after naming Sam Keller the starting quarterback, has gone John Kerry on all of us and named Rudy Carpenter the starter. There will be a much longer post on this topic once I peel myself off of the ceiling, but my BAC is way too low to start on that rant. Besides, isn't it kind of difficult to make conclusions when there aren't any facts on which to base it?

Keller was excused from Sunday night's practice to "review his options." It sounds like Koetter expects the true senior to transfer, so let's examine his options. Playing time is important to Keller, as he has one season of eligibility remaining. What really throws a curveball into all of this mess is that he never used his redshirt.

1) Keller stays with ASU. It's really not that unforeseeable, despite what the internet tells you. Since Jake the Snake graduated (9 season ago), ASU has had ONE season where the same quarterback started every game, the 2003 campaign with Andrew Walter. ,It's not out of the question that Rudy could get hurt even behind a very seasoned O-line. If he stays and Carpenter gets through the season without so much as a hangnail, as long as he refuses mop-up time he can claim a redshirt year and pull a Kruger- he can transfer to any D-1 school and play right away under a new NCAA rule(that oh by the way is total garbage). This is the best situation for ASU, as they have an insurance policy for Rudy's arm/knees. I don't think anyone outside of Tucson wants to see true freshman Danny Sullivan take any meaningful snaps this year.

2) Immediately transfer to a D-1 school. He can take his redshirt year this season and still play next year. There are plenty of teams that would love to have him, but my picks for early favorites would be either Colorado or Nebraska. Both run an offense conducive to chucking it early and often, and both have immediate needs under center. The push goes to the Buffs, who currently employ Keller's former QB coach Mark Helfrich as their offensive coordinator.

3) Transfer to a D-1AA school. There are certainly plenty to choose from, and Keller is probably better than at least 99.9% of their current quarterbacks. He can play this year, showcasing his ability to quickly pick up an offense to the NFL scouts. He'll also pad his stats against inferior competition. Jeff Krohnwill tell you how much the scouts eat that up.

Keller(9) is greeted by Dirk Koetter(96) before Sunday's practice.













4) Say 'ah fuck it' and start prepping for next year's draft. This could be fun. Sam could hang with rappers, get his Goose on, and study the kabbala with Ishmael Soprano, all while embarassing his alma mater long after his departure. Nothing says "big NFL bucks" like man boobs. (and I ought to know)

And the worst thing Sam Keller could possibly do...

5) Transfer to U of A and win a national championship. Commense vomiting.

Labels: Dirk's a horse's ass, drugs, I'm a big fatass, surrounded by morons, we're sorry Sam Keller