Friday, March 23, 2007


I Still Like Ike

I absolutely adore March Madness. While the first two rounds are tailor-made for ditching out of work to go to a bar, the second two are perfect for at-home viewing. There are only two games going at a time, requiring a bit more focus than you can get at a bar, specifically the option of sound.

Over the years I have watched far more tournament minutes than I have missed, and CBS has been the exclusive carrier of the tourney for most of my life. After a couple decades of intense viewership, one tends to notice repititions in CBS' coverage and the same old schtick gets tiresome. If you aren't going to be at a bar, you might as well get snookered in the friendly confines of your own home. For your personal entertainment, I have devised a NCAA tournament drinking game. The rules are as follows, and you'll note that none of the rules really have anything to do with the actual game of basketball, just CBS' average-at-best coverage of it.

One drink
For every Master’s commercial
Whenever CBS mentions how exclusive their coverage is
For every “game reset” or “game summary”
Anytime you hear the word “Cingular”
Whenever Nantz and Packer throw to Greg Gumbel
A close up of a band geek or cheerleader
Any time a bracket is displayed on screen

Two drinks
Two commercial breaks without any game action in between
Two commercial breaks on consecutive dead ball whistles
Anytime Jim Nantz makes a pun using a player/team name
Anytime Billy Packer repeats a point *this can get you in trouble
Anytime Packer explains a rule

Three drinks
Billy Packer tells a story about a different NCAA tournament
Billy Packer tells a story about when he played
When the incredibly uninformative “tournament summary” is displayed
Anytime Nantz gives Packer a Jim Lampley-style gay smile on camera

Anytime anyone says “one shining moment”
Any kind of technical malfunction

It gets a bit old sacrificing a weekend just to watch 16 hours of basketball, especially when it isn't the Sun Devils. Why not induce liver disease?

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You should know that your boy Erickson had anti-Christ Tommy Tuberville as an assistant at Miami, coaching against Bama in the '90 and '93 Sugar Bowls.

So, there may be some invective sent that way.

Actually, no, not really. I don't hate Erickson. The George Teague strip of Lamar Thomas exorcised the demons of the '90 loss.

God, I just really fucking hate Tommy Tuberville. I would totally punch him and gladly take the physical battery charge.
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